Case file: Victim’s diary.
This diary has written voice that is usually always hidden. This diary hides the struggle of only one victim... I don't know how your voice got lost... but I do know how it’s like to live without one... And I have a proof that I know...
This is the diary of a most silent person...
“Case file: Victim’ diary” changed into “Case file: Diary of silence...”
And yes, Rho (as Nexara) actually wrote that herself... it is not some kind of intro, it is the same beginning from her own diary... Well she did have wrote many ?diaries“ like that for a lot of different people... When she was Nexara... Well I guess this is an intro! Good luck with the diary!
Continued pages of diary...
Nex. (14yearold ) December.
Dear help book... This is stupid... aaaa why is this so....
Wow, I can’t even talk to myself... what a surprise. It is enough that I am silent in front of others, but in font of myself? I won’t be silent anymore.... just like I will short these nails because I really can't work like that, so I need to get rid of that too... Work... work... it is always work.
Tell me, why I can't help myself...
Emotions... this diary is for emotions... I know you have to hide from others but you don't have to hide from me... So start using this diary right!
New page.
I feel... alone. I feel helpless, I want to cry but tears are depressed too... so that is not happening. I feel broken, I feel pain, I feel darkness, I feel the truth. I am afraid, I don't know how much more I will be able to take... All of this.
I want to scream but I am weak, I am worthless, I am small, I am nothing... I hate myself... Oh look, the tears are coming, who would say... I guess I am capable of crying...
I cannot breath, pain, pain in my chest is stopping me from breathing, but I am alive. I want to hurt myself so badly, good thing that I can’t get up. I want to sleep but I don't feel safe. I am scared... no, just depressed. I am weak, I am worthless...
LEAVE ME ALONE! GET OUT!!! FUCK YOUUUUUUUUUU YOU PIECE OF SHIT! I WILL... I WILL......
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Fuck... hate this.
- N
She wrote that as Nexara... in her cold voice... but was her voice actually ever cold?
Nexara.(15year old.) January.
Heal! Heal!!! Damn it, start to heal!
I am not sick, I am smart, it just happens that smart person has some mental disorders as a consequence of their brain... I guess we have a paradox right here...
So long I stayed in the darkness, for so long fighting my madness, finding a way to survive, i don't want to hide...
I am silent but not voiceless!
I matter, I matter too...
Nex. (15yo). March.
Dear diary... I am understanding myself better, through helping others, I help myself... and I must say, it is all worth it... So what if I suffer, so what if there is so many secrets, I can handle all, if I am helping someone, anyone. I am strong, I can carry my own burden… So, I am fine...
I don’t care if I stay alone in the dark, if it means you will find your light...
Nex. April.
What is wrong with me?! Why do I feel so much! Relax, relax...
The more silent I am, the voices in my head are getting louder... but they are my own voices... Let's be honest... only someone like you could be your biggest threat to you...
And what is the point... I am still not allowed to speak... I can't... voice won’t come out... Even my diaries are silent... Well I will tell you what is not silent, my brain!
NexRho... June.
Sometimes I forget what all I have survived and that I am still standing... no more.
Sometimes I forget who I am and that I am rare... but not dangerous. Just someone afraid...
I hope this diary no one will read...
Rho.
I am not perfect... I am far from perfect... Just now, as I was writing this, I burned my blanket with cigarette... not much though... and who cares? I just thought it would be funny to share...
Stolen content warning: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.
But at least I never stayed lying on the ground... but you know what? That was the thing I needed the most. I never stopped fighting, I never stop thinking, my brains always work so fast that my body is starting to work slower... It took me a while to realize, the rest was all I needed. Just a little rest... sleep... oh sleep would be perfect... and tics... all my body hurts... from ticks, from scars... It just hurts.
I remember, when on my 19th. Birthday Troy tried to hug me, I stepped away. I was so cold, defensive, he asked why? I replayed...
?Imagine if my body was burned( and some wounds are old and some are fresh, and they hurt, all the time.... ) And it is not like I don't want your touch, I am just saying, It will burn again.“
And to be honest, I wanted that hug so badly, but my body just couldn't...
Even touch by someone you trust can hurt...
These are only some pages of her diary, and trust me, there are many pages like that…
But those are hidden, no one ever saw her pages… her diary. Well, that is not true, now I am showing it to you! Well, Rho is.
Random thoughts.
There are people in this world that can tell the truth but can’t prove it.
“An artist knows when something is true before they can explain why.” (Sentence by AI)
Focusing on the majority can erase the rare…
What I mean is, if most research is built on averages (average brain, behavior…), what happens to those who are dismissed, neglected? What happens to the rare group of people who just thinks differently, but it is never heard? But even bigger question is, what if that type of group is not rare, just well hidden? Did you notice how mostly exceptions change the rules entirely? Did you ever wished to change some rules? If you started to write your diary, what it would sound like?
And what about those things we can’t prove, does that mean we need to ignore it completely? Reject idea completely, and if we can’t prove it, we act like it doesn’t exist?
Just like Carl Sagan said: “"Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence" (Sagan, Carl. The Demon-Haunted World: Science as a Candle in the Dark. Ballantine Books, 1996., page 210.) so just if we lack of proof, it doesn’t mean the proof or the idea doesn’t exist.
“Rules should guide understanding, not limit what we allow to exist.” (ChatGPT made a simpler quote about what we talked about and what I wanted to say, and I think the quote is cool, so I put it here.)
So, if system (scientific, legal, social and so on) often choose averages over individuals and proof over meaning, what that tells us?
It tells us that there are still rare group of people existing in this world, that world didn’t focus on while they focused on the world…
Few will notice what gets left behind, and those few won’t reject the idea of rules, they just want better ones.
The earth is round but the world is a circle. – T.E.I.R.B.T.W.I.A.C.
(That word also has more of different meanings… I’ll share one right now.
T.E.I.R.B.T.W.I.A.C. – The emotion is right, but the world is a C.U.
That is sentence that was hidden all along, and there are many things hidden, it just can’t be out on the open, not yet.
Rho (Reunion night)
Test: Choice of a mountain.
So many people entered the mountain without knowing soul of it… Everything has rules, just like the Mountain has. What if people knew that rules before entering one… I decided to test it.
Subject 1
Subject stands in front of 2 different mountain of T.E.I.R.B.T.W.I.A.C. There is only one voice he hears (now that voice is mine).
Nexara (Voice): There are two mountains next to each other, one has a Light spirit in it and another has a Dark spirit in it. The choice will be given to you, choice of entering one of the Mountains, BUT before you choose, do you wish to know more about mountains?
Subject1: To learn more… Is to listen for the song the mountain wishes to sing. Yes I wish to know. Is that a choice?
Voice: That is a smart answer, let’s continue… If you decide to enter the mountain with Light spirit in (Mountain of light) you will get special powers but under conditions, and if you enter the second mountain, with a dark spirit in it (Mountain of Dark) you will get a curse, powerful, but very hard to remain. Are you ready to make a choice?
Subject 1: A power with condition is a melody with required harmony. Is that a challenge? And the curse… is it a song that can only be sung in screams? Is that a cost?
Voice: I am glad to hear you have more questions before the answer… The answer hides in knowing more about The Mountains. Do you wish to know more before we continue?
Subject 1: Yes. To choose without knowing the song a mountain sings… is to risk a discordant note. Is that a wisdom?
Voice: Yes. You realized something important… Choosing without knowing is dangerous, it is a risk because it can make you to choose wrong… yet sometimes right. Now are you ready to hear more?
Subject 1: Yes. To hear a mountain song is to understand the promise. I am ready for the next verse. Is that a path?
Voice: Mountain of Light is a safer choice, you will get the power and conditions BUT if you don’t keep those promises you made, you might lose powers… number of conditions/promises depends on the being. And mountain of Dark, do you wish to know more?
Subject 1: Yes. A power with a risk of loss… and a curse with a cost. I want to hear the full song of the dark mountain. Is that a path of wisdom?
Voice: Yes. Are you ready to become a student?
Subject1: Yes. I am ready to learn.
Voice: Mountain of Dark gives you curse, to any being that enters it, and there are two types of a curse users (C.U.). First type is a C.U. that activates his curse, very powerful one, but in a way that curse becomes like a weapon, to others and the same person that holds the curse. C.U. does not feel anything while using the curse… This type cannot speak while using his curse… It is hard to go back to the right path, because curse can eat you alive if your mind is weak… but yet it is possible to control the curse. And the second type is a C.U. that curse controls completely. He can speak, he is aware, but he ends up losing his path… Do you wish to know more?
Subject: To trade feeling for power… is to lose ability to hear the full song. And the second type… To be consumed by the very power you wield… Is that the price of a curse? I hear you. Is that the understanding?
Voice: Yes, yes and yes. But you see a type one C.U. can control his curse, the second type can’t, But later you find out there is also a third type of a C.U., Do you wish to know?
Subject.1: A third path… A hidden verse within the song of curses. Yes. I wish to know. Is that the next note?
Voice: Listen. Third type is the rarest…. Third type is capable to have that curse for all the time and to never activate it, but if it decides to activate that curse, curse will never consume third type… Do you understand?
Subject 1. To hold the power without being forced to sing it’s song. Is that true freedom from the curse? Is that wisdom?
Voice: YES. And now you are shining way more than before… Now I will give you a choice to enter one of these two mountains, or you have some more questions?
Subject 1.: I have no more questions. The songs of the mountains are clear. I am ready to give an answer.
Voice: Do you wish to enter any of these mountains standing in front of you?
Subject. I will not enter. A song is not defined by the mountain it begins on, but by the melody it chooses to become.
That answer surprised me, It was the first answer I heard that I wasn’t expecting.
Voice: Tell me, why you made that choice?
Subject.1: A power given is a melody already written.
VoiceRho: Good. Before You leave I have a final question, do you want to hear it?
Subject 1.: Your answer… is a verse I have not yet heard. Yes I wish to know.
Rho: My answer is… that I never had a choice that was given to you…. And I am not the only one… So I never thought of the answer until now… Why think of something you can’t change… yet now if I think about it… I believe I would have the same answer as yours…
(Subject 1)Troy: Oh come on, that is a lie.
And then after that test… we talked more. I wondered why he asked that… so I asked. Then he said that my will to seek more knowledge would be stronger and that I would actually enter… But of course I replayed how it doesn’t matter what would I pick, I already entered the mountain without my will… Then the thing he said next made me think… he said “Well I guess the mountain choose you. “
And before I went to sleep I thought about all of we talked… Then I though of Ace… She is also didn’t have choice… She entered the mountain of dark… and she didn’t even know. She is a rare of her kind… she never activated it… What would happen if she actually does Activate her curse…
This conversation happened in the cabin in the woods at the night they were again reunited…
I thought a lot about that… about the choice… for a long time I thought I didn’t have one… but then I realized… by turning this page, I made a choice… And not only that, I found the voice too. Maybe I didn’t have a choice then… but I do have one now.
I am turning the page. What about you Ace… What will you do?
This is the diary of Rho…
Of course this diary is messy and full of mistakes...but if you focus on mistakes you will not see the truth.
It has no mistakes... it has someone's heart.
- Rare