Zia was off-balance by the danger and criminality of her chosen course of action, but she quickly regained equilibrium once she was only among her allies. There was just something horribly disarming about people who were more competent than her. But the people I’m with now are not more competent than me. Now is the perfect time to get control of the situation again. Drexl feels like she’s in over her head and the preacher wants out of the game. “Okay, so does anyone else have a plan? Because I have a plan.” Zidrist looked at her with a raised eyebrow. Drexl just shook her head. “Drexl, you’re the criminal type—”
“Hey now. You’ve known me a while, I’m more than just a criminal.”
“Drexl, come on, I’m talking in archetypes for the benefit of the people who don’t know you.”
“We’re well aware of Miss Drexl’s criminality after that encounter,” Zidrist pinched the bridge of her nose.
“Hey now, be fair, they were civil. And we’re getting off without even a bribe, although maybe that would have been easier?” Darka posed to the group.
“Getting off without even a bribe but we’re robbing another criminal,” Zidrist sighed.
Zia cut in. “But Dear Born seemed confident he could get us the information we wanted. If we can install the rightful heir of Izkarzon on the throne, then it’s no small stretch to say you would be the leader of her or his cult and that would make you untouchable, to say nothing of status and prestige.” I mean, what kind of priest of Izkarzon doesn’t want power? That was the nature of the bargain He posed to his devout when He first came to Dragold, and then He was ordained by the Holy Son as the One True Church on Orth. “You could have your pick of ministering to the Heir’s court or going on missionary journeys to… to Fief and wherever else.” Zidrist looked intrigued at the idea, but said nothing. “And all we need for you for the next step is to tell us if this place we’re robbing is in your parish district.”
Zidrist sighed. “Let me look at that map. …no, it’s not. There’s at least the one Church of Izkarzon between mine and there.”
“Then you can go commune with the Eyes of Izkarzon, and we’ll let you know tonight when we need you.”
“Tonight? What’s tonight?” Darka squeaked. I wish I could squeak without sounding ridiculous. “Zia? You in there?”
Zia shook her head to clear it and turned to Darka. “Tonight… we rob a thug. But I need you before then.”
“Don’t go getting my wife—” sure, rub it in why don’t you, “—in trouble.”
“I won’t. All she has to be is a distraction, rather like you’ll be tonight. Drexl, you’ll scout things out while Darka poses as an itinerant singer—”
“In these robes?!”
“Aren’t you wearing anything under them? Or don’t you have anything else to wear?”
“I don’t know about this… what are you doing in this scheme?”
“It’s not a scheme, it’s a plan. And I’m doing my part, I’m making the plan. Anyway. Darka, you distract the household singing for alms, something peppy and not too short, while Drexl circles the building and peers in windows. She’ll tell us the layout, and see how much muscle is on hand.”
“And tonight?” Zidrist asked.
“Tonight, you distract them with a call to faith, while Drexl—”
“I’m detecting a theme,” Drexl complained.
“—and I break in the back of the building and steal the guy’s regalia.”
“Oh, you’re coming with. Alright. I’m surprised, but game.”
“And my wife?” And again you say…
“She was all visible in phase one of the plan, and she’s not a fighter or a sneak, so she’ll stay out of it. Each of you is visible once, I figure.”
Zidrist pooched her lips and let her eyes wander thoughtfully. “This actually sounds like a halfway decent plan. It doesn’t get me or—” here comes the “wife” “—my wife in trouble, even if it goes sideways. Darka, are you game to go sing?”
“Honestly, that’s the least squirrely part of this plan. I can go do that. Zia makes a fair point, I have a tunic and trousers under my choral robes.” She proceeded to toss her robes over her head and hand them to Zidrist. “What about you, Darka? You’re getting the short straw on both parts.”
“I’m honestly not positive I’m the best pick for this. I’m used to being obvious, that’s the whole point of muscle.”
“You’ve never snuck around a bit?” Zia knew she sounded petulant, but she didn’t like the idea of scoping out the mansion herself. I totally did give Darka the short end of the stick but she’s bread she should be used to that. I’m ouroboros, Izkarzon condemn it all! I know what’s best and shouldn’t have to be convincing a bread and a wane… I shouldn’t even be arguing with Zidrist, she’s still just a hunger!
“Only before I started working for Madame Krask. I picked pockets.”
“But you’re a… a whatchamacallit. An enforcer. You know what a fortified position looks like, while—”
“Alright! I’ll do it! Fine.”
Zia smiled. “Thank you, Drexl.”
As the strains of The Izkarzon Song wafted down the street, a song which Zia knew from experience could have almost any number of verses, she found herself boosting Drexl over the wall surrounding the grounds of the thug’s estate. Undignified for a mastermind like myself, but I promised Zidrist just the one role in this. There was one part of the plan that had come up last-minute, which she really didn’t like. The thug’s estate—no, I am not giving consideration to the possibility this isn’t legitimate criminal work. The man is a thug and he’s reigning it over the long-standing criminals and needs to be knocked down a peg. It’s not like we’re killing him—had a wall, just too high to be easily climbed over solo. See? Totally criminal thinking. So after Drexl was boosted up to the top of the wall, she reached down and pulled Zia up. Zia would be hanging out behind the decorative topiary until Drexl had made her circuit of the small mansion. She peeked through the topiary, and saw Drexl—her hand flew to her mouth. Drexl is just walking around blandly? I thought she’d, like, sneak from bush to bush or something and maybe peek in windows, but she’s just walking around the building! Zia froze, and only thought to duck back behind the topiary after she saw someone peering out of a window over the grounds. Oh my Izkarzon, she’s going to get caught just to spite me, she’s going to get me caught, we’re all going to go to jail and I’m never going to meet my person at my third come out because I’ll be like thirty! Her thoughts continued in that vein until she heard a rustling. Well, this is it. May as well meet my fate with digni—“Drexl?!”
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“Shhh. You want to give it all up now? Boost me over the wall.” Numbly, Zia complied, then took Drexl’s hand and clambered over herself. The stiff leather of her father’s armor restricted her movement just the slightest bit, but she still made it handily. Maybe I should have saved the leather armor for the actual adventure—but no, this is the adventure part. We’re doing crimes. That’s having an adventure. Crimes for the greater good.
“What did you see?” Zia could hardly contain herself.
“Let’s go back to the dive we were at the other night and I’ll walk you through it. Then you can get your distracting pastor and we’ll be ready to go. Nightfall should be a few hourglasses from now, we’ll have plenty of time to prepare.”
“I’ve got some ideas for breaking in.”
Drexl sighed. “Do tell?”
“Well, the windows lock from the inside, right? What if I used fire to break the window, so that neither of us got bloody breaking it?”
“Still be noisy. And bright.”
“I could burn down a servant door…”
“Also bright, and probably noisy, and if that fire catches we’re in trouble.”
“Well how about if we’re discovered, I blind the person with flame. Not, like, permanently, but in their face?”
“A much more serious crime than robbing a house if you miscalculate, and a brighter, noisier method than knocking them over the head, which has the added benefit of impairing memory.”
“How about if—”
“Zia, you’ve been billing me as your ‘criminal expert’ all day, how about you trust me to get us inside?”
Zia crossed her arms and pouted. I’m the mastermind! I’m the leader! Just because we’re doing stuff you’re good at doesn’t make you the boss of me.
That night, they crept back to the thug’s estate. At Drexl’s polite insistence, Zia had left her leathers at home and was dressed in utterly unattractive unadventurous trousers and tunic, both practically mourning black. This time, it was Zidrist’s voice which carried over from the front of the building, talking about the merits of devotion of Izkarzon, even now that he was no longer incarnate. It was comforting to listen to, the combination of praise and veiled threat regarding their immortal souls something she had heard all her life. It made her more confident in this course of action. Even if I get caught and get in trouble, at least I will have done right by Izkarzon. Though, He does punish incompetence within his Godly gullet. But I’m quite competent, just unlucky.
They came around to a small, unimpressive door Zia was sure was the servants’ entrance. She tried the knob before Drexl, and shook her head, whispering, “It’s locked!” Izkarzon preserve me I’m utterly incompetent and all I want is to get out of this intact! I’ll go home and have a regular life and—Drexl grabbed the knob and pulled, and the door swung open. Oh. What? Reaching around, Drexl pulled a small pebble out of the latch and let it fall to the ground. She gestured for Zia to follow her. And she says she doesn’t have any sneak-thief skills. Sarxing drakes, we’re gonna do this!
They crept though the well-appointed manor—not as nice a neighborhood as my house. But then, it looks like they can afford to use beeswax candles and haven’t sold much. How big-time is this guy? I mean, Drexl’s boss, what was her name? She lived down in the swamp, but Dear Born must be like a whole stage up from her. Especially if this guy is just a hopped up thug. Weird name though. He must not be from… I should pay attention! Zia very nearly ran into Drexl as she stopped abruptly to let a servant pass. Her shoes let out a loud squeak and the servant and Drexl both turned to face her, the former curiously and Drexl with disgust. I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to squeak, but I had to stop suddenly! You should have whispered something, how am I supposed to see when it’s—with a “tonk” sound, it was abruptly dark again, the candle in the servant’s hand going out as it fell to the ground with the servant. Zia’s eyes, briefly dazzled by the candlelight, adjusted to the dark and she saw that Drexl had a plain plank out and ready, and that the hollow “tonk” she’d heard had been the sound of it impacting the servant’s head.
“Come on, Zia,” Drexl hissed. She sounds just the slightest bit annoyed with me. More than the slightest bit. Like it’s my fault. I’m being nice by coming with her, and she’s mad at me! How is that fair?! She turned down all my wickedly cool ideas for breaking in and gets us in with a pebble and I could totally have thought of a pebble in the latch, I was just trying to be creative like an adventurer—sarx it, if I keep thinking Drexl’s going to stop again and get mad at me even more! Zia sighed, and Drexl jumped at the sound and shot Zia an exasperated look. When they got to the stairs, Drexl made a point of showing Zia where to step. Edge of the staircase, closest to the wall. Well yeah, even the Daring Kaliskast knew that, and I’ve read nearly every volume! Finally, after an interminably long hallway, they came upon the master bedroom. There was no sound from within, but that had been the plan. I’d be worried if there was snoring, we might wake the guy while he was sleeping, but Zidrist is keeping him busy trying to bring him to the flock. “Zia, you wanted to use your fire, conjure us a small flame. Just enough light to see by. I can guess where this guy keeps his regalia when he’s planning to sleep but I can’t see through the curtains.” Oh, so when it’s your idea… oh whatever, fine. Zia muttered a small prayer to the Mother and conjured fire in the palm of her hand. She raised her arm, and the room was lit in a guttering light. Zia felt sweat bead on her forehead, a small candlelight was less her specialty than a big burst—like we might have used to bust a window, or burn down a door, or blind a servant. Drexl was methodically going through the room, leaving doors open—wouldn’t you want to close things so that he didn’t know anyone had been here?—Zia voiced her question in a whisper and Drexl just shook her head and kept looking.
“And what,” a cold, deep voice asked, “Do you think you are doing in my chambers?” Zia spun, and saw a tall, fair man in a nightgown—you know, he’d be really attractive if it weren’t for his expression and the—sarx, knife! Big knife!—Zia swung her arm down and ran her will down into the flame in her hand. It went from a small flame to a conflagration, enveloping both the man, presumably the “thug,” and the doorway he’d been in. His mouth opened wide, but no sound escaped. Fire eats air, you’re not getting a word in edgewise, earthbrainhead! Finally, something goes right! The man rolled on the ground, but Zia continued pouring on flame, until after maybe a minute he stopped moving.
“Drexl! Find the regalia yet?”
“Right here! Let’s get out of this place before it finishes burning down!”
Zia took a look around and was, for a moment, less impressed with herself. “Uhm… how? The door out is on fire.”
“This is why we use clubs and not fire, Zia. We go out the window. Let’s hope this thornseed spent as much on his bedsheets as he did on his mansion.” Knotting sheets—I could have thought off that. It happened in my broadsides. I just hadn’t gotten there yet, because I’m not used to thinking like a criminal… “You coming, Zia?” Drexl asked quietly from the window. Zia looked to the spreading fire, back to Drexl, and nodded, hurrying to clamber down the improvised rope and out of the mansion. You know, I haven’t even gotten to see the regalia. I was too busy being made to play the candle. Zia looked back at the mansion as flames began to consume it and the alarm was finally raised by the staff. Perhaps I’ll look at it later.
The Izkarzon Song
I love the One and Only God
Who upholds everything!
‘Twas He who ordained Izkarzon
And let Him rule as King!
A truly ancient dragon
Whose ways are wise and kind
Travel into Lindwurmgeld and glory you will find!
All hail the Lord, and Izkarzon
Who was enthroned by Him
We find our joy in following
His each and every whim!
Anything to please our King
Who rules is every way,
We thank him for his leadership on each and every day!
The great God-King named Izkarzon
Invested with God’s light
Capable of magically soaring through the skies
His rule will pass through every night
Through each and every Age
When we write a history we hap’ly turn the page!
But enough about our dragon King
What about His boons?
Well stranger if you’re asking you will meet your maker soon!
We do not question Izkarzon,
We revel in his ways,
It’s the only way to make sure you have numerous days!
