Chapter 42

  The wound on my foot had not yet healed, and the 48th year of Kangxi was already the last day. I lay slanting on the couch, staring at the flickering candlelight, sitting alone in silence. A few knocks on the door, Yutan pushed open the door with a chill, and hastily put down the food box on the table, then turned around to close the door, shrinking her neck and shouting: "So cold!" I asked puzzled: "Aren't you serving at the front today? Why have you come back before the banquet is over?"

  She was rubbing her hands on the stove, warming herself up, and turned to me with a smile, saying: "I specially asked Li Xiangda to let Qiu Chen replace me. Anyway, she just happened to want to join in on the fun!"

  Every year at the New Year's Eve banquet, those who serve in front of us will receive some rewards and have the opportunity to meet people and things that are not normally seen. Yu Tan came to accompany me and pushed these specially. I was moved in my heart and sighed: "I'm alone, but I don't feel lonely, why bother asking Li Xiangda for this? It's just a waste of owing someone a favor!"

  She warmed her hands, took out the lunch box and opened it, smiling: "I've prepared some delicious food. Tonight we'll eat and drink together, chat, and have a good time celebrating the New Year, isn't that more enjoyable than serving others?"

  She arranged the cups and plates on the several cases on the kang, then added a small handful of lily incense to the censer. The two of them leaned against the soft cushion, eating and drinking on their own. After a while, I still couldn't help but ask casually: "Has my sister entered the palace?" Yutang lowered her head to eat and said: "Yes! And there's also Eighth Brother and Eighth Furen! However, probably because she hasn't recovered from her illness for long, Eighth Brother looks like he's not in great spirits! His face doesn't have much color." I picked up my wine, tilted my head back, and gulped it down fiercely, then choked a bit, leaning to the side and coughing softly.

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  My heart was heavy with worries, and I didn't sleep well last night. Yutan had let Qiu Chen take over her shift the previous night, so she left early this morning to take over for Qiu Chen. Hearing Yutan close the door, I quickly got up too. After washing and dressing, I opened my trunk, took out the letters from all these years, and lightly ran my fingers over each envelope, gazing at them for a while, with the intention of opening them again to read, but I steeled myself and instead wrapped them all in rice paper.

  Her eyes swept over the jade lanyard pressed at the bottom of the box, and she also took it out. After thinking for a moment, she walked to the table, picked up her pen and wrote a letter. She didn't want to bother thinking about those literary phrases, so she simply wrote whatever came to mind. Anyway, as long as he could understand it, that was all that mattered.

  "I'm just an ordinary woman, the fourth prince has seen my letters and knows that I don't have any literary talent. Maybe I look okay, but there are many beautiful girls in the Forbidden City, and I'm not one of the outstanding ones. Now I will serve the emperor wholeheartedly, and when I am released from the palace at an older age, I will leave on my own. I have decided that I won't get married for the rest of my life. In the past, I acted rashly and didn't think things through, causing many misunderstandings with the prince. I can only kneel down and beg for the prince's forgiveness. Since I've made up my mind to live alone and not marry, it's pointless for the prince to waste his thoughts on me."

  After finishing writing, I read it carefully, pondered for a while, tore it up and rewrote it.

  "...Wait until the age is released from the palace, and I will leave by myself. My mother died early because of my birth, and I often regret that this life did not fulfill my filial piety. This life is not intended to be married, but only wants to accompany the green lamp and ancient Buddha, reciting scriptures for my mother's blessings. Before, I was acting abnormally..."

  Put the letter and necklace into the envelope. Indifferently looked at things on the table. If they come, everything will be returned; if not, then they have let go and found another opportunity to return to them. Suddenly remembered the bangle on hand, hurriedly pulled it down, tried several times but failed, touched the jade bangle, and felt dizzy.

  A gentle knock at the door came, busy tidying up her thoughts, got up to open the door, wondering if it was Xiao Shunzi or Fang He.

  "Good luck, young lady!" Mr. Fang said with a neat bow, stood up and pulled out a letter from his pocket. I smiled as I took it, "Uncle, please wait for a moment, I have something to trouble you with." Mr. Fang was slightly taken aback, but quickly nodded in agreement.

  I entered the house, stared blankly at the letter in my hand for a while, opened the package of Xuan paper on the table, put the letter together with other letters without opening it, rewrapped and sealed it with paste.

  Turned around and went out of the house, handed it to Fang He, smiled and said: "Trouble you!" Fang He put away the paper package while smiling and saying: "No trouble! No trouble!" After finishing speaking, he bowed and hurriedly left.

  I stood still by the door frame, watching his figure disappear. In my heart, I repeated over and over again: 'From now on, we will have no more connection, from now on, we will have no more connection...'

  Until lunchtime, Xiao Shunzi still hadn't arrived. I thought to myself, this is actually good, he's let go of it and from now on everyone can be at peace. Just as I was thinking about how to return the necklace to him, there was a knock at the door.

  With a sigh in her heart, she opened the door. Xiaoshunzi smiled and greeted her with a bow, "I've brought something for you, miss!"

  I took it and still smiled: "Trouble the old man to wait for a moment, there are some things that trouble the old man to help deliver." After finishing, I half-covered the door and turned into the house.

  I opened the small, narrow wooden box in my hand and found a crystal-like jade hairpin carved into an open peony. I didn't bother to examine it closely and tossed it back into the original envelope, sealing it carefully. I handed it over to Xiao Shunzi as he came out of the house, then turned around and closed the door.

  Leaning against the door, after a long time, it seemed to suddenly come back to its senses, thinking that on the first day of the new year, everything had ended. Taking a deep breath, waving his fist, he shouted loudly at himself: "New Year New Look!"

  After crying, I decided to start picking up the pieces and making my life better. Since I'm alive, I should try to make myself happy. Love may have failed! It's okay to be sad for a while, it's okay to feel down for a while, but there's no need to ruin my whole life for a man who didn't choose me. My life shouldn't be all dark just because of that! I'm only 18 years old, I don't have love yet, but I can still do many other things. In a few years, I'll be old enough to move out and start fresh. After that, I can travel on my own, watch the sunset in the north, or see the misty rain in Jiangnan. I've always wanted to visit the Qinghai-Tibet Plateau and Yunnan, but never had the chance. Nowadays, when I have time, I don't have money, and when I have money, I don't have time. But now that I have plenty of money, why not take this opportunity to live a life I've always dreamed of?

  Since I came to ancient times, I have been wandering around the Forbidden City. Later, I can laugh and hold the wind and moon, lie down and watch the red dust, travel the Yangtze River north and south, and meet heroes from all over the world! Isn't it free? There are still many interesting things waiting for me ahead!

  Thinking on one hand, laughing on the other, and busily tidying up the house with hands and feet, but tears still fell from the corners of her eyes, unstoppable.