Chapter Thirty-Nine

  This summer, due to the addition of many troubles at home that needed to be dealt with, Shi Tu Jiu An did not let Yao Qi Yun go to the company to learn like in previous years. He often said that although they were raised in the same household, there was a huge difference between Qi Yun and Shi Tu Xuan. Qi Yun was too sensible, too considerate of those around him, with a maturity that completely surpassed his age. As parents, they actually hoped he could have more time for himself.

  It was as if he didn't want to disappoint his elders, so during that period of time, Yao Qiyun spent less and less time at home. He used to be the kind of person who had a clear purpose every time he went out, but now he missed dinner several times when he came back home. When his family asked him about it, he just said he was out for a stroll and had already eaten outside.

  Perhaps due to the unique sensitivity of a female parent, one day Xue Shaoping seemingly casually asked at the dinner table: "Qiyun, have you started dating a girlfriend outside? If it's true, don't hide it from me and your uncle."

  "Is that so? I haven't heard you mention it before." Si Tu Jiu An was also somewhat surprised, and seeing Yao Qi Yun smile without speaking, he said to his wife: "I think it's just you women who love to make wild guesses."

  Xue Shaoping smiled and said, "I'm just asking."

  "Why ask, he's had a girlfriend for a long time, you guys really thought he was a pure and innocent baby." Si Tu Jue suddenly blurted out a sentence, leaving everyone in the room stunned.

  Situ Xuan's "ugly affair" has passed for a while, although Situ Jiu'an still doesn't give her a good face, but at least it's no longer a painful and resentful lesson every time they meet. The other people in the family also tacitly avoid mentioning it, this avoidance does not represent forgetting.

  Another protagonist of the scandal, Qu Xiaojuan, is already dead. With her death, all the accusations and contempt towards her have been buried with her. However, Situ Xinyue is still alive, living a carefree life, eating and sleeping as she pleases, without making any excuses or showing any remorse, nor does she feel the need to lower her head in shame in front of anyone, not having the slightest awareness of being at fault. She never thought of ending her own life, of course, no one forced her to do so, but this kind of living is somewhat tainted with a "survival" flavor.

  However, it was this kind of nonchalant and unrepentant attitude that made her family gradually lose hope in her. Scolding and beating her were useless, and talking to her was pointless, so they just gave up. It seemed like she would always be like this, and it was best to just ignore her. As a result, Sutu Jin suddenly became an awkward presence in the home where she had been raised for over twenty years. Fortunately, she also cooperated by not provoking anyone's dislike, trying her best not to appear in their line of sight, and when she had to be present, she would say as little as possible. It had been a long time since she last actively participated in their conversations like she did today.

  "You don't know what you're talking about." Xue Shaoping feared that she would accidentally stir up trouble again, so she quickly gave her a warning glance to shut her up.

  Situ Xuan, however, seemed to be very out of touch with the times. He glanced at Yao Qiyun and said with a hint of a smile: "Isn't it just nonsense? Everyone knows what's going on in their hearts, didn't we mention it last time? In fact, everyone knows that woman."

  Yao Qiyun's face changed slightly, her lips pursed tightly. He didn't know why Situ Xuan also wanted to expose their past in front of her parents, but she had always been intense in her love and hate, willing to suffer for him when she loved him, and now that she hated him, she was capable of doing anything.

  Situ Xuan didn't keep everyone in suspense for long and soon revealed the answer.

  "You and Tan Shaocheng aren't something that can't be seen in public, why the need to cover up with such a petty homebody attitude?"

  This shocked both Mr. and Mrs. Szeto.

  "Is this really true? What's going on?"

  Yao Qiyun looked like he was at a loss for words, but as a young man with a thin skin and introverted personality, being suddenly pierced by Situ Yue's heartless words made him feel embarrassed, which was understandable. Xue Shaoping saw that he was stunned and didn't refute, and also understood the situation somewhat in her heart.

  "I didn't expect this, sigh...it's no wonder though. But as for that girl with the surname Tan...our family owes her an explanation, you don't have to hide it from me."

  Situ Jiuan was more direct than his wife, he hesitated for a moment and then said to Yao Qiyun: "I think that girl is not bad, she's down-to-earth, generous, and rare is her integrity, she's a good girl. Qiyun, your aunt is right, you've grown up too, there's no need to hide this, we can invite her over for dinner again sometime."

  Yao Qiyun hadn't even responded when Situ Xuan smiled and said, "Of course we'll bring her back home, but this 'home' is not the same as that 'home'. Even if it's a future daughter-in-law meeting her parents-in-law for the first time, she still has to pay respects to the head of the household first. Don't believe me? Ask him, Yao Qiyun, aren't you going to take your 'good girl' back to your old home soon?"

  Yao Qiyun's face turned red and white. How could Situ Xuan possibly know about this?

  Actually, after knowing each other for so long, Yao Qiyun had never had any romantic thoughts about Tan Shaochen, until that day when he sent Tan Shaochen back to school from the Sito's house. When they said goodbye, he said thank you, and unexpectedly, Tan Shaochen, who had always shown strength and generosity, burst into tears.

  She said she was afraid of other people's gratitude and apologies, and would rather be the one saying "sorry" herself, because it is the person who has gained something who says "sorry", while the person being thanked and apologized to is always losing.

  Yao Qiyun didn't know what words to use to comfort the poor girl, but when she cried herself out and leaned her head on his shoulder, a strong sense of awareness reminded him that this wasn't right. Yet, it was in such reluctant consolation that perhaps from that moment on, there was an added subtle understanding between them.

  However, even though Yao Qiyun and Tan Shaosheng were getting closer, Yao rarely invited her to his home. The reason was obvious, and she understood it well. It wasn't until this afternoon when they went to the book market together and had lunch that he had an urgent matter and left in a hurry after paying the bill, without even noticing that he had left his wallet behind. As a result, the honest store clerk returned the card to Tan Shaosheng, who was afraid Yao would be worried, so she took it upon herself to run an errand and return the card to his home.

  At that time, Yao Qiyun was still at the airport, replacing a driver who had taken temporary leave to pick up Xue Shaoping who had returned from a business trip. There was only Auntie at home, so Shaocheng handed the card over to Auntie Yao.

  Yao's aunt had an obvious liking for Tan Shaocheng, a liking that even exceeded the degree to which one should treat a stranger with only a few encounters. Apart from Tan Shaocheng's character and temperament leaving a good impression on the old lady at first glance, even Yao Qiyun had to admit that perhaps there was also a factor of her aunt's rejection of Si Tu Jue in it. In her aunt's eyes, any girl in the world would be more suitable for Yao Qiyun than Si Tu Jue, and she had once given up hope, thinking that her nephew would be unlucky for this lifetime, but unexpectedly, there was now a Tan Shaocheng by his side who was many times better than Si Tu Jue, so she naturally welcomed it.

  After receiving the letter, Aunt Yao was overjoyed and pulled Tan Shaochen to talk for a while. She also mentioned that it would be her husband's death anniversary soon, and every year at this time, Yao Qiyun would return to their hometown. Aunt Yao said that if he didn't mind, Tan Shaochen could follow them back to the countryside with her niece, just to clear his mind.

  Shao Cheng returned to the dormitory and called Yao Qiyun, saying: "Your aunt is a kind-hearted person who cares about her elders. She kept telling me that when I have time, I must go. Actually, I do have time and want to see where you were born and raised, but...I don't know if it's good to go like this."

  To be honest, Tan Shaochen was not in Yao Qiyun's plan to return to his hometown. He always felt it was too fast and there was no need for it. He secretly resented his aunt for being too meddlesome. However, Shaochen's subtle expectation made him unable to refuse at the moment, so he could only respond vaguely, saying they would see if they had time then. This matter didn't even have a clear plan in his own mind, and suddenly hearing it from Sutu Yue's mouth again with that tone, how could he not be caught off guard?

  Yao Qiyun didn't think he could hide it from Situ Jin, she should know and would eventually find out. However, even if Situ Jin's fiery temper erupted, he could still feel a little pleasure in the midst of the chaos, but her casual mockery and condescending gaze made him feel like he was once again that child who had just arrived from the countryside, staring at the white walls, collecting other people's colors, hiding his dirty fingernails.

  His hometown, for him, was nothing more than a childhood memory of poverty and his father's grave. He was a tree that had long been uprooted from its native soil, and the place he migrated to was where he finally took root. Yao Qiyun attributed this sudden panic to her consideration for Mr. and Mrs. Sutu.

  Xue Shaoping seemed to have not heard and continued eating, but Situ Jiu'an put down his chopsticks and scolded Situ Yue: "What does this have to do with you?"

  "Sima Yi let out a self-deprecating laugh, 'You should have told me earlier that I no longer have the right to speak in this household. There's nothing for me to intervene in anyway, so I won't make things difficult for anyone. No one needs to feel awkward.'"

  She had thus trampled herself underfoot, and Situ Jiu'an found it difficult to continue scolding her. He picked up his chopsticks, and suddenly felt a pang of sorrow in his heart. Xue Shaoping's nose turned sour as she lowered her head to pick out a piece of fish for her daughter, "Eat your rice."

  Situ Xuan nodded and ate more savorily than they did.

  In the evening, before Sito returned to his room, his mother suddenly said that some daily necessities were missing at home and asked Aunt Yao to put down her work and run to the nearby supermarket. Not long after Aunt Yao reluctantly left the house, Sito heard a knock on the door of Yao Qiyun's room. After more than ten minutes, his mother called his father who was reading the newspaper upstairs.

  After all, as mother and daughter, Xue Shaoping's heavy-hearted behavior couldn't deceive Sutu Yu. She knew her mom must have something to discuss with her dad, and the content of their conversation was probably related to her, although she still didn't know what it was.

  She took off her earbuds and listened to her father's footsteps coming upstairs. They closed the door of their room.

  Xī Tù Jìn waited for a while, making sure that the conversation on the other side had basically entered the topic, and then walked out of his room with the smallest movement, standing quietly outside his parents' door.

  Separated by a door panel, it's not hard to make out that the two people inside are indeed having a conversation. Sutu Xing held her breath, making her hearing more acute.

  Mom's voice was as if intentionally lowered, and it sounded somewhat unclear outside.

  "...find a good family for her again...how others will look at her...it's really not easy, after all, we have to consider her future."

  "This is selfish of you!" Father's voice was much louder, "Who was it that tried every means to prevent others from having ideas about his precious daughter, and now look what you've come up with!"

  "Stubborn... past... how can it be the same as now? At that time, I was guarding against him. I thought their personalities didn't match, but Yiqing is indeed a good kid, you didn't get this wrong. He came to our house... one family, we always have to take care of the elderly..."

  Even if he couldn't see what was going on in the room, Situ Xuan could still imagine his father shaking his head.

  "You don't think about other people's feelings, he is a person, not our family's pawn. Besides, he is getting along well with that girl surnamed Tan now, you shouldn't go and stir up trouble."

  They began to argue, their speech becoming faster and more indistinct, until only scattered words could be made out.

  "...not his biological child...treat him well...Jiu An Tang...company...as long as he is willing, can be handed over to him at any time."

  "Don't use these to coerce him, it's a lifelong matter. I don't agree with what you're doing."

  "...we only have one daughter." Mom was probably anxious too, and her voice rose slightly. Sutu Jin pressed her ear tightly against the door, and she finally heard the next sentence clearly.

  "Besides, I've talked to Qiyun about it, and he himself didn't object!"

  Xīng Tu's family straightened up, turned around and slowly leaned against the wall by the door. The temperature of the wall surface penetrated through her back into her heart and lungs.

  That's really a cold comfort.

  She didn't need to know the outcome of the argument on the other side of the door, because there was only one possible outcome.

  That's when Yao Qiyun will marry her, he will.

  She had always dreamed of spending her whole life with him. Who would have thought that his "no objection" would end up hurting her so deeply.

  Like a brave warrior, with eyes closed and ready to overcome thorns and brambles, who would have thought that after a big fall, getting up with a broken head and bleeding, only to realize that he had accidentally rolled to the finish line.

  But this isn't the life she wanted.

  After Qu Xiao Wan's death, Zou Jin, who had not shown up for a long time, contacted Si Tu Jue once. He asked her if she had ever thought of leaving. As long as Si Tu Jue nodded, he was willing to exhaust all his connections and efforts to send her abroad, away from the disputes, and start a new life.

  Situ Xuan didn't even think about it and refused, let alone that she had never planned to travel alone in a foreign country. Visa, passport, nothing was ready, how could she just leave? Although Zou Jin told her that if she really wanted to go, there were ways, but her family was here, her parents were still alive, and she had already hurt them deeply. How could she bear to abandon them? Besides, if she left now, it would be equivalent to admitting defeat, that's not "leaving", that's "fleeing in disarray".

  She didn't want to die like Qu Xiaoyu, nor did she want to escape. She wanted to stay and wait for the day when the truth would come out.

  She endured her father's angry slaps and her mother's tears, endured the spitting of friends, endured the death of cicadas on the same string, and endured the loneliness that only appeared in the last second when she realized that the person she was waiting for would never come again.

  Tan Shaocheng smiled at her doorstep and said: "Qiyun is too careless, she doesn't even know that her own things have fallen into my hands." At this time, she felt that she had not lost.

  Yao's aunt knew that she had lost her confidence, and every day she was coldly ridiculed. Now it has become even more severe, and even the matter of Yao Qiyun taking Tan Shaochen to their hometown in the countryside to pay respects to his parents was deliberately mentioned in front of her for an entire afternoon, but she still felt that she had not lost.

  But when he agreed to marry a woman he looked down on, with a notorious reputation, in order to repay the kindness of the Situ family or because it was destined to be his Jiu An Tang, Situ Yue finally had to face a reality that she had already lost. The entire battlefield had already laid down its arms, and only she was left, holding her last breath, stubbornly defending her position in self-deception. There were no reinforcements, no allies, the smoke had all dispersed, and the victor had long since gone, even the land beneath her feet was no longer hers to rely on. All that was left was to slowly rot with the memories of the dead. And when the dust settles, it is not the privilege of the loser.

  Situ Xuan went to find Zou Jin the next day.

  Zou Jin laid out before her all that he could do for her and the hardships she might face in the future.

  "Have you thought it through?"

  Situ Xuan nodded. She sadly discovered that in this world, the only person who truly believed in her and could entrust her with anything was now just this one person. And this person, in order to atone for his sins, was now willing to do anything for her.

  Zou Jin took her to several places on the same day to prepare for her decision.

  At dusk, Zou Jin's car stopped at the intersection one stop away from the Sutu family, and it was raining heavily outside, but he could only send her here.

  Zou Jin said: "The next thing I will arrange for you, there is someone who will pick you up on the other side, don't worry about the money, now all you need to do is wait patiently. Of course, if you regret it, it's still not too late."

  She stared blankly ahead, the rainwater on the windshield being repeatedly scattered by the wipers. She couldn't help but think of her parents, who had lived upright and honest all their lives, only to suffer for a long time because of an unfilial daughter like her. They would have to endure others' gossip and ridicule, and even if they accepted her downfall, they would still be worried about her future. She couldn't bear the thought of hurting them, and at one point, she had even considered just giving in and letting them do whatever they wanted, as long as they wouldn't be sad or disappointed anymore. But every time she closed her eyes to imagine it, she felt a chill run down her spine... They would eventually drive each other crazy in the name of love.

  After a while, she turned her face to glance at Zou Jin, but in the short time they hadn't seen each other, he seemed to have aged at an incredible speed. Although his eyebrows and eyes were still the same, and there was no new white hair on his head, the vigor and elegance of his youth had thoroughly dissipated, replaced by the faint signs of middle-aged decline. She didn't dare look closely at the blurry shadow reflected in the glass, fearing that she would eventually become like that too.

  She gave Zou Jin an answer for the last time.

  "I'm waiting for your news."

  He hastily pushed open the door and got out of the car, and Situ Xuan was also unable to say "thank you". Perhaps Zou Jin also needed such an opportunity, which was all he could do for the living Situ Xuan, as well as for the dead.

  Situ Xuan rushed to the door in the rain, her clothes were already soaked. Before she could take out the key, the door opened and Yao Qiyun walked out, dressed for going out, holding two umbrellas in his hand.

  Situ Xuan brushed her wet bangs, bowed her head and squeezed in through the door. It seemed that she was afraid of being splashed by her wet clothes, Yao Qiyun sidestepped to avoid her, and when she entered the house, she heard the sound of the door closing behind her, Yao Qiyun apparently also gave up on going out.

  Her mother got up and came forward, but it wasn't to hand a towel to Sutu Xuan. As soon as she opened her mouth, she asked: "Where did you go?"

  Situ Xuan didn't answer immediately, as Yao Aunt was just taking out some clean clothes from her nephew's room, which were the same ones he wore when he went out this morning. They also looked half-wet. Of course, one of the umbrellas in his hand was still dripping water from time to time.

  Situ Xuan remained silent.

  "I'm asking you something, where did you go?" Xue Shaoping didn't give up her questioning, although her voice sounded unusually calm.

  One second, two seconds... The silence was as unbearable as the wait before a death sentence. Sutu Xuan found that every pair of eyes in the house were staring at her, including her father's, which had lost its usual furious glare when facing his disobedient daughter. His eyes only held a last hint of incredulity, as if he was standing in front of someone he no longer recognized.

  Situ Xuan licked his dry and cracked lips.

  "I didn't expect so many people to be concerned about my whereabouts. Now that you all know, why are you still asking what I'm doing here?"

  Xue Shaoping said: "Where did you come back from? I'm asking you for the last time!"

  "Yes, I went to see Zou Jin. Are you satisfied now? Do you want to ask me anything else? Ask what I did there? Does anyone want to know? I can..."

  Another slap in the face. The taste of a slap is all the same, the difference lies only in whose hand it comes from today - my mother's.

  For over twenty years, no one had laid a finger on her, and everyone said she was the treasured daughter of the Situ family - now, of course, she still is, or else how could she have tasted the "slap" of every single person? A fallen woman can be slapped by anyone.

  "Am I not tolerant enough of you? Your father was right, I've spoiled you rotten. You're beyond salvation!" Xue Shaoping bent down, covering her face and sobbing bitterly. "It's come to this point and you still want to go find him. What do you want from him? With so many men in the world, can't you live without him? Are you that cheap?"

  "You want me to be cheap, I'll be cheap." Situ Xuan turned his head to find Yao Qiyun, but he hastily turned away. She stood up straight, pointing in his direction, her hand trembling uncontrollably, "Even if all the men in the world were dead, this trash wouldn't even be worthy of him picking up!"

  Xue Shaoping's hands dropped, her face full of doubt. "Why did I give birth to you in the first place? When you were three years old and had a high fever, the doctor said it was unlikely that you would survive, I should have given up on you then, you're not my daughter, I'd rather you died back then."

  Situ Xuan thought that she had given up everything, and nothing mattered anymore. It wasn't bad, it would make her feel more relaxed with fewer worries. But when the time came, she still felt a heart-wrenching pain, as if she was being flayed alive while conscious. She absurdly thought of cutting off flesh and peeling off bones to become like Nezha's parents, wondering if there was another Jiang Taigong who could grant her an immortal body made of lotus root after her soul had scattered.

  It's possible that Tan Shaocheng was right, she has her own philosophy. Just yesterday, Tan Shaocheng said to his defeated subordinate, Situ Xuan: "Do you still remember that time when you accused me of being a snitch? I didn't do it, and at the time, I hadn't even thought about what to do with you. You taught me a lesson. Speaking of which, I should thank you, so I'll share my experience of self-consolation with you - do you feel pain now? It's nothing. When I was young, my mom asked me to buy vinegar, and I was afraid she would scold me, so I ran quickly, but fell and skinned my knee, and there was blood all over my foot. My mom heard me crying, came out, saw the broken bottle, the spilled vinegar, and the torn pants, and then she beat me up on the spot without even looking at my foot. Because physical pain is nothing, wounds will heal, new skin will grow, but the vinegar and pants are money, once spent, they're gone! Compared to hurting hands or feet, heartache is worthless, not even worth bandaging, who can see it? Being poor to the point of numbness is more pitiful than any pain you can feel... I hate seeing that look in your eyes, as if only you are superior, only you are a precious jade, and everyone else is cheap like broken tiles. Let me tell you, nothing is destined from birth, shattered jade isn't even worth a piece of broken tile. Jade may be dead, but the tile is alive, and that tile is jade."

  Xīu Xīn no longer regretted, she went to find Zōu Jìn was right, regardless of everything wanted to leave was also right, the farther the better, the faster the better, never come back again, even if you have to struggle in a place without dependence or identity, even if you can't survive for two years, once deported, this life will not be able to go anywhere. She completely cut off her retreat, and there was no place for her to stay again.

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