Once upon a time in the year 3086 there was a planet called Sifillis, and on this planet there was a continent called Pus, and on this continent was a country called Farshtunkener, and in this country there was a pleasant- if slightly greasy- beachfront community called Grubbytaint, which sat on the shore of the foamy yellow Wormspotz Ocean.

  The country of Farshtunkener borders a smoldering toxic wasteland, and to the east of the wasteland is a thaumaturgic country called Bonertania. Soda Maturin Olheiser was a thirteen year old girl who had grown up there, at the lonesome and remote Schmahoning Drive-In Theater. Business had dried up since cars went extinct (around the same time as religion and cigarettes), but her Uncle, Karl the Silent One, was currently overseeing the construction of a brand new drive-in on the border of Schmegma City, Bonertania’s capital. It will be called the Schmahoning II and feature three hundred preserved VW bug and vanbus carcasses (The VW stands for the vehicles’ inventor, Veronica Wartnipples, who had big brown hairy warts instead of nipples) for people to sit in, plus an area for camping and a small roachberry patch. Titiana, the Flatulenz Fairy Tremorroid of Bonertania, had introduced feature film motion pictures to the wild yokai in Spew Spew Forest and some of the larger creatures have agreed to ferry citizens to and from the drive-in in exchange for videotapes.

  Recently Soda had completed an arduous trek and Titiana and her super best friend Montana decided she deserved a mental health break while her new drive-in home was being built. So they invited the tween and her friends the Spork Armadillo, Gary the Green Jackalope, and Chunks- a golem made out of chunks of various humanoids and yokai, stitched-and-stapled together- to their beach house in Grubbytaint for the weekend. Titiana- or Titi to her closest friends- was the tremorroid of Bonertania, and Montana- or Mono- was the vice-tremorroid. They were benevolent, wise, kind, and beloved rulers, and no one minded them taking as many vacations as they wanted. Titiana also threw herself a dozen elaborate birthday parties a year.

  Titi and Mono had an assortment of interesting and entertaining friends- several of whom were popular Sifillis Celebrities- and many accompanied them on their vacation, including Rumplemuss the Dirty Wanderer, Gashmouth the Chainsaw Raccoon, Cockadoody the Cocky Cockfightin’ Cockadoodoo, Crassgass the Sassy Gassy Jackass, the Ratsack Golem, B.M. Foulfinger, Nate Goiterhead, power couple and steed-class yokai Bruce the Retiring Ocelot and Jo the Prolific Rhinoceros, and Cydroidobot (the Robotic Emperor of Mukus Quadrant) and his son. Mono brought both her pets, a tapeworm in a jar named Zanghi and an antennaed brown and white puppy dog-shaped yokai named Elvira Daisy Shingles.

  Soda stayed off the beach, as she didn’t tan well. She had pale, chalky white skin and a purplish dusting of color on her lips and around her eyes. She had jet black hair, eyes, and glasses frames. During the day she and her friends would explore the town of Grubbytaint and its many mom and pop video stores, movie theaters, and libraries. After the sun set she and Chunks spent the bulk of their time inside, watching feature film motion pictures on the 100 inch TV in the beachhouse’s luxurious home theater.

  In the beach house was a room completely filled on every wall with iguana milk crates filled of thousands of videotapes of every genre. Titi and Mono also had some shelves in the middle of the room that they had salvaged from a video store that had closed years ago. Those shelves held their favorite horror movies. The videotape collection- although much smaller than their master collection back at Videotape Palace- was impressive.

  Soda and Chunks were also enjoying to get to know Titiana and Montana’s friends. They were all older than her so Soda felt very sophisticated. Soda especially loved playing with Montana’s puppy dog-shaped yokai Vira, who would chase her hand and nip and yip at it until Soda distracted her with a toy. Vira’s favorite toy was a small rubber queezimp that squeaked when she bit it.

  Montana Shingles had decided to invite her old friend Pucas to the shindig. Pucas was, as always, off wandering somewhere, but in his backpack was an enchanted balnut. When Montana wanted to contact him she released a special brown stool pigeon that flew to the nut wherever it was, with a note telling Pucas where to meet her.

  Pucas was a puppet-class yokai with mauve felt for skin, about three feet tall. He had skinny little arms and legs, a little pot belly, and his head was shaped like a sideways terd (eggs are called “terds” on Sifillis). His head featured no features other than a wide, unsmiling mouth. He saw by use of thaumaturgic glasses with black pupils in the white lenses.

  The curious lad traveled by means of a thaumaturgic toilet plunger. The plunger had been enchanted by a nefarious thaumaturge called the Fartmeister to transport its owner anywhere the owner told it. It had come into Pucas’ hands during the chaotic events of the Videotape Palace Siege of ‘82. Pucas had been using it to wander all over Pus Continent for years.

  And so, one afternoon Pucas floated out of the clouds over Titiana and Montana’s beach house. He had been at a horror movie convention at a hotel in Vodun Village, clear on the other side of the continent, but thanks to his enchanted plunger he was able to fly to the beach house relatively quickly. He landed on the front lawn, then bent over and threw up all over the ground, as he was oft wont to do. This particular barf included public crab stew and alien feces noodle casserole. Montana watched with bemusement as Pucas stood upright and wiped his mouth off on his hoodie’s already stained sleeve, and then led him into the palatial beachhouse.

  “Hey, everybody! Pucas is here!” cheered Montana as she walked into the home theater with Pucas. Vira ran to the felt-fleshed boy, jumped up on her hindlegs, and pawed Pucas until he scratched her head. In unison, Titiana, Rumplemuss, Gashmouth, Cockadoody, Crassgass, Ratsack, B.M., Nate, Bruce, Jo, Cydroidobot and his son yelled:

  “HELLO, PUCAS!”

  “Hi,” replied Pucas.

  This story is posted elsewhere by the author. Help them out by reading the authentic version.

  “Pucas, I’d like you to meet some new friends- This is Soda Olheiser and Chunks, and Gary and Sporky.”

  “Don’t call me Sporky!” snapped the Spork Armadillo, who was an armadillo-shaped golem made out of Spork, a popular tinned meat product.

  “Hello, Pucas,” said Gary, his voice cracking. Gary was a green jackalope who had sacrificed his antlers to help save Soda’s uncle Karl. The antlers had just started growing back and looked like two little bone devil horns. When Soda had met Gary he was about the size of a large dog but he had entered puberty and was quickly getting bigger and bigger. Not counting his long floppy ears Gary was almost as tall as Soda.

  “Piddily-Cum-a-Zookus,” said Chunks, smiling, “How ya doin’, Pucas?”

  “Pleased to meet you, Pucas,” said Soda, shaking the boy’s small felt-fleshed hand.

  “Pucas has been my companion on many fine adventures,” said Montana. “Remember being trapped inside the Blecch Pyramid?”

  “Yup,” said Pucas.

  “We’ve faced monsters from decapitroids to googoyles.”

  “Meatidongs, too,” added Pucas.

  “Decapitroids and googoyles and meatidongs, oh my!” said Soda, impressed.

  Pucas was very taciturn, and reminded Soda of her Uncle Karl. She was glad to have someone else around who was her age, and she and Pucas became fast friends. Soda didn’t even mind his habitual barfing.

  Soda and Chunks were particularly curious about Pucas’ flying toilet plunger, so he offered to give them a ride somewhere the following day.

  And that is how Soda, Chunks, and Pucas came to be standing on a bluff overlooking Grubbytaint Beach. Pucas used his pocket knife to cut a small slit in the tip plunger’s handle and pulled out a length of large intestine, then tied a series of knots in the intestine. Pucas, Soda and Chunks each grabbed onto the intestine, far apart from each other so when they were aloft they wouldn’t kick each other in the faces.

  “Ready,” said Pucas. Randomly he and Soda were wearing the same outfit: Black hoodie, black trousers, black sneakers. However, he wore a dark blue T-shirt with Sal Ammoniac’s symbol on it, while Soda was wearing a black shirt with a white videotape icon on the chest. Chunks was wearing the multi-colored patchwork jumpsuit designed for her by their friend Jodo, Titiana’s loyal royal flackfizer (who was running Videotape Palace while our heroes were on vacation).

  "Now, then, where should we go?" asked Soda.

  "Piddily-Cum-a-Zee, anywhere suits me," replied Chunks.

  Soda tried to think of the most pleasant place to picnic. They must decide upon one far enough away to afford them a fine trip through the air. Looking far out over the foamy sea, the girl's eyes fell upon a dim island lying on the horizon line- just where the pinkish-blue sky and yellow water seemed to meet- and the sight gave her an idea.

  "Oh!" Soda exclaimed, "let's go to that island for our picnic.”

  "What's it called?" inquired Pucas.

  "I believe it’s called 'Meningioma Island'. Rumplemuss told me a few people live there and keep iguanas and scroats, and fish for a living. There are woods and pastures, I'm sure we could find a fine place for a picnic. I also heard there’s a really cool video store that only stocks horror movies from the 2080s."

  "Sounds good," said Pucas.

  "If we're going to that island we may as well start right away," said Chunks. “Ready Pucas?”

  The mauve boy said he was. They all tightened their grips on the intestine tied to the toilet plunger. Pucas held the plunger over his head.

  "Go to Meningioma Island," said Pucas to the toilet plunger, using the name Soda had given him. The plunger’s suction cup quivered, then pulsated, and then the unclogging instrument began drifting upwards. First Pucas, then Soda, and then Chunks were lifted off their feet, with Soda dangling right below Pucas and Chunks dangling just below Soda.

  The plunger rose higher and faster, carrying the three voyagers with it, but instead of taking them forward to the island it started carrying them backwards over land. Up, up, up they floated and flew faster and faster, over several small villages and then over Yoshmendrickle Valley, out of Farshtunkener and over the toxic wasteland.

  “We’re going the wrong way!” shouted Chunks. Pucas told the plunger to go back or stop, but it continued its flight.

  “What's wrong, Pucas?” yelled Soda, “Why don't we stop?"

  “Don’t know,” said Pucas.

  "We want to go to Meningioma Island! Meningioma!" Soda yelled at the toilet plunger.

  The toilet plunger swept steadily along, and soon the toxic wasteland was replaced by the blood-red clotberry bushes and fields of monkey-face orchids of Quirk Quadrant.

  "Perhaps," shouted Soda, after a pause during which she tried hard to think, "Perhaps 'Meningioma Island' isn't the name of that island, at all. Now that I think about it, maybe it’s called ‘Megindioma Island. Somewhere in the world there's an actual Meningioma Island, and the plunger must be taking us there!”

  “Sorry,” said Pucas flatly.

  “Where do you suppose this real Meningioma Island can be?" Soda shouted.

  "We can't tell anything about it until we get there," Chunks yelled. A passing featherless yellow peegull peed on her head, then sailed away laughing. Chunks growled and shook her head, the peegull urine flying off her beaded braids.

  The trio flew farther and farther and higher and higher and then, after some time, Soda realized with a start they were flying right over the Schmahoning Drive-In, her old home! A few kaiju were napping on the empty lot.

  Eventually they had sailed completely over Bonertania and were heading over the east end of the toxic wasteland that surrounded the country on all sides.

  "Piddily-Cum-a-Zome” said Chunks, “we're a long way from home!"

  Pucas threw up, it was particularly chunky and some of his throw up landed on Soda and Chunks. They were pretty grossed out- they didn’t mind watching Pucas puke but didn’t want his puke on them. The enchanted plunger plunged upwards, into the clouds.

  ***

  In the 1990s self-proclaimed "World's #1 Sifillitic" B. Manus Shunkwiler produced 286 issues of "Sifillitica Psychotica", an obsessive fanzine dedicated to the Sifillis franchise. There's a zine page at the end of each chapter of every Sifillis Story.

  Volume 4, #38, September 1997: