Chapter 38 — A Freak Like You

  I paused at her question, dumbstruck about how to answer. I felt my inner walls wanting to rise up about me like a citadel to protect my secrets. I wanted to give a brief, incomplete answer. I could feel my heartrate begin to rise and my mind skittered over several stories I could tell, before I crushed my fear with my will. I will not give her a partial answer… I can’t do that, not if I want to grow closer, I thought. I reached down and tossed a fresh log on the fire while I judged where to begin my story. Lana had begun by talking about her past relationship with Chris, so I figured I could start there and work up to the harder stuff.

  “I haven’t told… well, really anyone, about my life,” I said, sighing and looking up into the night sky. “Well, not anyone human. Besides Fren, I haven’t had anyone I can be truly honest with about everything.” Lana was watching me carefully as I considered what to say. “I’ll start where you did, with your past relationships. I had a girlfriend for about a month when I lived in Montana. We’d been friends for a long time. She was one of my best friends actually.” I said, hating my bitter laugh after, as I began my story.

  I could remember that day as clearly as today. “Chloe borrowed her parents’ old truck so she could drive us for a night out on the town—I was even rougher on electronics then. It was well into our third week of being officially boyfriend and girlfriend. I’d managed to get some money from doing extra chores around the ranch and took her to dinner, then she drove us to an overlook I hadn’t known about. It was where all the high school kids went for alone time. You know the type of place. I’d never seen or heard about it, but I wasn’t involved in most high school gossip. She parked the truck where we could conceivably watch the sun set.” I coughed, recalling that I hadn’t witnessed much of the sunset, or the scenery outside the truck that night. I left those details out of my story but given Lana’s wicked grin, I surmised she was filling in the missing details more than I would have liked. What I did remember was the intensity of Chloe’s eyes, the depth and size of her pupils, the softness of her lips, and the conversation we’d had after.

  “Chloe and I were never ones to have a silent moment between us,” I said, the night growing darker around Lana and me. “That night, she asked me pointedly about my bruises. I always had them, and I distinctly remember a big one she pointed out on my upper arm. It was black and mottled. I’d gotten it from a rock Clair threw with magic to test my magical defenses. I’d been too slow to summon my shield, and the bruise had been the result…” I paused, looking deeply into the fire, “That kind of accident happened a lot when I was younger. Clair was old school in her training, but it was thorough. That night I’d had several and Chloe had seen them all but the one on my arm was the worst. I remember I considered lying about them when she asked, like I normally did. I could tell her they were from falling off a stubborn horse, or that it was from a plank of wood I’d been carrying while doing farm work—But that night, I was in love. I decided to tell her the truth.”

  The fire crackled and a spark flew out by my foot. I crushed it with my boot, smothering the ember before it could light anything aflame. I could see it clearly, as if I was still in that truck with Chloe. I could see every perfect detail. I could smell the mustiness of the old truck, the slight gas smell imbued in the fabric. I remembered Chloes golden hair cascading around her face, her light blue eyes as she listened to me tell her about my training, about how I was going to one day be a wizard. The stars which were so vibrant out the truck windows, their edges stained with fog. I remembered what I took for awe in her eyes, how contemplative she’d grown as we talked, and she simply listened. I remembered her hug after, how she’d held be close, then kissed my bruise, then my lips.

  “I remembered my elation the rest of that weekend after we parted. I’d told someone the truth about me, and they had understood. Grueling training felt like nothing. My life was finally changing, and everything was connected and right. I had magic, I had a wonderful girlfriend, and the future was brighter than it ever had seemed before.”

  “I got ready for school early that next Monday and eagerly awaited the bus.” I laughed, “That was the first time, most of the time I got on it with feelings of inadequacy because I was nearly eighteen and the oldest person who needed to ride it to school. It also broke down several times, stranding all of us, and I never knew what day my curse would cause a problem. The younger children on the bus avoided me, and as I sat alone in the back seat, none of it phased me in the slightest.”

  I’d rushed to see Chloe at lunch, to meet her at our usual table. I’d found her there but quickly picked up on something being wrong, being different. Instead of a smile and the excitement we generally had, Chloe had held a binder close to her chest, as if warding me away.

  I remembered my stupid words, “Hey Chloe, are you alright?”

  Then her eyes had met mine. They were red rimmed and harsh, but not nearly as much as her words, “—Of course I am, I’m normal, not a freak like you.” I remembered the feeling as my stomach sank and my mouth went dry. My appetite and elation crumbling to ash like the stalks of corn Clair had me slash and burn on her farm.

  “Chloe, what’s wrong?” I asked again, trying to hold in my emotion. Others were beginning to turn in their seats, dozens of eyes locked onto us. The lunchtime spectacle.

  Chloe seemed to not see them, “I want a real man Cal. Not someone who thinks they can do magic. We’re in high school, and I can’t date someone so delusional. Where is the future in that?”

  I could have shown her my power, I could have proved it to her and the hundreds of eyes now watching that I was a wizard. But it was Chloe, I hadn’t thought I’d needed too, that had been the best part of the weekend date—she had trusted me implicitly. She’d believed me and took me at my words. Now her rejection felt like a slap, or a knife to the kidney. I was blindsided.

  “Chloe…that was the truth,” I stammered.

  “Cal, I’ve felt bad for you for years, I mean look.” Chloe gestured to my arms which had several fresher bruises and a sharp gash on one which was scabbed over from my training that weekend. I knew one of my cheeks had been injured as well, the purpling bruise just below my eye hurt more at her gesture than it had when I’d received it.

  “I wasn’t lyi—” I began.

  “--—Cal, you need to see someone. Talk to a therapist or something. You’re being beaten at home. You know it, I know it, we all know it.” she said, gesturing to those around.

  The room had grown uncomfortably quiet. I felt hot and knew my face had flushed. As dozens of eyes regarded me, many nodding along with Chloe’s words I realized my error.

  “You can’t make up fanciful stories to hide the fact,” Chloe said, a single tear running down from one of her eyes. “You can’t lie to me and expect me not to point it out. I need someone in my life who is strong, someone who won’t make up stories rather than confronting the real problem. It’s not healthy.”

  By now there were a few jeers from the crowd, a jock who missed the tone of the conversation mocked me for being dumped, to his friends. I looked around… and saw nearly everyone in the lunchroom watching, those closest with grim sympathetic faces.

  But no, I realized as it became clearer. It wasn’t sympathy, it was pity. Pity for me. They all thought I was being beaten at home and was too obtuse to do anything about it.

  I’d seen that same look on foster families’ faces before. The expression that said I was a broken liar and that they knew better. That I was a case to be fixed. That if I just told the truth all would be well. It was the look that said I’d broken the last thing in their home, and I would be moving on soon if I didn’t wizen up and fix the error of my ways. I couldn’t be trusted around electronics, cars, or things of value, much less normal society. They pitied me because I couldn’t fit the normal mold, and I was too dumb to see it.

  Those looks made it abundantly clear that I was a poor lost soul to be helped, not an equal human worthy of respect.

  They were wrong. I vowed to myself in that moment that I would amount to something. I would be strong. I would show people my true value. I would help others who were helpless and never be the one in need.

  I would not be pitied.

  I realized I’d paused for far too long reminiscing in my memories. Lana sat close, her hand in mine. I coughed shaking my head before continuing my story out loud. “The next time I saw Chloe, after our date. I realized what I’d imagined as her taking it all well, had been the opposite. After thinking my story over, she thought I was delusional. That I was being beaten at home and had concocted the story that I was training to be a wizard to cope with that reality. I’d been so relieved that she believed me… only for her to dump me a few days later.” I said to Lana simply. “It was public and made me feel like a pariah. She didn’t believe anything I said, and she thought I needed mental help,” I chuckled darkly. “It sounds so stupid and sad to say it out loud now, but it messed me up for a while. But that event was also when I got the drive to make something of myself. I trained harder than ever with Clair. Since then, I haven’t told anyone about myself, other than the necessary facts to those I’ve helped over the years.

  Lana gave me an encouraging smile and reached out to put a second hand on mine, pulling it into her lap.

  “Is that all you want to say about it? You were gone for a minute.”

  I locked my jaw and took a deep breath, “Yeah. For now. I’m not sure I could get through more details and they don’t really matter. It was a shitty day, and she dumped me in front of my entire high school, but it was the culminating moment for a lot of things. I’ve had days as bad. Foster families who rejected me and I’ve had more than one awkward drive away from a home with a representative from the agency. They would drop me off at a children’s home or a very temporary foster house until I could be placed again. But that one was more personal.”

  “What was the foster system like?”

  I looked deep into the flames of the fire, “I distinctly remember one guy—who should never have been a foster parent—Fuming at me when the TV broke for the fourth time, and he couldn’t watch football. He demanded to know what I had done. I didn’t know I had magic at the time and had no clue how it broke, I hadn’t touched his precious TV. I was aware enough to know tech meant trouble and I avoided it at that age, and I was only ten or eleven. He was so mad and so sure I had done something that he kicked me out right then and there. It made me feel like I was less important than a TV.” I carefully avoided looking at Lana, not wanting to see her reaction or sympathy for me. “As hard as things were when Clair adopted me, she at least invested time. Made me feel like I had a home. Even if I made a mistake, she took it all in stride.”

  This story originates from Royal Road. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.

  “What about before, with your real family? Do you have any memories with them?”

  I let out a sigh, “I don’t remember much about my real childhood. Glimpses of my mom that I only half trust. Camping somewhere. A green birthday cake with people I hardly recall. My parents died when I was five. There was a housefire and I was rescued by the fire department. My rescue made the paper and that’s the only reason I know what I do. I nearly asphyxiated from the smoke. Then due to shock, fire, or losing my family—I don’t know—but I couldn’t remember anything when I first woke up. I was nonverbal for weeks, or so I’ve been told. My memories are fuzzy from the first year or two after, and almost nonexistent for the events before. No other family came to claim me or provide information. I spent a few weeks in the hospital, then went into foster care. I found those details from the paper years later in a library archive. The house I was found at was vacant, but three bodies were found. Two women and a man. No other identifying information on them was ever discovered.”

  I watched as Lana’s eyes widened, filled with concern. I looked away towards the burning logs, chuckling darkly. “I don’t even know my real name.”

  “Wait, what?” Lana said, this new fact somehow a larger surprise than magic had seemingly been.

  “Yeah, some exhausted firemen accidentally put the fire department’s designation as my name on the hospital form and it stuck. Cal Fire, for the California Fire department who rescued me. They found me in August so that became my last name in the hospital records. Cal Fire August.”

  “I’m so sorry,” Lana whispered. I could tell she understood. I could see it in her eyes and bearing, I didn’t have anyone else, just like her. We’d both lost people before their time and could relate in ways that others could not. I likely had it easier, I hadn’t known the difference and had no real memories of my family, she did.

  “The paper hypothesized drugs were involved and a fire had gotten out of control. I became a ward of the state. Foster care was as you would expect, especially since electronics had the tendency to break when I was around, and weird things can occur around wizards when their powers awaken, especially at a young age.”

  Lana shook her head as if trying to clear her mind of all the horrible details. “Did you know that something was different about you?”

  “I didn’t realize it was magic,” I continued. “Not for a long time. I didn’t have conscious control of what I did at the time. I know I accidentally willed at least two fires into existence in my pre-teens. I’m pretty sure I screwed up the foundation on one house when I was mad. With things like that happening, I was in and out of counseling and police departments as well as families. Fire starting is a big red flag for a lot of criminal tendencies and that made people hesitant to foster me as I grew older, those who did eventually all backed out.”

  A slight breeze built and billowed around us. It had enough force to chill my face despite the fire before us. Lana let go of my hand, reached to the side of her chair to grab another log and plopped it onto the large bed of coals.

  “Then Clair found me and told me what I was,” My gut clenched, and I debated sharing my next thought, but this was Lana, I had to tell her the truth. “Ever since I learned about magic and that I have an affinity for fire, I worry that I created the fire that killed my parents... Even to this day I don’t know, and probably never will.” I said the last in a rush, I felt a hot tear slide down my face. The growing fire blurred before my eyes.

  “You can’t blame yourself! You were only five.” Lana said, eyes trying to bore into mine, but I couldn’t meet them.

  “I know,” I said, gaining composure again, squeezing her hand. “But my powers were awakened early, and I still don’t know why they did. It’s a mystery I can’t solve. Usually, the event that awakens a wizard’s power is seared into their memory. If I could only remember, I might find out that I do have family, but without more details nothing will ever come of it.”

  Lana could sense my mood and changed the topic to something I did know, “Was your time with Clair bad? You mentioned injuries, but I don’t sense any bitterness from you towards her?”

  “My whole life changed when I met her. As hard as training was, she made me into who I am today.” I said, my voice regaining its normal strength. “The parts of my life that didn’t make sense suddenly did. She provided stability and had the expectations of me that held the frayed strands of my life together long enough—in her own way—that I could thrive.”

  I swallowed, wetting my throat and eager to jump into a new topic that wasn’t as difficult for me to explain. “She saw me somewhere and felt my uncontrolled aura and knew I was a wizard. She never elaborated on the where. It was probably the grocery store, since that was about the only place she left her ranch to go to. I was with a foster family at the time but that fell apart. Lucky for me, she found my agent in the system who informed her I was trouble and would likely need a new foster parent soon if she had any interest. She did, and went through the steps to not only foster but adopt me. Believe me, for her that was an amazing amount of effort and trouble. She was a recluse and hated bureaucratic paperwork.”

  “Sounds like a little miracle.”

  I nodded, “She was a fully trained wizard and taught me until I could stand on my own two feet. I’m glad she found me rather than someone or something else…”

  “Something else?”

  “Many entities would love to corrupt a wizard for their own uses. I’m loosely a part of a group that tries to stop it, but we can’t save everyone,” I shivered and we sat in silence for a long time.

  “What was Clair like?” Lana asked. Her face a picture of compassion.

  It made me uncomfortable. I hated others feeling bad for me and my lot in life. The past was far behind me, and I’d built a life I loved. I’d prove to Lana I was more than a sob story.

  I considered omitting details about Clair that would amount to me telling half-truths to Lana, but if Fren ever found out he would correct the story and I didn’t want to lie to Lana, not ever. “Honestly? She is focused, dedicated to structure, and wise, but personally she was cold. She doesn’t seem to enjoy conversation, company, or heaven forbid touch. To this day I’m surprised she did what she did, but I’m thankful for it. Despite other ways I might wish my younger years had gone, I could have done worse. Clair gave me stability and a home. I had consistent schooling, meals, and a little money for the things I needed. I had the space to make friends. I was nearly sixteen when she took me on, and I learned quickly. We trained every day, and I got strong doing the farm work. I was able to pass the Tribunal testing and prove I was worthy of the mantle of wizard at twenty, which is no small feat. I can tell you more about that some other time, that part gets a little more complicated.”

  “That sounds better than I was imagining, she’s old school and it wasn’t easy, but it sounds like she did right by you. Are you still in contact?”

  I cringed at the opening to discuss one of my worries, one which Lana deserved to know about. I had been the one to suggest we talk, and exchange truths before our relationship became anything more. Cuddled in our chairs close to the fire I almost regretted that decision. But Lana needed to know all of it, everything I could so she could make and informed choice going forward. “Clair is very old school. She’s at least two or maybe even three hundred years old. She never specifically told me and I never asked. But there were clues. I intuited early on in my training that it is impolite to ask a wizard’s age, and she wouldn’t have answered if I did, At least, I don’t think she would have. She’s lost people and faced things I can’t imagine. She knows history in a personal way. I figure her response to trauma and losing people grew into agoraphobia and indifference to others around her. I think it helped her heal, having me there. I don’t know how many decades she lived alone.”

  To my surprise, Lana didn’t immediately jump on the detail of wizards living unnaturally long lives, but her next question was quick enough I wondered if it was to keep me talking while she thought on it. “Did you have many friends?”

  “Yes and no,” I sighed. “When I was younger yes, but I moved so often and was generally in trouble, so I wasn’t the kid invited over to birthday parties or that kind of thing. At Clair’s I was finally in a stable place long enough to meet people, and I gained control over my powers and could have ‘normal’ friendships,” I said, letting go of Lana’s hand for a moment to do air quotes around the word normal.

  “At least a few of them. Chloe was my closest friend, until we started dating and I told her the truth,” I let out a bitter laugh, “I liked her for years and finally got courageous enough to ask her out. A month later I told her the truth and she was gone, she—”

  “Wait, was Chloe your first girlfriend?”

  I nodded, sheepishly, “Yeah, so?”

  “Your like, new to all this then,” Lana said, snuggling in next to me, our shoulders touching, then to my surprise she rested her head on my shoulder, taking the sting from her words. “It’s so cute.”

  “I’m a wizard… I’m not supposed to be cute,” I mumbled.

  “Your high school crush dumped you and you haven’t dated since then.”

  “I’ve dated, just nothing… lasting.”

  “Oh yeah? How many girls then?”

  “—I’ve been busy. Training, increasing my control and taking out creatures like whatever’s out in the woods,” I said, annoyed at the rise she was getting out of me.

  Lana smiled and kissed me on the cheek.

  My heart did something stupid at the gesture.

  “I could just ask Fren,” Lana said coyly, but her eyes were predatory, “I’m sure he wouldn’t hold back.”

  “No, he wouldn’t,” I said with a groan, realizing she’d won. “Fine. I have like, zero, experience with woman. Happy?”

  “I am,” Lana said, eyes looking deeply into mine with her impish grin. “We are going to have so much fun.”

  We both fell quiet, enjoying the moment, deep in our own thoughts as the fire burned. I had no idea what time it was as the logs broke down into gleaming coals, but I was more content than I had been in a long time. I think Lana was too. Our friendship was new, but it showed promise.

  The night continued to grow colder outside, but it wasn’t unbearable, and inside I felt like my chest was on fire. Our chairs were pushed as closely together as they could, Lana sitting as near as she could get in her own chair. I took that as a good sign, but I knew my track record with that wasn’t the best.

  The cold air kept me alert and awake. I held Lana close under one arm, she was warm, and her hair smelled amazing, soft vanilla, and an herbal blend. I turned and kissed her. She was more than eager to return the affection. The kiss grew into two, and I reached out with my other arm to pull her closer. Unfortunately, something bumped my wounded side which made me hiss and pull back. The mood broken in an instant.

  “I’m fine,” I complained.

  “Like hell you are. It’s okay.” She said with a little breathless laugh.

  I grumbled something incomprehensible.

  “You’re a good kisser,” she said.

  “I’ve had some practice,” I said, in a mock annoyed tone.

  “I’ve had a little too. You’re still good.”

  Her lips had been amazing. My heartrate was way up and my eyes, lips, and… everything thirsted for more. “You’re amazing,” I sighed. “But I need a moment to focus my will if we don’t want to fry all the electronics in the neighborhood.”

  Lana’s smile turned devilish in the waning light. She was definitely excited by the fact she could see how much I lost my focus around her.

  “By all means,” she said. “I’ll go get food inside and be right back. I’m sure you’re starving and it should be more than done right now.”

  She left and I watched her walk away, admiring her figure. She was literally my dreams incarnate—well my good dreams. Still, it somehow didn’t feel like this could be possible for me. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, for everything to spiral out of control and go wrong like it always had before. My business was growing in leaps and bounds, my love life actually existed and on top of that Fren couldn’t pester me about it for a full month. I was motivated like I hadn’t been in years. I had a thousand short-term goals to work towards including artificery projects, crafting, spells I wanted to perfect, magical research to do, not to mention physical and mental training and cultivation to shore up my abilities.

  But I was also being hunted.

  I had a literal daemon stalking my dreams and a creature of the woods capable of murder thirsting for my blood. Seekers were in town, and my shop was in shambles. The FBI might still be looking into me. I didn’t know how I could be so excited and happy at the same time everything was so bleak.

  I sighed, thinking of Lana as I focused on my aura. I really needed to be ready when she came back. I heightened my control of my aura, folding it in tighter which reduced its effects on external things at a distance but increased it on those nearby. It also served to increase my perception for the environment around me. It was sort of like zooming in on a camera, like those I’d toyed around with when I’d been able to use one for more than a minute before it broke. Auras were an extra sense all wizards possessed. I focused on what I could feel with my aura, training my senses and controlling my power. I perceived Lana above in her house, heard the clink and muffled noises more clearly as she moved items on the countertop inside. Even closer to me I could feel things, I felt the life energy of a small group of birds a dozen feet away, silent in a nearby tree. I couldn’t tell you how many there were, or what Lana was doing exactly, but nonetheless there was an awareness of beings nearby.

  I also sensed something else, deeper in the yard. Something that didn’t belong.