"You're thinking about E-rrr, Ashy mine," Shady accused, silver eyes narrowed. "I can taste your thoughts from here!"

  "I'm not—" Galateya's scales flushed pink.

  "LIES! You’re angry at him… but… THOUGHT-EVIDENCE OF YEARNING DETECTED!" Shady growled, pointing an accusing claw at Galateya. “You’re contemplating the book cafe date, you devious dragon!”

  "Stop reading my thoughts!" Galateya demanded, her scales flashing through irritated oranges.

  "No," Shady said flatly. "I am Commander. You are suspicious dragon who thinks loud thoughts about MY Ashy. Therefore, I do what I want for Ashy-safety purposes. Strategic thought surveillance!"

  “You damned Wendigos are all the same,” Galateya growled. “And here I thought that Ash would have picked a decent…”

  “Protecting valuable human assets from dragon yearning!" Shady countered, crossing her arms. "Your brain is very loud. Like... like microwave beeping, but emotional!"

  I ignored their bickering with a sigh, looking back at the stove.

  "The water's boiling," Nexxali elbowed me excitedly. "Yes! The ritual begins!" She dumped an entire box of wagon wheels into pot one. "Activate the dark power of human engineering!"

  "It's just pasta shaped like—"

  "FOOD ENGINEERING!" she insisted, then poured alphabet pasta into pot two. "Behold! THE ENTIRE HUMAN LANGUAGE! In edible form! Do you understand the implications?"

  "No?"

  "Each meal could contain a story! An unexpected narrative!" She grabbed the Easy Mac box. "And this one claims to be EASY! Easy compared to what? Is regular mac hard? Is there a Difficult Mac? An Impossible Mac? Do I unlock the regular mac after I master the easy mac? How many pastas must I consume to unlock the final Mac stage?"

  "Nexxali, I think you're way overthinking—"

  "And BOW TIES!" She held up the last box. "Formal wear! For food! Your pasta has a dress code! Why?"

  I stirred the wagon wheels with an eye-roll. "You know they all taste basically the same, right?"

  She gasped. "HERESY! Each shape clearly has unique sauce-retention properties! Surface area ratios! Structural integrity factors!"

  "You've really thought about this."

  "I've thought about nothing else since I’ve raided your food shop!" She grabbed a wooden spoon and began conducting the boiling pots like an orchestra. "I have chosen the wagon wheels for transportation! The letters for communication! The mac for simplicity! The bow ties for sophistication! Together they form the four pillars of pasta civilization!"

  “Riiiiiight,” I said.

  Kawathra’s voicecast ring flashed. “Yes?” The magpie asked, tapping the ring.

  "KAWATHRA! WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?!" Linari's voice blasted through at maximum volume. "What have you done with Stormy?! He's not answering his V-ring! We’ve finally finished clearing the crystalloid compound and I wanted to check on you two, but you’re not in Seeker Alpha! You left in Kappa and haven’t reported fuck all! There’s no logs of where you went!"

  "He's sleeping," Kawathra replied calmly. "It's 3 AM in Poland—"

  "I DON'T CARE WHAT TIME IT IS IN POLAND! You obviously kidnapped MY human!"

  "I didn't kidnap anyone. He agreed to come with me for strategic—"

  "STRATEGIC MY TAIL! You've been trying to steal him from me since this morning! I'm coming over there RIGHT NOW!"

  "Linari, that's not necessary—"

  "Yes it is! I’m onto you, bird. Your V-ring’s transponder is active, you amateur!"

  The line went dead.

  "Great," I muttered. "How long until she gets here?"

  "Based on standard glider velocity from Division 881's current position..." Kawathra calculated rapidly. "Four minutes."

  Shady tilted her head, considering the new problem. "Simple solution! Break wolf neck. No smell, no problem!"

  "We're not breaking Linari's neck!" I stated.

  "Why not? Very efficient! Snap!" She made a twisting motion with her large hands. "Then resurrection later. No permanent harm! Like… aggressive nap!"

  “Why are you planning to break Linari’s neck?” Galateya wondered.

  “Only if she sniffs my secrets!” Shady’s dark tail lashed. “My secrets are mine to keep! Immediate neck adjustment! Strategic vertebrae reorganization!"

  “You keep sniffing out my thoughts without asking,” Galateya pointed out.

  “For Ashy mine!” Shady defended her actions. “Too many sus suitors around already! Must keep my little, defenceless Emperor penguin safe!”

  "No neck breaking," I said firmly, though I knew trying to physically restrain seven feet of possessive Wendigo would be like trying to stop a freight train with a strongly worded letter.

  "Maybe little neck breaking?" she bargained. "Just tiny crack? For safety?"

  "Xandy,” I said. “You’re not to break anyone’s neck. If anyone doesn’t want the Scrutimancer to sniff their personal secrets, head upstairs right now please.”

  The vampire girls looked at each other, stood up and departed from the living room. Nexxali stayed where she was, preoccupied with pasta boiling. Shady remained at my side. I looked at her.

  If you discover this tale on Amazon, be aware that it has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. Please report it.

  “I’m staying with you. Dragon must be supervised! No alone time with Emperor! Commander Xandria has spoken!"

  I sighed.

  In a few minutes, a high-pitched whine filled the air. Through the window, I watched a sleek glider descending at what had to be barely-legal atmospheric speeds, leaving a trail of disturbed air that made my ears pop.

  The glider hadn't even fully landed before Linari launched herself from it, hitting the ground running on all fours. Her eyes blazed with fury as she spotted Kawathra through the window.

  "BIRD THIEF!" Linari roared, bursting through my dragon-damaged front door. "WHERE IS MY STORMY?!"

  Kawathra barely had time to squawk before Linari tackled her, sending them both across my devastated living room. I felt an unnerving sense of deja vu.

  "He's MINE!" Linari snarled, pinning the magpie. "I saw him first! I gave him a V-ring! We had connection moments!"

  "Statistical analysis suggests—OW! Stop biting my neck!" Kawathra flapped frantically. "This is highly unprofessional conduct for an Alpha-Scrutimancer!"

  "I'll show you unprofessional!" Linari grabbed a handful of black-rainbow feathers.

  Before I could intervene with a mild verbal complaint, Shady moved. One moment she was beside me, the next she'd grabbed both pradavarians by their scruffs like misbehaving kittens. She lifted them both off the ground—Linari still holding some of Kawathra's head feathers, Kawathra's talons tangled in Linari's armor.

  "UNACCEPTABLE INDOOR VIOLENCE!" Shady bellowed in an attempt at Xandria's voice that came out more like an angry foghorn. She shook them both vigorously. "BAD PRADS! VERY BAD!"

  "Who the fuck—" Linari started, then her eyes went wide as she took in Shady's uniform and imposing presence. “Oh shit, a Frontenachii…”

  “YES! Am Frontenachii P—Commander Xandy!” Shady growled. “Very disappointed in pradavarian lack of sharing protocols!”

  "Sharing?" Linari managed between shakes. "That bird is trying to steal—"

  "BOTH WRONG!" Shady declared. "Proper protocol is COOPERATION! You!" She held Linari up to eye level. "Wolf likes human Storm, yes? I see him in your mind."

  "Yes, but—"

  "And YOU!" She turned to Kawathra. "Bird also likes Storm boy?"

  "The probability matrices suggest mutual benefit from—"

  "BOTH LIKE! THEREFORE BOTH SHARE!" Shady announced as if she'd solved world hunger. "Take turns! Monday, Wednesday, Friday for wolf! Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday for bird! Sunday for Storm recovery! Perfect circle schedule!"

  "That's not how relationships work!" Linari protested.

  "My calculations require—" Kawathra began.

  Shady shook them harder. "NO ARGUING! Commander decides! Sharing is mandatory! Fight again, get thrown in lake! Very cold lake! With… lake monsters!"

  "There aren't lake monsters—" I started.

  "DEFINITELY LAKE MONSTERS!" Shady insisted, silver eyes gleaming. "Hungry ones! That eat selfish prads who don't share humans properly! Will populate lake with monsters, then throw both in. Maybe break necks first. Right now.” She growled deeply, making everyone present shudder.

  Ah. She was feeding on all of us. She wasn’t actually going to break any necks. I realised. This was all a show, a performance, a way to scare the bejesus out of the two prad girls and Galateya.

  She set the bird and wolf down but kept one massive hand on each of their heads, holding them in place. "Now! Apologize! Make friend circles!"

  Linari and Kawathra glared at each other.

  Shady's grip tightened slightly. "Apologize or lake monsters get dinner."

  "Sorry for tackling you," Linari muttered, nervously looking at Shady.

  "Apologies for the statistical superiority complex," Kawathra added grudgingly.

  "Better!" Shady released them. "Now discuss sharing arrangements like civilized predator species! Use words, not claws!"

  "Commander," Linari said carefully, "with respect, I don't think you understand—"

  "Understand perfectly!" Shady interrupted. "Storm boy has two hands! Can hold both paws! Er... talons and claws! Efficient hand usage! Also..." She leaned in conspiratorially. "Storm boy sleeping upstairs. You too busy fighting! Too loud! Probably going to wake him up! Bad girlfriend behavior!"

  Both prads had the grace to look ashamed as she smacked both of their heads from behind.

  "But..." Linari's ears drooped. "I don't want to share."

  "I don't want the wolf getting all the good moments," Kawathra added sullenly.

  Shady sighed dramatically, then plopped down cross-legged on my destroyed living room floor, pulling both prads down with her. "Story time! Once upon a time, Princess—I mean, Commander Xandria—had to share favorite human with stupid dragon and cat!"

  "You mean Ash?" Galateya asked from the kitchen doorway.

  "YES! MY ASH!" Shady pointed at me. "But stupid dragon made blood bond! Very rude! So now must share! But sharing better than fighting because fighting means nobody gets human snuggles!"

  "Snuggles with their dedicated consort are statistically proven to improve pradavarian morale by 34%," Kawathra added, pulling up a chart.

  "See? Bird understands numbers! Wolf understands feelings! Together, make perfect Storm-appreciation team!" Shady beamed. "Cooperation achievement unlocked!"

  Nexxali wandered in from the kitchen, holding a bowl of Easy Mac. "Are we teaching the children to share now? How maternal of you, Commander Xandy."

  Shady preened. "Commander very wise! Knows all about sharing!"

  The wolf relaxed. Then she inhaled deep and stared at Shady. She inhaled again. “What the fuck?”

  “Yeeees?” Shady asked, knuckles cracking. “You better not be smelling my secrets. I no tolerate personal sniffery.”

  “I would never smell a Frontenachii Commander’s secrets, my Lady!” Linari yelped. “My blood contract forbids such actions! I… It’s just that… Why… Do you smell like a crystalloid? Why does everyone here smell like you’ve all been bathing in vampire juices for weeks?”

  “New crystalloid bloom variant,” Nexxali explained, sitting down on the couch and sprinkling her Easy Mac bowl with what I suspected was catnip leaves. “Very smelly. Extra syntropic.”

  “Please read my report about it,” Kawathra added. “It explains the issue.”

  “This is… very bad,” Linari deduced. “I can’t tell…”

  “Cry me a river, Alpha-Scrut. Sucks to be a sniffer today,” the serval shrugged. “N’ways, nobody in this house is a vamp, obviously. Don’t bother smelling for vamps, you’ll give yourself a migraine. Our sensors are all going berserk.”

  “Damn it,” Linari let out.

  “Alpha-Scrut Linari. Do NOT try to sniff where we’ve all been,” the Marshal’s voice became unnaturally deep and echoey. “We’ve had a VERY busy day hunting crystalloids with commander Xandria. That’s all you need to know. If you attempt to smell anyone’s thoughts in this house, I will personally execute you. Everyone here, including the humans, now works for me and Xandy under a VERY special, classified mission for a Legate. Is that understood?”

  “Understood Marshal,” Linari nodded, eyes glassy.

  “Good, at ease,” the serval girl relaxed, stuffing her mouth full of spiked pasta.

  Her pupils went wide and she started purring. “Oh yeah, this is the good stuff. Uuuhhhh, yeah. Human bae, commer and gimme pets. You too… Xandy.”

  As darkness fell, I built a fire in the old fire pit, using wood from the pile Grandpa had left in the slightly lopsided shed. The flames cast dancing shadows across the yard, and everyone gradually migrated outside with plates of food. Piotr had woken up and together we cooked many rare steaks for the girls.

  The Polish man now sat in one corner of the garden with Kawathra and Linari, the trio chatting away in their little personal bubble.

  Galateya sat across from me with South and North, the trio discussing their favorite romance and fantasy novels.

  Keiy sat together with Etty, the guns complaining at each other that everyone smelled like crystalloids. I gave them cups of tea, which made both of the guns blush.

  "This is soooo nice," Nexxali said, stretching beside me and Shady on a log bench. "Normal. Precious."

  "You've never just sat around a fire before?" I wondered.

  "Not for a long time. Not without someone getting executed or threatened," she said. "Frontenachii bonfires are usually for... demonstrations."