Chapter 6

  After a long while, Ruth eventually managed to fall asleep. That was all I needed to see, to know that she was out of danger. I gently settled her down on the bed, as I pulled one of the blankets over her. I felt so relieved, as I watched her sleep.

  I looked at Zoe to see what she thought, and I saw that she had ended up playing on her phone. I couldn't blame her, as I had no idea how long we just sat there crying. She must surely have gotten bored, after realising that we were alright. She looked up at me with hopeful eyes, and I nodded back to her… she smiled back at me victoriously. She took off the headphones and stood up, stretching her arms and legs.

  I whispered to her, “Let’s talk outside, Ruth desperately needs sleep…”

  She nodded, “Very well.”

  We quietly left the room, closing the door behind us.

  The nurse looked at me with an impressed look, “Andrew… How did you manage to get through to her?”

  I looked away sadly, “I think I was the only one who had any hope of reaching her…”

  She smiled, “Well… thank you. Even just sitting in the room with her was making me feel sad. I hope she manages to find hope.”

  I looked at Oliver, “She will. She's sleeping now, and that tells me that the trauma isn’t in the front of her mind…”

  Zoe nodded, “I got a read on her… She's badly depressed now, but I thankfully felt no suicidal vibes from her.”

  I breathed out, “Oh thank God… That was so much.”

  Oliver looked at me impressed, “You did it… You saved her, Andrew! I was listening to it all and I’m telling you… I wouldn’t have succeeded if it were me in there instead.”

  I stood there for a moment in deep thought, “When she's released, I think she should stay at our place…”

  He nodded, “That will likely be tonight then. As a qualified psychologist, I can clear her in good conscience after having watched this all unfold.”

  The nurse nodded in agreement, “Yes, I can vouch for her mental state as well.”

  I nodded as I looked at the door, “Good… I just think… the last thing she needs right now is to go back to an empty apartment alone, ok?”

  Oliver raised his hands in surrender, “Alright, Andrew… I’m in complete agreement mate.”

  I looked at the nurse, “Thank you for allowing me to visit. I needed to see her, she’s my friend you see…”

  She nodded, “Of course dear. I should be the one thanking you… She looked so empty.”

  *

  The nurse said goodbye and went back in, closing the door behind her. I nodded at the other two and we began walking back out of the psych wards. As we were coming out the security door, I saw that Ashley was sound asleep, as she leaned her head on Michael’s shoulder. Michael was sitting on the chair looking at his phone.

  He looked up at me with intense concern when we came through the door, “... Success?”

  I breathed out tiredly, “Success...”

  He gently moved Ashley so that he could stand up and he immediately walked up to me and hugged me.

  He spoke gently, “I can see in your eyes… it took a toll. It’s been many days since I last saw that hopeless look in your eyes…”

  I nodded, “Yeah… I almost fell. Michael, when she's discharged later today, can I count on you to please drive her to my apartment?”

  He let go of me, “Of course, order received. AI will let me know when to pick her up. Am I to give her a choice?”

  I knew AI was listening, “AI… I know you respect choice and freedom, but I think it would be in her best interest if she wasn’t given the choice to be alone… The decision is yours to make though.”

  AI spoke through Oliver's tablet, “She may be taken to your apartment, but if she then decides to go home, Michael will take her home. I will ensure you are there when she arrives.”

  I nodded, “Ok… That’s fair, thank you, AI.”

  I looked at Ashley sleeping on the chair, “How long did she last?”

  Michael chuckled, “The second she sat down, she was out.”

  I nodded, “I figured as much. I’m honestly happy to see her not in pain. Everyone needs a good bit of rest to heal and recover.”

  Oliver chuckled, “Her audacity though… to speak as though she was feeling true pain, in your presence…”

  I looked at Oliver disappointedly, “I’m not competing with her over how much pain we feel. I would prefer it if both of us felt no pain at all.”

  He shrugged, “Of course. That being said though… very cheeky.”

  Michael nudged me, “Now what?”

  I folded my arms as I stared at the floor. I just felt so tired… and so sad. Even though I didn’t fall… I felt down and a little hopeless. I needed to either rest or find a way to cheer up.

  I stared into the distance, “I’m tired guys… I’m just really tired. I don’t care what we do, as long as it doesn’t require a lot of attention or empathy.”

  Oliver put his hand on my shoulder, gently rubbing it, “After what you just went through, I'm not surprised. Let’s go to the cafe. You can sit where you normally do, and we can just chill.”

  I pulled out my phone to look at the time, it was 10:05 AM, “Yeah, then I can catch people at lunch… Sounds good to me.”

  I looked at Ashley, “Michael… Would you please gently carry Ashley to the car for me?”

  He smiled, “Of course. I’ll have to be very slow and gentle. If I lift her too quickly, it might catch her shoulder. So be patient with me.”

  I stared at her, deep in thought, “Some things deserve as much time as they need…”

  Michael slowly crouched down to pick up Ashley. He was very careful to take into consideration her shoulder and head. He managed to slowly lift her up so that her head was resting on his chest and his arm was keeping her shoulder straight. It was impressive watching him move so considerately. For a goliath of a man, he had excellent control of his body.

  He led the way as he very slowly and gently walked through the passageways, out of the building and back to the car. I opened the back door for Michael and watched as he very slowly and gently placed Ashley on the seat. She was still in a deep sleep, and I reckoned he could have not bothered that much, and she still would have slept.

  *

  I climbed in the front, Oliver and Zoe climbed in the back. I sat there in silence as I looked at the others talking to each other. I felt a wave of frustration as I saw them smile and laugh. There I sat with headphones on… alone.

  As we drove to the HQ, my mind started to wonder about my fear of horns. If I had mentally improved to the point where I no longer wanted to die, and my pain was lower than it had ever been before… Surely horns wouldn't cause panic attacks anymore... I just felt so frustrated and impatient… I wanted to take the damned things off. I was tired of being so fragile that I had to sit in silence alone.

  We arrived at the HQ and Michael stopped us at the drop off. I got out and watched as Michael gently took Ashley out of the car. He walked through the entrance with Zoe and Oliver behind him. They assumed I was behind them… but I wasn’t.

  I stood outside of the car, just looking at it. An agent had just climbed into the car when I walked around to the driver's side. The door was still open, and the engine was running.

  In one quick movement, I took off my headphones and reached into the car, slamming my fist on the horn. The car made a booming sound, far louder than I had expected. I should have expected a large SUV to have a louder horn.

  I held my fist down for at least three seconds before I stopped and took my fist off. I felt lightning across my body and my hands began shaking… I had flashbacks in my mind of the electrocution… Yet I still found myself standing there… in control.

  The agent panicked as he braced himself to help me, as though I was going to collapse. No doubt AI had instantly given him instructions on his monitor. He looked at me with grave concern before he relaxed a little.

  My hands finally stopped shaking as I got the images out of my mind. The feeling of electricity had already left me and all that was left was a deep feeling of stress. I played around with my hands, arms, legs and feet to ensure that I was in fact in control of myself still.

  A case of content theft: this narrative is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.

  I looked at the agent, “Sorry mate. I’ll ensure AI doesn’t punish you. I did this suddenly and you are not to be blamed.”

  He stared at me in surprise, “You had me there… I was genuinely worried you were about to panic… So, it no longer causes you to lose control? Good to know, mate.”

  I nodded, “Yeah... I don’t need these anymore.”

  I tossed the headphones onto the passenger seat.

  AI spoke through the car's speakers, “Andrew, what you just did was extremely reckless and entirely selfish. There were many safer and gentler ways for you to measure your immunity to the trigger. What you just did was like running across a motorway to see if you would get hit by a car…”

  I raised my voice into the car, “I figured that if this big car doesn’t trigger it, then nothing will. I have faith in myself and trust in my own control. I regret nothing.”

  AI didn’t say anything else. I patted the agent on his shoulder and shut the door. I felt I was long past the need to treat myself so fragile. I walked past people who were standing still, looking at me. They also expected the worst and were surprised to see me shaken up but fine.

  As I entered the foyer, I saw all the members who were trying to enter the cafe hall, staring at me with mixed faces. Some were smiling and some looked very worried. I saw Gillian looking at me with intense interest. Her arms were folded as she stood still, seemingly measuring me.

  I walked past her and through the crowd into the cafe. I could talk about it with everyone else, after I sat down and relaxed. I arrived at my usual seat to see Michael sitting next to me and next to him, Ashley had her head buried in her folded arms. I took a seat and waited for my punishment.

  *

  Oliver started, “You fucking prick!”

  I turned to look at him, “Yeah, but I needed to know...”

  He shook his head in anger, “After what happened last time, I can’t believe you spat on us all like that! Grow up!”

  I nodded, “Yeah… It’s done now though. Now we know that I no longer have panic attacks when I hear car horns.”

  Oliver looked at the counter in hurt and anger. I realised how I had completely ruined his mood with my impulsive test…

  I tried to apologise, “Oliver… I’m sorry, mate. I was just so damn tired of being the odd one out in the car. Sitting there in silence while everyone else could talk and laugh…”

  He looked at me, “We did that because we care, Andrew! We never thought of you as some fragile snowflake in the car! We did that because we respect you immensely…”

  I looked at the counter, “Today it stopped feeling like that for me though. In the car, I felt alone and isolated. I want to be normal, Oliver.”

  He looked away, “You don’t know how hard it was last time for me… You have no idea how terrified I was that your heart would be permanently damaged! How about next time you feel sad, you talk to us first!”

  I saw a single tear dripped down his face. There was no doubt that I screwed up big time with him. I felt terrible as his words echoed in my head. I really should have tested it in a safer manner…

  I felt horrible, “I’m so sorry... please forgive me. I won’t do something like this again, that’s a promise.”

  He turned to me, “It’s a good thing I know how seriously you take your promises…”

  I nodded, “Deadly seriously… Oliver, smile for me, would you? I no longer panic, mate…”

  He shook his head before a weak smile showed, “You bastard… I hate it when you do that.”

  Heartly gestured to me to come a bit closer to him. I leaned closer to him to hear what he wanted to say. Instead, he punched me really hard on my shoulder, I fell off the chair and slammed my back against the floor.

  I quickly stood up as I rubbed my shoulder. It actually hurt a lot… That was definitely going to leave a bruise. I looked at Heartly, slightly frustrated.

  He looked at me with a face that showed he was taking no shit from me, “That’s for Oliver.”

  I looked at Oliver who was staring at me with an emotionless face, “Yeah… I deserved that.”

  Heartly spoke firmly, “You never wrong your mates like that, ever… You hear me boy?”

  I nodded, “Yes sir. It won’t happen again.”

  He stared at me for a long moment, “Good, then we shall speak no more about it.”

  I climbed back on the chair, still rubbing my shoulder. Michael looked at me with deep disappointment.

  He shook his head, “Not good Andrew… not good.”

  I nodded, “I know… Worst decision I've made in a while now.”

  Aisling and Nadia quickly came walking over to us.

  Aisling looked at me, “Gentlemen, is there a problem here? I could have sworn I just saw a physical attack happen in my building… A building that I promised members would feel safe inside of?”

  Heartly was about to explain when I spoke up, “I got precisely what I deserved, Aisling. Heartly was doing everyone a favour…”

  Nadia looked at me, “What? What happened?”

  I explained what I did and why, after which Nadia and Aisling had their own nasty look aimed at me.

  Nadia spoke through her teeth, “Right, no problem then. I’m satisfied.”

  Aisling shook her head, “Goddamn it, Andrew. I hope it really hurts.”

  *

  They stood there staring daggers at me for a long moment, before Aisling remembered that she wanted to talk about something.

  She breathed in deeply to regain her focus, “Andrew… How did it go with our friend?”

  I nodded, “I managed to find success…”

  She smiled gloriously, “I knew you would… You look strained from it though, and I'm not talking about the punch.”

  I looked at the counter, “It was… Almost too much for me to handle. Oliver saved me when I nearly drowned… All I need now is to rest and relax.”

  Zoe chuckled, “Sure, after you blow a car horn trying to trigger a panic attack, of course…”

  I didn’t respond to Zoe’s sarcasm. I definitely wasn’t thinking properly when I did that. Either way, it was done, and I pissed everyone off in doing so… So, there was no need to dwell any more on my pathetic mistake.

  Nadia spoke, “For our friend to be so negatively affected… Was the aftermath really that bad?”

  Michael answered, “Yes it really was, Nadia. I'm so tempted to show you photographs… But all that would do is shock you into depression. Trust us when we say… You don’t want to see that.”

  She looked at the floor, “Aisling and I will have to apologise to her in person. We failed her… and we must take responsibility.”

  Aisling nodded, “Agreed. I know AI assigned it and she did it in the correct order with the correct intentions… We still failed her though. This leadership shares its responsibility.”

  AI nodded on her tablet, “I am doing everything I can to make up for my failure.”

  I shook my head, “It wasn’t your fault… It was mine.”

  Oliver spoke up, “No it wasn’t! I heard what she said, and I understood how she felt… But Andrew, it’s not your fault that she tried to be tough like you! You’re an inspiration to everyone in this building… The last thing we need is you regretting your own success.”

  I turned to him sadly, “I was the image in her mind, the thought that inspired her to push too hard! How can I ignore that?”

  Aisling smiled, “We will do everything in our power to help her. In your case though, Andrew… You are an incredible person, and we won’t be having you doubt yourself. I beg of you… Don’t take to heart whatever she said to you.”

  I looked at the counter, “Well hopefully we can all talk about this tonight… with her.”

  Aisling hesitated, “Andrew… I don’t think she should be around when you and Oliver do your therapy…”

  I turned to face Aisling, “After all she went through, do you seriously think she's so weak that she can’t handle us talking about my problems? Do you have any idea of the nightmare she went through?”

  She took a step back with her hands slightly raised, “Ok… fair point.”

  *

  Ashley growled, “Can you shut up, I'm trying to sleep here!”

  Everyone quickly looked at her. She was sitting up with her head facing the ceiling and her eyes shut.

  I laughed, “Good of you to bless us with your presence, Ash.”

  She opened her eyes and stared at me, “You just laughed… Andrew, when did you start laughing?”

  I looked at her sadly, “Last week.”

  She rubbed her eyes, “I appear to have missed a lot in the last week…”

  Aisling chuckled, “Why on earth were you sleeping anyway? Did you not get enough sleep in the hospital?”

  Ashley shook her head, “Our local druggy Andy shared with me one of his pills… And holy shit, it fucking kicks!”

  AI spoke firmly, “Swear that flippantly again and you will be banned from this building for a week, Ashley.”

  Ashley looked at the tablet in irritation, “Ok mom, I’ll be home before dark and try not to talk to the big bad men on the street…”

  AI looked unimpressed, “One more word, Ashley…”

  Luckily, Ashley was not silly. She smiled her wicked smile as she shut her mouth. I found myself laughing again… It was a pretty cheeky response. Michael also had a good laugh over it, as he wrapped his arm around her gently. It was good to have Ashley back with us, I missed her so much...

  I looked at Ashley, “Tonight I’ll get you up to date, Ashley.”

  She nodded, “Good, there is clearly much I don’t know.”

  I nodded as a plate of steak and potatoes landed in front of me. Ah yes, how could I have forgotten about food? I started eating when I heard some footsteps behind me. I turned around to see who it was... It was Gillian.

  *

  I quickly waved at her, “Hi, Gillian. How’s the warehouse gig going?”

  She smiled, “Actually, it’s very easy. I don’t think I’ll struggle with that job at all.”

  I nodded, “Excellent, like I said, you definitely have your lights turned on upstairs.”

  She stood next to me, “What was that horn business about?”

  I shook my head, “I… learned that I no longer panic to car horns… Just, I learned it in a pretty disrespectful way.”

  She tilted her head sideways, “I doubt the car was offended…”

  I chuckled, “No, not the car, my friends! If my impulsive test failed… It doesn’t matter, I've learned my lesson and now I'm moving on.”

  She chuckled, “It’s interesting that you allow your mates to control you like this.”

  I looked at her for a long moment, “Is it? Do you not trust your own friends to try to steer you the right way?”

  She stared at me and never responded. It was kind of awkward… So, I just went back to eating.

  She finally answered quietly, “I don’t have any friends.”

  I looked back at her and nodded, “I didn’t either before now. I was always alone, being the only one watching my back and all that…”

  She nodded, “I am the only one I truly trust to understand and protect myself.”

  I nodded, “Understandable. There is strength in having friends though. We all have weaknesses and only a friend can protect us from those.”

  She looked at me intensely for a long moment, “I make sure that none of my enemies ever get a chance to strike at my weaknesses.”

  I chuckled, “Power and control can only last for so long. One day you will need to trust someone else… You’ll need to put your faith in them. We’re all Humans at the end of the day, we can’t stand alone forever.”

  She smiled, “Maybe in time… we can become friends?”

  I nodded energetically, “Absolutely, Gillian. I feel like we have a lot in common, you know?”

  She laughed, “More than you might realise and less than I had hoped.”

  I shrugged, “Sometimes opposites attract, and enemies make the best of friends. If you look around, you’ll see my closest friends are all entirely different from myself… That’s precisely what makes them all so precious to me. They complete me in ways I could never hope to be alone.”

  She nodded, “I see. Then what would you give me, as a friend?”

  I looked at her strangely, “That’s a strange way to put it. It’s not a trade. It’s more like… perks, you know?”

  She nodded slightly impatiently, “Ok, but what perk would you have for me?”

  I thought about it for a moment, “Hmm… Perhaps perspective? I have a unique way of seeing hardships, based on my own life. Perhaps I could help you overcome a personal obstacle that’s been holding you back?”

  Michael laughed, “Absolutely, I couldn’t agree more. Andrews definitely got a valuable view on things.”

  Oliver nodded, “True. I suppose him being a dreamer and-”

  AI interrupted him, “Stop, be quiet!”

  We all went quiet as we looked at AI’s tablet in surprise. She was staring at Gillian with a neutral face and Gillian stared back at her.

  I broke the silence, “AI… Oliver is my friend… I don’t take kindly to you rudely silencing him that way.”

  Gillian turned around and slowly started walking away, “I need to go now. I hope I get to speak with you again someday.”

  I turned to face her, “Wait… I offered my hand of friendship… Will you accept it?”

  She stopped and turned to face me, “Of course. Having you as a friend would be the greatest of honours.”

  I gave her a thumbs up, “So be it… then consider me a friend, Gillian.”

  She smiled and continued walking as she left the cafe hall.

  I turned to look at AI, “That was very rude my friend. Care to explain?”

  AI looked at me with an emotionless face, “Andrew, you will look at this photo of the Prime Minister immediately.”

  I slowly leaned closer, “Right, it had better damn well answer your rude tone then…”

  A photograph appeared on the tablet of the Prime Minister. She was standing at the centre of the house of parliament, with a wicked grin on her face. She was actually sort of young, with long blonde hair and a fringe that covered most of… her left eye. I instantly realised that I was looking at Gillian with a different hair colour.

  I leaned back, “Oh…”

  Zoe walked up to me, “So, what do you think of our honourable Prime Minister?”