Chapter 21 (2)

  At that time, I felt that life was too difficult and I didn't have the courage to live on, so I ran to the big river outside the town and jumped into the water. The main reason was that I was sure I couldn't swim, jumping in would definitely be fatal, and I could definitely succeed in killing myself. But if I knew how to swim, according to instinct, I would have to rescue myself immediately after attempting suicide, swimming ashore from the river on my own, thus failing to kill myself. At that time, I didn't know how to swim, and now I still don't.

  My fear of water seems to come from a distant place, how far away is unknown, mostly memories lost before the age of sixteen, perhaps also related to some painful childhood shadows, but that's no longer important.

  What's crucial is that the icy lake water rushed towards me, I instinctively opened my mouth to cry for help, and swallowed a few mouthfuls of water, coughing repeatedly but unable to spit it out, suffering unbearably.

  The scenery on the shore is blurry, and there is a rapid drumming sound in my ears. My body sinks more severely as I struggle, and it sinks even more severely if I don't struggle, making it difficult to decide whether to continue struggling or not.

  The lake water is also cold, and it's cold all the way into your bones.

  Someone hastily called my name, no time to distinguish who it was. I stretched out my hand to grab something, and in that instant, I suddenly heard Qin Mo's voice, echoing from the depths of the lake or the depths of my mind. He said: "Don't be afraid, I'm holding your waist, we won't sink down, don't be afraid, Luoluo."

  I think it's impossible not to be afraid, I haven't bought accidental insurance yet.

  When I was a sophomore, I read a paper that said people would review their entire life before they died, and the author provided various scientific evidence to prove this point of view, although most of the evidence and conclusions were illogical. However, from this perspective, it can be considered a qualified academic paper with Chinese characteristics... At that time, after reading this paper, my only thought was: Great, at least I will figure out who my father is and who I am before I die, and I won't leave the world in confusion under the name of Yan Song. However, on that afternoon when I thought I would drown, I couldn't recall anything from the past, but instead remembered things that I had been warning myself to forget, those sweet things related to Lin Qiao. Our friendship lasted a lifetime, and our lifetime was so short, our friendship was also so short.

  I saw that little girl wearing a pink Smurf short T-shirt and knee-length denim skirt, with her hair tied up in a high ponytail. Compared to being 16 years old, she was obviously taller than average, but despite this, the expression on her face completely wasted her height, it was so silly that it made people feel sorry for her. Next to her, the boy had a black shirt and light brown pants, with a face that could rival the last beautiful youth of the century, BeruBara Chou, wearing a pair of gold-rimmed glasses that looked expensive nowadays. The two of them walked shoulder to shoulder in a dimly lit corridor, just from appearances, they were actually quite a good match, not daring to say they were perfectly matched, at least they didn't clash. That was 16-year-old me and 16-year-old Lin Qiao. At that time, I still hadn't developed feelings for him, and Su Qi hadn't joined our study group yet, right, we were in the middle of a fight that day.

  Lin Qiao, a high school student, was coveted by many, but no one dared to make a move. On the one hand, they were afraid of being rejected and then killed by his fan club, which had a 90% success rate. On the other hand, they were intimidated by Lin Qiao's sharp tongue and icy demeanor, which was even colder than Iceland. According to legend, after Su Qi successfully rose to power, he received frequent anonymous threatening letters, including one with a dead mouse in a shoe box. However, despite being very close to Lin Qiao, I never saw even the corner of such a letter, making it a mystery that remains unsolved to this day.

  At first, he came to give me extra lessons, but it was actually a very painful experience. This person seemed harmless, but when he spoke, every sentence hurt, and directly hit the point, making people unable to turn over. For example: "It's not easy for you to make such a simple question so complicated, the key is that after going around in such a big circle, you still got it wrong, most people can't have such great skills." For example: "Did you leave your left brain at home today or did you bring your right brain? I shouldn't have misunderstood you all along, you actually don't have a brain?" Every sentence was so casual and effortless. But when he taught me questions, he was always very serious, even if after he finished explaining, I immediately repeated the same mistake, he wouldn't throw down his pen and walk away, at most he would sigh: "Are you deliberately doing it wrong to take revenge on me?" After sighing, he would continue to teach, from this point of view, he was actually a person with very good professional ethics.

  Later, we became very familiar with each other. When he was about to laugh and scold me by pressing his forehead, I would also dare to retort a few words, but I would always be immediately taken down without any room for negotiation. Everything was inferior to him, which was already heartbreaking. Not even being able to win an argument made it even more heartbreaking. At this time, he would take me to watch him play basketball and divert my attention.

  There's always a blue sky, the sun seems to be hanging on top of our heads forever, and the century-old trees that are about the same age as this old school collectively stretch their branches towards the sky, with leaves that are green like they've been painted. Underneath, cicadas cry out loudly without any guilt. Every time Lin Qiao shoots a basket, it gets the girls watching from outside excitedly screaming, and most of these girls don't even understand the basic rules of basketball. In other words, even if he suddenly throws the ball into his own basket, they would still be excitedly screaming - this is the star effect and fan loyalty. I stand outside with a towel and mineral water, watching him shine in the crowd, agile and swift in his movements, yet cold and casual in his eyes, possessing all the qualities of a campus celebrity. At that time, he had a habit, during halftime when replenishing fluids, he must drink the mineral water I drank from, just like how emperors in ancient times would have eunuchs taste their food before eating - if the eunuch didn't die, then they would eat. I once asked him what this was all about, and he immediately changed the subject. I'm the only girl who frequently interacts with him, strangely enough, there weren't any rumors about us.

  That night, Lin Qiao and I walked side by side in the corridor, I still remember that there were many stars, it was a midsummer night with a starry sky. Such nights are suitable for encounters, divination, secret meetings, and elopement, but we were ordered to go to the biology teaching and research office to fetch the human skeleton known as the "treasure of the room", which would be used by the biology teacher to help students review the structure of the human skeleton during the second half of the night self-study session. The mission was both solemn and proper, without a hint of romance. He was the English class representative and also served as the biology class representative, helping the biology teacher with tasks was his destiny, while I mainly sneaked out to buy ice cream but unfortunately got caught, and had no choice but to make up for it by doing this, in a sense, it could also be said that it was my destiny...

  The biology research room is located on the top floor of the oldest administrative building in the school, and this administrative building is so old that even cultural relics would be ashamed to see it. At night, it's gloomy and eerie, and except for the biology teacher himself, basically no one dares to enter or exit casually.

  Lin Qiao found out about Yan Lang's existence the day before, and his face turned green with rage for half a day. His eyes sank so deeply that they almost froze over, and from then on, he ignored me. I didn't think that giving birth to Yan Lang at 16 was unforgivable, even heaven tolerated it, what couldn't he tolerate? Thinking this way, I also ignored him.

  As I walked along the creaking wooden corridor, the dim light above made every echo audible, and the dark houses on both sides seemed to harbor mysterious things. My imagination ran wild, and the more I thought about it, the more terrifying it became. Every step I took made my heart skip a beat. If we weren't in the middle of a Cold War, I would have immediately retreated and let Lin Qiao move that skeleton alone while I waited downstairs. But under these circumstances, there was no turning back. A gust of wind blew through, and I shivered. Lin Qiao suddenly stopped and called out to me: "Yan Song." I turned around and looked at him with disdain, responding with a hum: "Huh?" He furrowed his brow and asked: "Who's the person following you from behind?" I was taken aback, and goosebumps quickly spread up my spine. Two seconds later, I let out a blood-curdling scream and flung myself at him. His voice was calm, but it sent shivers down my spine as he whispered in my ear: "The one with long hair and a white dress, do you know her?" I clutched his neck tightly, wishing I could hide behind the wall. The thought made me recall a detective movie I had watched a few days ago about a murder hidden in a closet, which sent chills down my spine. Finally, I burst into tears, clinging to him and wailing: "Don't scare me, Lin Qiao! Don't scare me!"

  I didn't expect my reaction to be so big, he was stunned for a long time, letting me cry for at least two minutes before raising his arm to gently pat my back and softly say: "I was just joking, don't cry, okay?" But I wasn't moved by this at all. He paused for a moment, then slowly added: "If you keep crying, who knows what might come over." As soon as he said this, the terrifying atmosphere reached its peak, my back went numb and I didn't dare to make a sound while crying, but was too scared to move, only able to lean on his shoulder and gasp for air. He patted my back to help me catch my breath, chuckling: "How can you be so easily scared?" But I had already been scared out of my wits, didn't dare go back to the biology office to get the skeleton, didn't dare stay there alone, and didn't dare walk back by myself. Lin Qiao was driven crazy by me, repeatedly assuring me that this is a materialistic world, the fundamental nature of the world is matter, he was just trying to scare me. But I immediately came up with a way to refute him, saying I believe in Buddhism, not Marxism... In the end, Lin Qiao finally lost his temper, reached out and grabbed me, dragging me to the biology office...

  His eyes, hidden behind his gold-rimmed glasses, revealed a hint of a smile. The previous awkwardness seemed to have vanished in an instant. He stretched out his hand, with slender fingers that had been shaped by years of playing the piano, and warm, dry palm. "Yan Song," he said, "I've got you now. You're not scared anymore, are you? There's nothing to be afraid of. I've got you."

  There's nothing to be afraid of, I've got you.

  The most miserable years of my life, when I felt that I couldn't go on living, how I wished someone could say this to me: "Don't be afraid, I'm holding onto you." But at that time, there was no one around me. My elderly grandmother and young Yang Lang both had to rely on me to hold onto them. Now I understand that everyone's life has to be lived by themselves, relying on others is an unhealthy mentality. Isn't there a saying: "Having someone help you is your good fortune, having no one help you is the fairness of fate." Heaven has actually been quite fair to me, I shouldn't dwell on it too much. It's just hard to imagine that carefree and innocent 16-year-old boy and girl would end up like this today, it's really unbelievable.

  My temples throbbed wave after wave, I felt myself no longer sinking, lying straight in a certain place, many people calling my name, Song Song, Song Song. It seemed as if from start to finish it was just that one voice, but what that voice called out was Luo Luo, Lei Lei, or Le Le?

  In a daze, a woman's voice said: "What's wrong with China Mobile? I can never get a signal." A man's voice said: "Take your phone and walk around, try making calls while walking. Maybe the spot you're standing on just happens to be where the signal doesn't cover?" The woman's voice said: "Wow, got it!" The man's voice said: "See? That's why they call it China Mobile, it's telling you that in China, if you want to make a good phone call, you have to move around while making the call." The woman's voice said: "Brother, you're too sarcastic." Then there were footsteps back and forth, and the woman's voice said again: "Mu Tou, hello? Mu Tou, today at noon brother personally cooked, I won't come, you go eat McDonald's by yourself... Don't come over, just made two people's worth of food, if you come over what will I eat? I'll find you this afternoon." The man's voice was very similar to Qin Mo, but much brighter.

  I'm actually quite annoyed by expressions like "the last scene in my consciousness", I always feel it's ominous, but that indeed was the last scene in my consciousness. Although this scene is a simple radio drama with no one in sight in the dark depths, the ending is a girl humming a song: "Look at the moon back then, look back at the moon back then."

  It stands to reason that I fell into the lake in front of Lin Qiao and Han Meimei. Although these two people either ignored me or hated me, based on our schoolmate relationship, they wouldn't wait until I was about to drown before jumping in to save me. It wasn't until much later that I found out I had thought too badly of them - it turned out that Lin Qiao immediately jumped in to save me after I fell into the water, and swam to my side, but was tightly wrapped around by me like a water weed, almost dying with me in Lake Ming. This was okay, but the key point is that after barely escaping my clutches and dragging me back to shore, he got cramps in his legs, and it was only because of luck that everyone was safe and sound. And within one week, I could enter the hospital twice - this really wasn't easy; with such experiences, I estimate that any weak and sickly romantic heroine would be too embarrassed to say she's a weak and sickly heroine in front of me.

  When I regained consciousness, the first thing I did was to open my eyes immediately. Lin Qiao seemed to have been scalded and quickly let go of my hand. His fingertips brushed past mine without any temperature. He was soaked from head to toe, his hair disheveled and scattered across his forehead, his sweater still dripping with water, and the chill emanating from him was palpable even when I just touched him. I had nothing to say, so I tilted my head back to stare at the ceiling. The sunlight outside the window was gone, and the surroundings were eerily silent. We remained silent for five minutes before he suddenly spoke up: "I always thought this was what's best for you."

  I looked at him and didn't answer.

  His expression was calm, but his voice was slightly trembling, and he said: "Before you woke up, I actually thought that if you died..."

  "You're the one who's dead."

  He was disturbed by me, but did not refute, only stared at me firmly, like a flying eagle staring at its prey. After a while, he continued: "I dare not imagine you dying in front of me. And you, Yan Song, if I die in front of you, will you feel sad?"

  I imagine the scene, completely unimaginable, and say: "Your parents will be worried about you, your girlfriend will be worried about you, add me to that, what's going on, you don't lack my bit of worry."

  I looked into his eyes and said these words without fear, his gaze hidden behind his glasses, only lightly coughing twice. He was a prodigy since childhood, everyone liked him, in high school when he got injured, many girls lined up to send him Lucozade, if he died, I reckon half of the girls in T University would cry and die with him... thinking carefully, I'm not sure if I'm sad or not, it's really no big deal.

  He gently adjusted his glasses, his lips were slightly purple, and the two short syllables seemed to be difficult to utter. He said: "Yan Song..." Before he could finish speaking, the door was pushed open with a bang. I turned my head to look, and Han Meimei stood at the door with a clothes bag, her eyes blazing with anger, every word squeezed out from between her teeth: "Yan Song, why are you so cruel?" Then her eyes reddened: "You have been blinded by hatred, you don't know what Lin Qiao has gone through all these years, you don't know that he already..." She was interrupted by Lin Qiao's loud voice. Lin Qiao's voice wasn't very loud, but Han Meimei looked at him with a frightened expression: "I'm just doing it for you..." Lin Qiao calmly raised his hand: "You go back first."

  There are faint patterns on the ceiling, I was hit on the head two days ago and they made a big fuss, my brain is still reeling from it. If this building were to suddenly collapse, the world would be at peace. Han Meimei must have watched too many Korean dramas recently, she's really into the role of the angelic female lead and can't get out of character. Despite being scolded by Lin Jiao and quieting down for two seconds, she immediately changed the subject and continued to yell at me: "You're heartless, Yan Song, you're completely unaware of Lin Jiao's suffering..." I've been patient for a long time, but finally couldn't take it anymore and decided to make a scene. I yanked out the IV needle that was still being administered and slammed the bottle on the ground, causing the room to fall silent. My voice was loud enough to be heard clearly by everyone in the relatively quiet environment, while they were both stunned into silence.

  I looked at Han Meimei with a smile: "Blinded by hatred? Can't see Lin Qiao's suffering? Hatred is something that people who have satisfied their material needs use to pass the time, only you guys who don't worry about food and clothing have the time and energy for it. Don't laugh at me, all these years I've spent my time being afraid. Afraid that my mom is not doing well in prison, afraid that my grandma gets sick easily because of her age, afraid that Yan Lang is not by my side and will be bullied, afraid that the company that sponsored me this year will regret it and won't sponsor me next year, where should I go to raise tuition fees? Afraid that the boss of the part-time job can't pay wages on time, afraid..." Lin Qiao's hand touched my eyes, trembling as she said: "Yan Song..."

  I pushed him away, and the fears of all those years, day and night, came flooding back. I had forgotten so many things for so long, but now they all came rushing back. I couldn't hold it in anymore and burst into tears: "You want me to understand you? If I don't understand, does that mean I have no heart? Are you still asking if I would be sad if you died? What about when I die, who will be sad for me? Do you know what life is like in prison? My mom is in prison, and during holidays, we have to rely on others to send her gifts. Where did I get the money to send her gifts? Yan Lang was told that a child without a father is not precious, a child without a mother is like a weed. He ran back to ask me what this meant. In college, besides attending classes, the thing I thought about most every day was how to eat three meals a day while ensuring nutrition and saving money. Which one of you has ever had such days? If none of you have had such days, then who has the right to criticize me?"

  My temples throbbed with pain, I felt like the day was over. To be honest, I didn't want to say those words, but somehow they just came out. The only explanation is that people have completely lost control. Lin Qiao and Han Meimei's faces were shaking in a mist of water vapor, I heard the sound of rapid footsteps, and suddenly someone hugged me, that voice said: "Calm down, Song Song, calm down."

  It's Qin Mo.

  The author has something to say: First of all, let's talk about the official website that was hacked and paralyzed in less than a month. According to reports, it was attacked on April 11th at night Beijing time... However, the administrators and moderators immediately launched a rescue operation, and it seems like they've rescued it? Next, the forum lacks a high-level expert in maintenance security. Does anyone have a sense of dedication and can work without pay? The only benefit that can be offered for now is that there are beautiful female moderators to flirt with...

  Then, looking up at the 5,400 words above my head, today's output is really generous.