Turning right yet again… Oh my god. I’m finally out! “HOLY FUCK, I’M FINALLY OUT!!!”

  Sprawling before me is both more and less than I’d hoped. It’s not a city. It’s a palace. Just a really big one with A LOT of keeps. So not as many buildings as I thought. But holy fucking shit the one that’s there is goddamned gigantic!

  Not sure how long that maze took, but it had to be at least a week. I just hope there weren’t too many more right turns than left ones. The whole point of my turn-right-forever strategy is that people who design mazes like to pull one over on the turn-left-forever people by making them go left around more than half the turns that exist.

  Even if not, I definitely could’ve gotten it done objectively faster. But activating and deactivating my Movement Blessing with pinpoint precision every few hundred yards actually took more subjective time than just walking. So I’ve just been walking. I started out running after I gave up on zipping. But I gave that up too when I got tired and I still had no idea how far I had to go.

  Instead I went to sleep. And I’ve been walking since then, give or take seven or eight sleep breaks. That’s my only real measure of time down here. I mean I know it’s the tenth day of Calypso. But I wasn’t exactly paying attention to when I entered, and the first time I bothered checking the date was just now when I reminded myself, so…

  Strolling up to the giant structure while whipping out my brightblade, I cut a cone of what really does feel like pure gold from the nearest patch of wall and try to add it to my inventory.

  I can’t.

  Not willing to give up on the dream quite yet, I look for a Skill that’ll let me add non-Item raw materials to my inventory. I don’t have any spare Skill points, but maybe I can grind for a bit and instantly beat that Path Quest at the very least.

  But there’s no such Skill in my list.

  I turn off my filters.

  Still nothing.

  Fuck… Wait a minute…

  In a panic, I run back into the maze and stab the wall.

  My sword bounces away with the same red energy as with the lava. Oh thank god. After my other sword didn’t do anything but almost bury me along with several corridors like a sentient tidal wave, I was traumatized into giving up on harming the maze itself. If it turned out I could’ve just cut through it like any environmental thing… But it’s okay. That wasn’t even an option. Nearly gave me a heart attack…

  I do still dart back out of the maze in case it starts re-locking or moving on its own or some bullshit.

  Speaking of bullshit, this whole palace has just the one entrance. The reactive red nono-zone is exclusive to the maze, so I can go fully above the roof, and even to the shining crystal ceiling. Turns out, I can’t add that to my inventory either.

  Although I do spot what seems to be a hole that leads up and out of this place. I think. There’s daylight shining through, but I don’t want to risk going up there in case it teleports me back to that elevator or whatever. At least it’s good to know I have a possible escape option other than suicide. Because I am NOT going back through the maze. XP Debt be damned, I’d rather just die.

  Anyway, there’s not so much as a balcony or even another door leading inside the whole golden compound. Nor can I cut, melt, or even smash in the damn roof with falling crystals. I mean I can dent it and gouge bits and pieces out. But no matter how much I burrow, it never amounts to anything more than superficial damage before it all regenerates like I was never even there.

  Thus, about an hour after exiting the maze, I stop faffing about and finally enter the only place there is to go.

  The palace’s entry hall is damn beautiful. The decoration is done in a style that you could call ‘minimalist’ if not for the walls, ceiling and floor made all of pure gold. Minus the red carpet and light fixtures, that’s all there is. What there isn’t, is any monsters. So I move on. And on. There isn’t a damn thing in the whole place until I run into still not that.

  Another yellow barrier separates ostentatious golden nonsense from those weird hieroglyphs again, and a darkened corridor that I really should be able to see. Look, I’m not saying it’s unfair I can’t access True Ruins or anything. It’s just frustrating that I can’t see in there when the lighting all around really implies I should.

  I throw a crystal I cut into the yellow barrier.

  It doesn’t work. Not that I expected it to. That’s just the only thing I could think of that I hadn’t already tried.

  Shrugging, I move on, strolling through room after room, each simultaneously more and less ostentatious than the last.

  But then I see them. Three golden treasure chests. All identical, each giving me the weirdest flashback. But there’s no way that’s what this is. Still, just in case, I start with the one on the far right.

  Reaching out to open it, several things happen at once.

  As soon as I touch it, I get a notification.

  [ ESCAPE TO OPEN ]

  At the same time, both other chests disappear as an honest-to-god grim reaper materializes in the room. It’s massive. And buff. And its proportions are all over the place, even considering how they’re covered by a tattered, many-layered cloak. Especially the bulbous head completely hidden under a hood that just looks… Wrong somehow.

  I try to add the chest to my Inventory and target Death.

  When neither of those things work, I drop the chest and grab both swords, whipping off their sheathes in a smooth motion.

  At least the last week of maze-running introspective boredom made me realize something. The truth. The words were in my heart the whole time. In my head too. Nearly on my lips, only kept away by the sheer weeb cringe of yelling phonetic Japanese at the top of my lungs. It’s embarrassing. And uncomfortable. And all the more intense when you really, truly mean it.

  “ONI!!!”

  The story has been taken without consent; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.

  [ INTENSITY: 449% ]

  “FUCKING!!!”

  [ INTENSITY: 1,383% ]

  “GIRI!!!”

  [ INTENSITY: 895% ]

  My best combo. All my damage potential, perfectly compounded and laser focused. Well, not exactly ‘perfect’. My swords do penetrate entirely through the thing, lava, lightning, and all. And they resheathe themselves in the housings that never even touched the ground after I tossed them in the first place. It just doesn’t do any damage. Neither lava nor lightning nor steel nor any of it does a goddamn thing.

  And there’s a scythe coming straight for my neck.

  Reaching up and to the left, I pull the spinning white hilt as it falls, yanking it down to expose the blade. “ONI!!!”

  Scythe meets katana, and the instant it does… It passes right through, still coming for my neck.

  A chill runs up my spine as I reevaluate my chances of killing this thing. “GO!!!”

  Zipping back over to the treasure chest I dropped, I scoop it up and-“GO!!!”

  I notice the problem by the time my lightning form gets halfway to the room’s entrance. The chest didn’t come with me.

  Fuck. “Go!”

  Zipping back and scooping it up again from where it’s still dropping, I just run, ignoring the chill in the air.

  The reaper is following me the whole time. But I’m faster. A lot faster, actually. Once I get a few corridors between us, my heart starts to slow.

  But it speeds right up again when the goddamn thing phases through a wall not five feet away, scythe arm reeled back to slice me in half or kill me instantly or whatever its whole deal is.

  I keep running. And running. And before I know it, I’m outside. I already know what I’m supposed to do. The System or an Admin or whatever psychopath created this dungeon clearly expects me to have the maze memorized. If I could make my way back through the same way I came, I could get out the other side.

  Except I just turned right the whole way. The entire point of that strategy is not to learn anything about the maze itself. I could do the same again. But what happens when I reach the first dead end? I already know. Even if the stupid reaper can’t pass through the reactive red barrier walls, which is already wishful thinking, It’d corner me with its intangible bullshit the first time I hit a miles-long dead end. There are many of those in there…

  Grimacing at the maze, my gaze moves longingly upwards to the crystal ceiling. I can’t see the hole I spotted from this far down. But it’s up there. I know it is. Just like I know it’s my only hope. Even if it wasn’t pointless to try, there’s no way in hell I’m getting anywhere near a maze again this year. Like, how much time have I even lost recently? And after I just spent that week waiting for a Royalty-free monastery in the Joulelands?

  Treasure chest cradled under one arm, I get an idea. A stupid one if physics mattered. Luckily…

  I reel it down and back, under my legs, only to use all the inertia I can muster to TOSS the chest as far up as I can. Throwing isn’t exactly my repartee. But thanks to my 40 effective Physical Strength, I’m still better than any tosser to ever live on Earth.

  I slow my breathing until I see the exact top of its arc before-“GO!!!”

  Catching it in midair, I toss it up again. It doesn’t go as high this time without any ground to plant my feet on. Not that that’s about to stop me. “GO!!!”

  I keep going. Keep tossing. Keep inching my way closer to the miles-high crystal ceiling. I feel like there’s a way to do this with tethers. But for the life of me, I can’t think of how. Maybe if I attached one end to the treasure chest and another to the sword? Then I can just treat it like a fishing line and cast it upwards over and over again. Except I’ve never fished before. Not in real life. In RPGs, sure. But how the fuck is that supposed to translate to this?

  Death is there too, of course. Form looking even more weirdly bloated from above, it’s still coming after me. And much faster than before from the looks of it, but still over a mile down by the time I spot the hole.

  So I start going and throwing up there instead. And I go. And I throw. And I’m goddamned exhausted when finally, after the most anaerobic workout I’ve ever had, the treasure chest bounces off a red barrier between me and the maybe-real sky.

  Fuuuck… “Go.”

  Catching it just below where it was reflected, I immediately start to panic. I was really counting on this being an exit. If I can’t get out this way, I… I don’t even know.

  All in all, it takes me far too much subjective time to spot the tiny outcropping a couple tosses down. It’s more of a ledge than a platform, but there’s a swirling effect of some sort that looks almost, maybe, hopefully, like a portal.

  Looking further down, the reaper is closing in on the entrance to the hole, having gained on me way more than expected when I wasn’t looking. Which was always with how long it’s been since I glanced down for anything but the space between breaths. Still… Don’t gotta tell me twice.

  With a toss and a zip, I’m falling straight for the portal practically as soon as I caught the box after it bounced.

  Landing right on the sucker, my left leg buckles and my right leg breaks as I SLAM into the ground under the portal after what was, after all, a suicidally high fall.

  [ TRANSPORT IN: 16 SECONDS ]

  I can only sit there after that, crumpled like a wet doll. I don’t know what wetness does to a doll to affect its crumpliness. But that’s absolutely what I’m crumpled like. I mean thank god for my pain immunity. But still. Fuck.

  The seconds tick by as I sit in the swirling light show of what might as well be nothing. For my part, I just try to breathe. Every part of me is constantly screaming to hold my breath. It’s all I can manage not to obey. I can’t do anything here. Not to that elephantitis-ridden jerk with a scythe. Not anymore. Not even in the first place.

  It’s not just my legs that won’t move. I’m completely frozen. And cold. So cold that… Wait, I have Central Heating now. That’s impossible. Like it was back in the chamber… Oh fuck.

  Exactly as I was afraid of, the reaper’s head starts to rise between my legs.

  Then I’m inside of him.

  My HP starts to plummet.

  His dark scythe erupts with miasma as he holds it in a reverse grip, angling for my neck.

  With a jerk, he starts to cut himself in half at the waist.

  And just like that, I’m… In the maze. Fuck. I recognize this place. It’s a little area with a fountain I found at one of the dead ends. Actually… Am I in the middle of the maze? Oooh, I might be fucked after all.

  At least I still have the treasure chest in hand.

  Except then it evaporates.

  [ ITEMS GAINED: $65,536 FSD — LEGENDARY MATERIAL * 2: MINUTAUREAPER’S SHARD — LEGENDARY MATERIAL * 1: MINUTAUREAPER’S MANTLE — LEGENDARY MATERIAL * 1: MINUTAUREAPER’S HEARTGEM — LEGENDARY LIGHT ARMOR * 1: LEFT BOOT OF THE MINUTAUREAPER — LEGENDARY WEAPON * 1: MINUTAUREAPER’S KUSARIGAMA ]

  [ LEGENDARY CHAIR GAINED: GOLDEN LAZYBOY ]

  [ IS THIS A GOOD DUNGEON? ]

  HUH… Did I just make it kill itself? Is that what you’re supposed to do? More importantly… Did that shit just drop a guaranteed Legendary? Like, from every run? Shouldn’t I just be doing that over and over… To… Fuck. Legendaries are worth enough that it’s a valid strategy. And this guy even gets his own drops named after him, so that just skyrockets the collector’s value. Not like I have much else going on… Should I just stay? I could do that goddamn fucking maze over and over… And over…

  No. Absolutely fucking not. I’d rather rob a bank.

  Wait a second…

  Nah.

  Although…