I’m in the clubroom pretty te tonight. Our on-stage rehearsals start in two weeks, and I’m still not doing a great job with the dialect or even remembering my lines. So I’m working extra extra hard to get it all down. Ken lent me a tape recorder and suggested I start recording myself so I can hear what I sound like. So, I'm doing that too.

  But, I’ve reached my limit for the day.

  As I’m just about to leave the performing arts center, I hear music coming from the band room, which is odd for this time of night. Then I hear the music stop, and I hear some very loud banging sounds. I stop outside the door for a minute. Then I hear a girl scream angrily.

  I don't know what I’m about to walk into…but maybe they need help. I'll just peek first.

  I slowly crack the door, and see Saki. At first I breathe a sigh of relief that it's someone I know. But then I remember what I heard, and see what she's doing now, and I don't feel relieved at all.

  She's sitting down and crying into her hands. There are music stands that have been knocked to the ground in front of her, and her violin is face down a good 4 meters away from her.

  I go through the door as quietly as I can, but then I start to think this was a bad idea. I want to help if I can. But I don't know her very well. She may not want me here.

  She looks up and sees me and she tenses up. I get really scared. But then, to my surprise, she ughs. It's a strange sight with her tear-stained face.

  “This isn't what I meant when I said you could watch me py. What are you even doing here?”

  I wring my hands together and look at my feet. “I-I'm in drama club…I was staying te and working on my lines. I was walking by and h-heard you.”

  “A likely story. Are you sure you're not following me? Are you in love with me?” She gasps. “Is that why talking about boys with me made you nervous?”

  “Y-you’re…very pretty, but I don't love you.”

  She chuckles and tilts her head to the side, “Jokes are hard for you, aren't they?”

  I nod with my eyes closed, feeling embarrassed, “S-sometimes. When I'm nervous.”

  She sighs, “Can you bring me my violin?”

  I nod and pick it up off the ground and walk over to her. I hand it to her. She examines it and then looks relieved. “Looks like it escaped any serious damage. My dad would not have been happy if I needed a new one.” She pushes something on the ground with her foot. “ That's probably beyond repair though.”

  I now notice her bow is broken in half and at her feet.

  She looks up at me, noticing I backed up a little after handing her the violin. She looks embarrassed. “I…know I did something kind of scary a minute ago, but you aren't my violin. So…you're safe. I promise.”

  I sit down in the chair next to her. “A-are you okay?”

  She frowns, “No. No, I'm… really not.”

  “D-do you want to talk about it?”

  She sighs and looks at me. “Nagisa, I don't know you very well. This is…what, our second real conversation? And that's being generous.”

  I nod, “Okay. I understand. I hope you feel better.”

  I stand up and make it halfway to the door when she asks, “Ever had a boyfriend?”

  Confused, I turn around and say, “Huh?”

  She looks surprisingly bashful, “I-I’m trying to get to know you better…s-see if I want to talk about it.”

  I smile, “Um…n-no. You?”

  She sighs, “Yeah. Had one st year. Broke up because he's an asshole though.”

  “O-oh.”

  She ughs, “I bet you haven't even kissed a guy have you?”

  I blush and close my eyes and shake my head.

  “Sorry. I know this kind of talk embarrasses you. But…what I have to say is kind of embarrassing, so I’m warming up.”

  I nod, “I-it's okay. I’m almost 20…I should be able to talk about…b-boys.”

  Her eyes go wide. “You’re twenty ?”

  I nod. “Um…almost. I get sick a lot. So finishing school has been hard.”

  Saki frowns, “That sucks . Well as a 19-year-old, I bet you've been in love.”

  I feel my face get hot. I nod, and Saki ughs.

  “Come back and sit with me, please.”

  I do as she asks and then she smirks at me, “So, spill it. Is it one of those drama club boys? They're both pretty cute, so I could definitely see it.”

  I shake my head. “A boy at my old school. He was…my friend's boyfriend, though.”

  Saki grins, “That's unexpectedly spicy for you.”

  “S-spicy?”

  She ughs, “Yeah. Wanting your friend's boyfriend seems…a little naughty . I had you pegged as a good girl.”

  “W-well…I loved him before they got together. I…just didn't tell him.”

  I must have sounded upset because Saki’s grin becomes a frown, “That…probably sucked for you.”

  “A l-little. But we were all good friends and it was nice. The hardest part was getting sick…and watching him…and all my friends graduate and move on…while I was stuck in bed for months.”

  Saki shakes her head. “Sucks when your body just lets you down, doesn't it?”

  I nod.

  She takes a deep breath. “Well…you told me a bit about your health thing…let me tell you a bit about mine. I…also know what it's like to have your body betray you.”

  She puts her hand on her cane. “You know how I have this, right?”

  I nod.

  “Well…it's because I have trouble moving my legs. But…it's going to spread to other pces too.” Her voice becomes strained, “L-tely…I've started to really feel it in my hands for the first time.” She outstretches her hands in front of herself. “P-pying violin is harder…than it used to be…I was trying to practice extra, to make up for it…but, it doesn't make a difference…and I got really frustrated…and well…” She gestures towards the broken bow at her feet, “...you can see the result.”

  I hug her and she lets out a surprised grunt, But then she hugs me back.

  “I w-wish there was something I could do…b-but this is the best I came up with.”

  “Well…it is pretty nice.”

  “D-don't give up.”

  “Huh?”

  “I know…your health is making it hard. But…don't give up. I'm used to my health…getting in the way. And…it's hard. But I don't give up. I'll just keep trying. Even if I'm 30 when I graduate.”

  Saki ughs, “I see your point. I'm not going to give up. But…it’s so frustrating…most people improve at a skill over time. Not me. Not anymore. I’m just going to get worse . At something I’m good at and love doing.”

  I nod, “I'm not talented…so I can't rete to that part. But…I still think you should keep going. As long as you can.”

  She's silent for a moment and then she says, “You go around hugging boys like this and we’ll get you that kiss in no time. You even smell nice.”

  I break the hug and frown at her.

  She ughs, “Sorry, sorry. I didn't want to start crying, so I teased you instead.” She nods, “You’re right. I gotta keep going. Just like Nagisa the Tough.”

  “T-tough?”

  “Yeah, what's wrong with that?”

  “…doctors have called me weak my whole life. I don't think anyone has ever called me tough. I-it…doesn't sound right.”

  She scoffs, “ People are dumb. Doctors are dumb. Give them your condition, see how they do. Most people would give up on school. But not you. That's toughness.”

  I smile, “Th-thank you. I…hadn't thought of it that way.”

  She nods. “I was already thinking I'd keep going as long as I possibly can…but, you definitely gave me some extra perspective and motivation. So, thank you .”

  “I’m just gd I could help a little.”

  She stands up and starts to put her violin away.

  “So, any Yamaku boys you have your eye on?”

  I sigh, “W-why are you teasing me again?”

  “Oh. I didn't mean to. I was just curious. You don't like talking about this kind of thing at all, huh? You have an easier time talking about your health than boys?”

  I shrug, “I guess so. I haven't really thought about any of the boys here.”

  “Ah, I see. Still hung up on the boy back home?”

  “Maybe. I've been doing better about it since I came here. I don't think about him that much. But I also haven't thought about any of the boys here.”

  She nods and then looks thoughtful for a moment, “Yeah, I guess…I'm not that interested in dating either after my ex.”

  She finishes packing up her violin and says, “Well…we should probably get going. We're not nerdy enough to be doing club stuff this te in the evening.”

  We head for the exit while we continue to chat.

  I ugh, “I'm nervous about the py and spending a lot of time here, so I think I'm a nerd.”

  Saki ughs, “Yeah, maybe. When is it anyway? I'd be interested in seeing you up on a stage.”

  “It's in about six weeks. When is your next concert?”

  “We have one at the school festival.”

  “I'll make sure I come and see you, too.”

  I'm in my room doing my homework. It's a holiday weekend. Many students went home, including Akane and my drama club friends. I didn't because my parents couldn't afford it. It's been very quiet in the dorms the st two nights.

  This is why I am surprised to hear a knock on my door. When I open it, I see Akane. And she looks sad. Not as sad as when Misha dumped her, but it still isn't good.

  “C-can I come in?”

  “Of course.”

  She smiles softly, comes in, and flings herself on my bed. She ys down and starts snuggling my dango like she’s in her own room. It makes me ugh.

  I sit down on the bed next to her and say, “I thought you were with your dad this weekend.”

  She sighs and rolls on her side so she can look at me, “He was a complete jerk to me. So, I came back.”

  “What did he do?”

  “He’s just…mad about some of my choices and it makes it hard to talk to him sometimes.”

  “Oh. You mean-”

  She ughs, cutting me off, “No. Not that . He’s fine with that, actually. I’ve been out to my parents since I was 15. And…that isn’t a choice , by the way.”

  “Y-you’re right. I’m sorry.”

  She grins, “That’s okay. I know you didn’t mean anything bad by it. I mentioned my dad being mad about something…not a huge leap to think it's that.”

  “So, if it isn’t that, what is it? What choice doesn't he like?”

  She sighs, “It’s…something that’s hard to expin to someone who isn’t deaf.”

  “Oh.”

  She smiles, “I’ll try my best, though.”

  I nod, hoping I can help my friend.

  “Let's see…where to start. Hmm…I guess we haven't really talked about my family, huh? Or my hearing?”

  I shake my head.

  “Okay, let's start there. Both of my parents are completely deaf. I was born with very, very limited hearing. 90% deaf, or so.”

  “W-wow…and, your hearing aids are so good that you can hear like most people?”

  She nods, “More or less.” She brushes her hair back and taps the ear piece, “It’s more than just a regur hearing aid, though. I had surgery when I was 2. There is an actual device in here. They are called cochlear impnts.” She taps on the side of her head. Then she points to the earpiece and the other part on her scalp. “These two pieces take in sound and use signals to communicate with the impnt, which reys it to my brain, pretty much. I don’t quite hear like you do, but it mimics your kind of hearing.”

  “Um…is that also why your accent is…different?”

  She nods, “Yeah, I think the way I sound is how people sound to me, which obviously isn’t…quite right to your ear.” She frowns, "It isn't…bad, is it?”

  I shake my head, “I’ve always understood you, but you have a distinct way of speaking. I-It isn’t a bad thing. I…kind of like it, actually.”

  She smiles up at me, “Well, good.” Then she sighs, “Anyway, my dad doesn't like cochlear impnts.”

  “Huh? He doesn't want you to be able to hear?”

  “This…is the part that’s hard for the non-hearing impaired to understand.” She pauses for a moment and furrows her brow. I think she's weighing how best to expin it. I hope I can understand.

  Her brow unfurrows and she says, “So…some deaf people don't view deafness as a medical condition that should be cured. They view deafness as a culture and part of someone’s identity. Just like…being Japanese. Or Buddhist. These people are very opposed to cochlear impnts. My dad is one of them.”

  I feel confused for a moment so I shut my eyes as I slowly piece things together. Once I do I open my eyes and hesitantly say, “So…that means…your dad…thinks you abandoned your culture?”

  She nods and then grimaces, “Pretty much.”

  “But…wait…how did you get the impnts if he didn't want you to? Why didn't he stop it back then?”

  She ughs wryly, “My family dynamics aren't like most people's. He wasn't around when I was 2. Because my parents never married and were never even in a serious retionship. They just…hooked up a few times in college. My dad didn't even know I existed until he bumped into me and my mom at the supermarket when I was 9.”

  I raise my eyebrows, “Wow. I knew your parents weren't together…but not this.”

  “Yeah, it was quite the surprise for him. To his credit…he has since then helped my mom out and been a big part of my life. And he’s mostly supportive and loving.”

  I smile, “That's good.”

  She smiles, “It is. He has a whole family and everything, and his wife is sweet to me. And I have two little sisters who are fun to py with and they adore me.”

  I smile, “That's sounds really nice.”

  She smiles, “It really is.” Then she sighs and knits her eyebrows, “ Except , for all the stuff with my impnts.” She gestures towards the side of her head. “Like, he makes me take off all of this when I go over. So his kids don't get influenced by me. And in general, he doesn't like that I have them.”

  “But…you were two. By the time he met you it was already done. It wasn’t really a choice you made. It's n-not fair for him to be mad about it.”

  “You’re right, but I could choose to abandon them. That’s what he wants.”

  I frown, “It would be hard for us to talk without them. S-so I like them.”

  Akane smiles, “Well, I'm going to keep using them, don't worry. But…you could always learn sign nguage.” She winks. “I could even tutor you.”

  I nod, “That’s true.”

  She sighs, “Anyway, asking me not to wear them when I’m with him and his family is one thing. It annoys me a little, but I understand. I’m at his house after all. And he doesn't want his kids to get impnts. But…that isn't where it ends. It isn’t only about them. He compins that I live life like a hearing person, too. Constantly. ”

  “What does that mean?”

  “Well, he’s the reason I came here. Before Yamaku, I went to regur school. He wanted me to go to a school for the deaf. Yamaku was sort of a compromise. He’s still not happy about it, though. Says he wishes I went to other schools constantly. Says he wishes I was more involved with deaf culture constantly.”

  I frown, “S-so…he wants you to be more like him and his family?”

  “Pretty much. It's frustrating because I feel like I am very tapped into deaf culture. His frustration with me would make more sense if I abandoned sign nguage. Many with impnts do. But I haven't! I still use it every day. It's how I talk to my family and friends. I tutor sign nguage students, most of which aren’t hearing impaired at all, so I’m actually helping to spread deaf culture! I want to teach at a school for the deaf, or at least teach sign nguage.” She squeezes the dango and looks down as her voice breaks, “I think I’ve even made some of those choices to make him proud of me…b-but it isn't enough. He never praises me, just tells me everything I do is wrong. It makes me feel…like I'm not good enough.”

  I put my hand on her shoulder, “So, the fight was about all of this?”

  She starts to sniffle and nods, “We talked about where I’ll go to university next year. He wants me to go to Tsukuba, because that’s where he and my mom went and they have a school for the deaf there. I told him I wanted to go to a regur university. He got pissed and we started arguing.” She sighs, “Neither of us actually used our voices of course, but the way we were signing would be equivalent to screaming at the top of our lungs. We were fighting in front of my little sisters too, which really made him mad. He…told me to get out of his house if I wasn't going to show him respect. So…I did.”

  She starts to cry softly, “I just want to have a retionship with him. He's my dad. I love him. B-but…he makes it so hard. I just…I want him to be proud of me. To think I'm doing the right thing, b-b-but…he doesn't even like who I am…” She trails off and puts the dango to her face and starts to cry into it.

  I can't imagine what it would be like to have a parent who won't accept such a big part of you. I'm very thankful for my parents.

  As she continues to cry, I y down next to her. Remembering the st time she cried in my room, I get close to her so that I can reach around her and stroke her hair and rub her back.

  After a few minutes, she stops crying and removes the plush from her face and looks me in the eyes for a moment with a small smile on her face. I smile back, gd to see she is feeling a little better from my efforts. With the plush out of the way, I realize now that our faces are very close.

  In the next instant her lips are on mine. They feel soft. And warm. And moist. They taste salty from her tears. Now her arms are around me and she’s pulling me even closer to her.

  Wait…what!?

  I pull my lips away, while also pushing on her gently.

  Her eyes get wide. She pulls her arms back and puts her hand to her lips and looks away from me. She looks like she might start crying again.

  I try to say something. But nothing comes out.

  She quickly puts distance between us and gets off the bed. She walks towards the door without saying anything.

  I continue trying to say something, anything. But I can't. I don't know what to say.

  She opens the door and she looks at me for a moment. Then she quietly, and tearfully says, “…sorry.” She closes the door behind her before I can respond.

  I sit up on my bed, dumbfounded by what just happened on it. I think I just really hurt her feelings. She came here looking for someone to talk to about her dad. For someone to help her. And I did the opposite. I hurt her. And she left my room crying.

  And I may have just ruined a friendship that is very important to me.

  After trying to decide what I should do for several minutes, I look at my dango plush and get an idea. I pick it up and head to the end of the hall, where Akane's room is. I knock on her door, but don't get a response.

  After a minute I knock again and I say, “A-Akane…I just wanted to give you the dango for the night…i-if you want it.”

  I wait a minute and still don’t hear anything. Just when I'm about to give up, the door opens a crack. Only enough for me to see one of her eyes and her cheek. Her room is dark, but the light in the hall is enough for me to see she's been crying some more.

  She whispers, “D-don't you…hate me?”

  I shake my head, “Of course not. I never ever would.” I pause for a moment and then start to worry, “D-do you…hate me?”

  She shakes her head, “Of course not. I could never hate you either.”

  I smile, “Good. Do you want the plush tonight?”

  “Y-you…wouldn't let me take it before. Are you sure?”

  I nod, “Yeah. I know…I didn’t help tonight. So maybe it can.”

  She opens the door a little more, “U-um…then I'll take it for the night. I-if that's okay.”

  I hold it out to her and she opens the door the rest of the way. She takes the dango and holds it to her chest like she always does, which makes me smile.

  She smiles back, “I…know we need to talk. But…can it wait until tomorrow?”

  I nod, “Of course.”

  After we tell each other goodnight I go back to my room and get ready for bed. Once I'm in bed for the night, I start to think about what happened with Akane tonight.

  Maybe I should have tried it longer. It didn't feel right to me. But maybe it would have if I just kept at it. I think she'd be happy if I did. And I want her to be happy.

  I shake my head at myself.

  If I had forced it, it would just have hurt her more when I stopped it. It wouldn’t be that different from what Misha did to her.

  I don't know what exactly she'll tell me tomorrow. You don't kiss someone unless you like them, right?

  But I hope the kiss didn't mean that. Because I don't want to hurt her.

  But, even if that's what happens, I could tell from seeing her tonight that we'll still be friends.