"Helen!" Jason excimed. "What oh are you-"

  "Kiyoko Takeda had sex with my apprentice," Helen said, a bright blue glow gathering at her fiips. "I was very, very clear in the hiring process that professors who had inappropriate retionships with students would not be tolerated, a, here she is, strutting around like she's dohing wrong, about to move onto my grandson..."

  "Like hell she was," I said ftly.

  "Joseph-"

  "Helen, I uand I'm young, but I assure you: I know what it looks like when an older woman wants to sleep with me." I gestured at Professor Takeda, who was starting to recover. "She's not that. She's just a Professiving academic advice to a student in her field."

  "Be that as it may, she still slept with a student, and-"

  "I did no such thing," Professor Takeda said weakly, pushing herself upright. "I swear this oars in the sky and the fur on my tails."

  "Bullshit," Helen said ftly. "You think my apprentice lied to me?"

  "I think your apprentice is not a student," Professor Takeda said.

  "...Oh, you insufferable little-"

  "I explicitly have no power to discipline her without your approval, and even if she were to audit my csses, I would not be able to formally grade her," Professor Takeda said. "She may be here to learn, but she is no student, and I am not her teacher. There is, as suo student-teacher retionship for me to viote, and no institutional power I use to coerce her, and I have dohing wrong."

  "I mean, there's a solid argument to be made that you didn't break any rules," I said, "but I do feel like someone who's in the neighborhood of a thousand years old probably shouldn't be sleeping with a teenager. Assuming Helen's apprentice is a teenager, anyhow- if they're, like, twenty five, then whatever, they're old enough to own their bad decisions. But, like, that's more 'stern talking to' territory than 'attempted murder' territory."

  "Joseph," Helen said, her eyes closed. "Do not undermine me in front of the faculty. I am already having a bad day as it is, and I do not his."

  "You absolutely need someoo talk you down from killing your faculty for spurious reasons," I said. "You've known Professor Takeda for a long time, haven't you? Does she really strike you as the sort of person who would only now turn out to be a sexual predator? Or are you willing to sider that, just maybe, she might have a good reason for doing this?"

  "...Just what is motivating you to stick up for her?" Helen asked, turning to face me. "This is the first time you've ever met her."

  "I don't o know someoo defend them from a petty tyrant," I said dryly, before sighing and putting a hand on her shoulder. "Look, just... Go back to your office, have a cup of tea, and delegate this mess to someone else. Alright?"

  "...Fine," Helen said. "Jason, you hahis mess. And you, young man, will e see me in my office you're done meddling."

  Helen disappeared, with a fsh of blue light that was dht bombastipared trine's. Either Peregrine was a better Wizard than she was, or he simply wasn't as egotistical.

  "...Kiyoko, please stop antagonizing Helen," Jason said wearily. "There is only so long you rely on the decy of freshmen students to vouch for yood character, and you ot keep doing this forever."

  "Oh, I very much ," Professor Takeda said, straightening up and brushing ashes off of herself, and suddenly looking just as whole and unharmed as she had been a few minutes ago. "I was never in any real danger. Besides, as this eighteen year old boy was somehow able to dis, I had a good and specific reason for what I did."

  "Kiyoko..." Jason began.

  " I ask what that reason is?" I said, because apparently I was the only Rosewood in a thousand miles who wasn't an imperious buffoon.

  "Helen's apprentice is under a perma Occult effect that empowers her greatly," Professor Takeda said. "The more she acts within a certain prescribed role, the strohe effect grows, and the more empowered she bees. And as it so happens, the specific role she has been assigned is empowered by sex, especially with particurly powerful women. As a professor of the Adventurer's Guild, it is my highest responsibility to see to the growth and development of our students, and ehat they reach their full potential, even if that requires a few unorthodox methods for unorthodox students."

  "...So, wait," Talia said. "You're saying that not having sex with Helen's apprentice would've been a bigger viotion of your duties?"

  "More or less, although nobody else would bme me for that particur dereli," Professor Takeda said. "I would, though."

  "Well, uh... maybe arrange for this kind of thing to happen in ways that don't get you assaulted by Helen Rosewood?" I suggested.

  "Oh, I have," Professor Takeda said easily. "I am very thh, when it es to the edification of my students. Now, run along, children. Helen is expeg you in her office, and I won't have you held up on my at."

  "We aren't done discussing this," Jason warned her.

  "Have fun with that," Talia said, grabbing my wrist and Faith's as she hustled off, eager to be rid of Jason's incredibly tedious tour.

  "So, how was the tour?" Helen asked, as the four of us- Volex had retreated into her reliquary- filed into her office. "What do you think of the campus?"

  "It was alright," Talia said, shrugging.

  "It's hard to judge the quality of instru from the architecture alone," I said, more diplomatically. "We won't be able to render an opinion on the Uy until after csses start; after all, this isn't a leisure resort."

  "Reasonable enough," Helen said, nodding. "Right. Well, Joseph-"

  "Do you think she knows we're here too?" Faith whispered to Talia.

  "Quiet, brats," Helen snapped, her magic fring into a sileng spell. "Now. You've already proven yourself quite capable with the King of Thieves affair, and as my grandson, I know I trust you."

  That was incredibly naive, sidering I was raised by a woman who hated Helen, and I myself had publicly tradicted and opposed Helen ten minutes ago, but whatever. Helen was used to getting her way, and I'd just have to deal with it.

  "What I need is for you to join my apprenti a delve into The Abyss," Helen tinued. "The objective she is pursuing is the retrieval of an old magic item I threw down there in frustration, years and years ago, that she'll o plete the quest I'm training her up for. However, she's... well, she's green as they e, and as far as I tell, isn't particurly impressive as far as teenagers go. Which brings us to your specific job: you have to make sure she not only survives the experience, but learns from it."

  "Okay... And, uh. When do you his done by?"

  "Take today to prepare yourselves and my apprentice," Helen said. "You ehe Abyss tomorrow m."

  Emily tried and failed to speak up, the sileng spell having hit her too.

  "I think my Healer is trying to say I 't do that," I said, watg Emily carefully- she nodded, so I was on the right track. "I got stabbed in the heart, yesterday, and while I will be fine soon enough, both she and the ghost of your father have said that I o rest and recover for a little bit. Also, I came right up to the edge of mana burerday, so I'm not really in a position to be doing any spellcasting today."

  Helen sidered this carefully... and then sighed.

  "Fine," she said, shaking her head. "But you will be getting to know my apprentice while you recover. You, Healer girl, what's your prognosis on recovery time?"

  "A week, maybe two," Emily said, ohe silence spell was broken. "I'll keep you informed."

  "Mmph. Fine. Emily, would you e out please?"

  "I think I like women," Emily said.

  "...What?" Helen asked, blinking.

  "So this is Doily Redwater, lised trauma surgeon of the Healer's Guild," I said, gesturing to Emily. "I was knighted as her guardian, and I sustained my wound in the course of my duties to her."

  The door on the back wall of Helen's office opened up, and through it stepped anhteen year old girl with dark skin and curly hair, who, from text, I could tell was also named Emily. She looked... Holy, she looked like if Emily had joihe Padins rather than the Healers. She was tall and well-muscled, with dark brown skin and pitch bck hair, but with curves that I was reasonably certain did not belong on someoh that kind of muscle definition. She was also dressed like Faith, and also a bit like me, wearing a mildly worn pair of blue jeans and a pin white shirt- although unlike myself and Faith, she'd gone for ohat was sleeveless, and also a much gier fit on her frame.

  "Emily's a stupid he girl said, walking into the office, a bit of Northern drawl c her voice. "I thought I told you I was ging it."

  "Just... Introduce yourself," Helen said, shaking her head.

  "My name," Helen's Apprentice began, "is Akua Sahelian, the Nameless Sorceress."

  "How are you nameless if your name is Akua Sahelian?" I asked, fully aware of what she was doing, and fully intending to razz her berries about it.

  "Wh- oh, fuck it, I ain't gotta expin shit," she muttered, looking away. "Whatever. Akua wasn't even bck, anyway. Alright, I'm... Catherine Foundling, the Bck Queen."

  "It's awful presumptuous to decre yourself a Queen in a nd that still has a monarchy," I pointed out. "I mean, Helen could probably do it, but that's because her dad was High King Lysander Rosewood, the lo-reigning monarch to walk this earth. Lysander says hi, by the way."

  "He what," Helen said.

  "Ugh, fine, if you backwater fucksticks don't get a refereo the best story ever written, then I won't even bother," she said. "Just call me Cat."

  "o meet you, Cat, my name is Joseph Iro."

  "Oh bullshit," Cat protested. "You 't just make fun of me for making up a name and then drop that oable!"

  "That really is his hough," Talia said. "His dad's name is Napoleon Iro, and Napoleon was named by a human Bard by the name of Terpsichore Iro."

  "Also, 'Joseph' is hardly an outndish name," I added, fully aware that wasn't the problem she had with my name. "Anyhow, this is Talia Johe freckly musclegirl is Faith Jones- ion to Talia, it's just a on name- and the shy Healer with the pink hair is Lady Emily Redwater, who I am sworn to protect."

  "...You're an asshole," Cat said bluntly.

  "He got a cussioerday," Faith pointed out. "Cut him some sck. He's usually nicer."

  "No, this is about the usual level of annoying I am to my peers," I said. "It means a lot to me that you're willing to defend me, Faith, but it's important that you uand that sometimes I'm an asshole on purpose because it's funny."

  "I hate elves," Helen said, mostly to herself.

  Yep, all was right with the world.

  AnnouAs always, if you like Iro and wao keep making it, the best way to do that is to leave a ent, here or on my discord server.

  Also, I'm taking suggestions for publius chapters iween books. The ideas I've currently ge from "The remaining Kings of Hell react to the political upheaval caused by Paimon's death" to "Joseph Iro visits a neighbor and pys dominoes." Anything goes.