"It’s… like how our kittens practice hunting by attacking ankles of adults and bossing everyone they meet," Nexxali added, sprawled across an antique chaise lounge. "Except instead of learning to command prey to submit, Wendigos learn to harvest terror. Verrrrry normal for Frontenachii spawn."

  “Should I expect her to terrify us daily?” I wondered.

  “Mhmmm,” Nexxali nodded with a far too wide mouth yawn.

  “TERROR CIRCLE FUN!” Shady agreed.

  “Wendigo Omnids feed on fear to empower their telepathic abilities. The stronger the fear response from their target, the more clearly they can read and manipulate thoughts. When our Princess terrorizes a target, she's essentially snacking," Kawathra stated. “She must be pretty hungry in this dimension too, constantly low on mana. It’s a problem of local Aetheric linearity.”

  "See? Shady normal!" The disguised Princess preened. "Throwing Emperor in lake is sign of healthy Wendigo development!"

  "That's not exactly reassuring," I muttered, putting on the fedora at a rakish angle.

  "Oh, it gets worse," Nexxali continued. "Adult Wendigos can induce targeted nightmares, manifest as sleep paralysis demons, and make you experience your worst fears in vivid detail. Some of the fleet Commanders collect specific flavors of terror like wine connoisseurs."

  “No nightmares!” Shady insisted. “Only warm hugs!”

  “So what happens if she doesn't scare me often?” I wondered.

  “Currently reported symptoms: Restlessness, snappiness, depression, chest-ache and anger,” the magpie revealed, pulling up another chart.

  "I'm starting to think I need a handbook for dating a Wendigo," I muttered.

  "DATING?" Shady blinked. "Emperor wants dating? Princess can do dating! Will throw in MORE lakes! Romantic lakes!"

  “NO! I veto the lake throwing!” Nexxali voiced. “That's the opposite of what I want in life! No more surprise drowning, kay, thanks.”

  Shady squinted at the lounging serval, clearly judging her.

  “Does Shady have to be the one scaring me?” I wondered.

  “No,” Kawartha said, “the Frontenachii warships have entire Entertainment Decks devoted to terror generation. Dark pools filled with modded captured predators, labyrinth chambers where kobolds are hunted for sport, sensory deprivation areas that simulate falling, dying and drowning..." She pulled up a holographic schematic. "The commanders spend days in these facilities, feeding on manufactured fear experienced by their male ‘bolds.”

  “Damn,” I said, “So like... a spa, but for sadistic telepaths."

  "Holy shit. That sounds…. Fucking awful," South commented, emerging from the shower in a bath robe. “So they don’t just turn us into guns, they also torture male prads on the daily?”

  "Just natural Wendigo behavior," Kawathra shrugged. "The fear generated empowers their abilities and bonds their kobolds more tightly through trauma. The Frontenachii Commanders alternate the Entertainment deck visits with the Pleasure Decks where they relax further with… breeding activities to produce more progeny."

  Something clicked in my mind.

  If Wendigo commanders needed fear emanations to power their psychic abilities, but Earth's low magic field messed with their physiology... they'd be like addicts in withdrawal, looking for a VERY particular hit.

  Finally, I had something to hook the Wendigos with!

  "RECREATIONAL FEAR!" Shady agreed proudly, missing the darker implications in her brain-spider recovery mental state. "Emperor makes great fear snacc! Crunchy! Nom!" Her teeth snapped in front of my face, making me shudder involuntarily.

  I pulled out my tablet and quickly typed a message to my resistance network:

  [Emperor of Earth ?_?]: Any luck with seducing the Wendigo Commanders?

  [Napoleon (? ?° ? ?° )?]: Nope. All attempts at love-bombing the commanders that occasionally show up to manage the prads have failed thus far. They don’t seem to be interested in pawns we throw at them at all.

  [Emperor of Earth ?_?]: I think I know exactly what they want…

  I began typing out a plan. Shady slid closer, reading over my shoulder.

  "Emperor planning dates for other Wendigos?" she asked.

  "Strategic fear distribution," I smiled. “Planning dates for Wendigos, yes. Especially you, Shades. I think that I’m starting to understand you better.”

  She considered this. "Princess gets BEST fears, yes? Premium scary moments?"

  "You get all my premium terror," I assured her, which was definitely the weirdest romantic promise I'd ever made.

  "ACCEPTABLE!" She declared, hugging me tightly.

  We spent a few hours at the hotel room, enjoying takeout delivered from the restaurant downstairs and listening to Shady replicating voice recordings of Xandria’s voice that Kawathra pulled out of her database.

  It was late evening by the time we pulled back to my house. I saw Galateya through the window, pacing in the living room. The evening light caught her crystalline hair, making it shimmer with oranges and reds.

  "Remember," I repeated to Shady, "you're Commander Xandria. You got lost in a dimensional dungeon three years ago."

  The narrative has been illicitly obtained; should you discover it on Amazon, report the violation.

  "XANDRIA REMEMBERS!" she said too loudly, then caught herself. "I mean... yes. Indeed. Am glorious commander X!"

  We piled out of the Seeker, and I led our group to the front door. The moment I opened it, Galateya was there, scales flashing through a spectrum of concerned colors and textures.

  "Where have you been? You said a few hours and—" She stopped, staring at Shady in her Commander uniform. "Who...?"

  "Galateya," I said, "this is Commander Xandria Frontenachii, my… girlfriend.”

  Galateya's scales and hair went pure white. "Your… what?"

  Shady stepped forward. "Girlfriend. Ash mine. You blood-bonded him without permission, but Ash MINE. Will murder painfully if you touch. Understand?"

  "I... I didn't..." Galateya swallowed as she stepped back into the house. "I'm sorry, Commander. I didn't know that he was claimed. Ash didn't tell me about you and—"

  "Don't care," Shady interrupted. "No touching. Only looking. From distance. Far distance!"

  Kawathra quickly interjected, "Commander Xandria is still recovering from her ordeal. The dimensional dungeon she was trapped in contained memetic hazards that required a memory reset. I recently had to reconstruct her neural pathways. She's... Still adjusting."

  "Memory problems?" Galateya asked, looking somewhat more sympathetic.

  "Big problems!" Shady agreed cheerfully. "Forgot many things! But remember Ash! Ash is best circle—I mean, person. Best human! Adjusting circle indeed!”

  Galateya gave me a look that implied that she was very disappointed in me. I simply shrugged.

  I gestured to the vampire sisters. "And this is North and South, my friends from town. They're going to be staying at my place for a while. Their landlord cut their lease short and shut off their electricity and water and left town due to the invasion.”

  "Hi," North waved awkwardly.

  South simply nodded, eyeing the dragon girl with a suspicious expression. Keiy emerged out of the hallway and stared at all of us. A red beam flashed out of the gun’s head.

  “VAMPIRES!” She yelped. “GAH! You’re all… Wait, that can’t be right.”

  The scanner beam flashed again, blinding me. “Slayer, damn it all!” She huffed, voice becoming extra-irate. “Arch-Datamancer Kawathra, I’d like to report another deviation!”

  “We’re all coming up as crystalloids on your scan?” Kawathra asked with a smile.

  “Indeed,” Keiy stated. “Which is impossible. You were all fine this morning. Crystalloid infection cannot possibly happen this quickly, especially in pradavarians. Plus Omnids cannot become vampires at all.” Keiy’s red beam flashed across Shady. “How are you a vampire? What the fuck is happening?!”

  Galateya stared at her gun. “Keiy… Did you just swear?”

  “Oh piss off,” Keiy grumbled. “How am I supposed to trust my sensors and assign danger levels to someone if I cannot tell if they’re a crystalloid or not? This is fucked! Don’t you get how fucked this is?!”

  “You! DEVIOUS HUMAN!” She jabbed a black leg at me. “I bet this is somehow your fault!”

  “It’s not,” Kawathra said. “What you’re seeing is a new type of a crystalloid mold. Read my report and bookmark it for future reference and recommend it to other guns.”

  “It was probably released into the air when Seeker Alpha obliterated the vamp compound from orbit,” Nexxali added. “The vampire thralls we fought today were covered in the stuff! Sux, but that’s life. Assuredly, none of us are vamps, Unit Keiy. Feel free to scan Seeker Kappa for the same residue.”

  Keiy huffed and walked out of the house. She walked around Seeker Kappa, flashing the centipede with her red beam.

  “Oh come on! This is not fair!” She whined. “Great, even the Seeker is showing up as a hostile crystalloid! Arghhh!”

  "So," Galateya said carefully as we walked into the living room, "you were trapped in a dimensional dungeon?"

  "YES!" Shady declared. "Very trapped! Many squares—I mean, many difficulties! Terrible geometry everywhere! Angles that shouldn't exist! But now found Ashy again! Much better!"

  "And you two were... together before?" Galateya's voice carried a note of hurt.

  I opened my mouth to explain, but Shady beat me to it.

  "Ash MINE since..." she paused, clearly trying to remember what we'd discussed. "Since BEFORE! Very before! Many befores ago!"

  "Over a decade," I said.

  “OVER TEN BEFORES!" Shady agreed triumphantly. "Best boyfriend! Makes excellent circles—FOOD! Makes excellent food! Promised fright date soon!"

  Galateya’s face and mane rippled with waves of jagged jade and emerald. "I see. And you didn't think to mention your Commander girlfriend when my great-grandmother ordered me to bind you?"

  “Would you have agreed to it if I did?” I asked.

  “Obviously not!” She snarled, icicles growing from her mane. “You’ve put me into a shit situation here, Ash! Now…”

  “No threaten boyfriend with COLD FEELS or I snap neck.” Shady stated bluntly, looming over Galateya with black antlers and probably scaring the hell out of the poor Taniwha.

  The dragon girl’s mane melted instantly. She stepped further back. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Listen, I didn’t… I’m the victim here! He tricked me and it’s not fair to either of us…”

  “SILENCE!” Shady barked. “Is VERY FAIR! FAIREST POSSIBLE! Ashy is best Em—uhm, penguin circle boyfriend! Very cute! You on probation, till I figure out what you are.”

  She began sharking around Galateya, sniffing the distraught-looking dragon girl.

  “I’m a…” Galateya began.

  “A Taniwha,” Shady stated in Galateya’s voice. “Sus dragon… changing shape. Why like Ash? First cat, then vamp, now dragon. I leave Ashy for one day… ONE DAY and all these circle courtiers show up!” The Wendigo grumbled.

  I wanted to say that all of this was Shady’s fault. That if Shady didn’t try to hide in my house on Earth, didn’t eat the damned brain spiders, then none of this would have happened. I chose not to voice my opinion, since I didn’t want to reveal to Galateya that Shady was the Frontenachii Princess.

  “Hey, um, soo… How’s Piotr doing?” I asked instead, redirecting the conversation away from the relationship mess I’ve gotten myself into.

  “We had dinner, watched some TV, walked around the mansion and he picked a bedroom to pass out in,” Galateya replied briskly. “It’s around three AM in Poland now.”

  "Ashy! PASTA!" Nexxali helpfully materialized beside me. "I demand pasta! All the pasta!” The serval dragged me into the kitchen away from Galateya’s glare. Shady followed me like a dark, antlerred shadow, casting suspicious glances back at Galateya.

  "Right, pasta it is." I commented as I started pulling pots from the cabinets.

  Nexxali grabbed my arm. "No! Not enough! Need MORE pots!"

  "How many pots do you need for pasta?" I asked.

  "ALL OF THEM!" She began ransacking the kitchen, pulling out every pot she could find.

  “Are you planning to cook all of the pasta you bought today?” I raised an eyebrow.

  “Yes, today!” Nexxali declared.

  I pointed at the old gas stove. “The stove only has four burners…”

  "Fine! FOUR TYPES of pasta!" Nexxali announced, arranging four of the biggest conquered pots atop the stove. "I choose…” She stared intently at her army of purchased boxes. “Wagon wheels, alphabet letters, Easy Mac and bow-ties! Commence cooking ritual!”

  "Why do we need to cook them all at once?" I asked, already knowing this was a losing battle.

  "Because how else will I understand the TRUTH of the pasta variety?" She grabbed a box of wagon wheels, studying it with the intensity of someone decoding nuclear launch codes. "These ones have SPOKES, Ash. SPOKES!"

  Behind us, Galateya and Shady were having what could generously be called a "conversation" but was really more of a territorial standoff.

  “Why are you staring at me so hard?” Galateya asked.