Sophia

  At home, he quickly placed her in the playpen. His eyes were still a bit wild. I took his hands. “Look at me.” He looked at me for a second, but then his eyes darted all over the place again. “Lucas.” He sighed and looked at me.

  “We're home. She's safe. There's nothing wrong.” He kissed me and pulled me into his arms. “I'm okay. I just need some time to get that scare out of my body.”

  I pulled away from him. “Do you know what we're going to do then?” Lucas shook his head. “Go sit quietly on the couch.” He looked at me a bit confused, but did what I asked.

  “Then.” I said, picking up Lucy out of her playpen and sitting down next to Lucas. “We're going to just sit with daddy.” I sat down closly against Lucas, carefully placing Lucy's little head on his arm, while my arm supported her bottom.

  I laid my head on his shoulder. “If only I could stay like this for the rest of my life,” he said. “Just with you and Lucy in my arms. Nothing to do, just enjoy you both.” He added. “Do you know why you enjoy these little moments so much?” I asked. Lucas looked at me questioningly. “Well?” he asked. “Because you've earned them after a long day. And because the more she grows, the rarer they will be.”

  He nodded. “I don't want to think about that right now,” he said, before kissing my hair. “I just want to enjoy the moment right now.” I looked into his eyes. The calm in his eyes had finally returned. Lucy moved softly. Almost feeding time for her, I realized. “It's still early, but I think she's going to want a bottle from daddy,” I said. “Tonight again,” he said, gently stroking her.

  She soon started to protest a bit grumpily. Her little face distorted, like she looked just before she would start crying. “Go to mommy,” he said. I took her more firmly in my arm. Lucas placed the nursing pillow under my arm. “Already a little glutton,” he said, while I fed her.

  “Wait, in a few years she'll say: 'I don't like that',” I said. Lucas laughed. “I'm going to make so many different flavors for her that she'll like everything.” I smiled at him. “Good luck.” Meanwhile, she had finished drinking. Carefully, I let her burp. “Excuse me, miss,” said Lucas, taking her from me. “No. You don't need that yet.” He tickled her. “Shall I put you to bed?” he asked her. And nodded, answering his own question.

  He soon walked, gently rocking her, to the nursery. I soon heard him singing our song. After a few minutes, he came back to sit on the couch. “So, a few hours just you and me again,” he said and he kissed me. “I love you so much,” he said. Sleepily, I nestled into his arms. I didn't want to admit it. Especially not to myself. But the long day on that hot set had exhausted me. Lucas had been right. I had to build up. And maybe work every other day.

  Back on set, time finally went faster again. Lucas loved having us on set, even though Lucy was often the reason things stalled. Either she needed to be fed or a clean diaper. Sometimes she just woke up from all the noise. And even though Lucas had said that she would in a bedroom when she did not need to be filmed. He didn’t, He preferred having her nearby.

  After a month, Joyce bounced in. “Hey!” she called. Her belly already quite prominent. “Just been to the doctor for a 7-month extra ultrasound, because it was so hard to see last time,” she said.

  She had indeed told us that at the 20-week ultrasound, the doctor wasn't entirely sure what the gender was. “And?” asked Lucas. “A boy,” she said. She looked around. “And a girl!” Joyce called enthusiastically. “Twins. Isn't it great?” she said. Lucas nodded. “For someone else, yeah,” he teased.

  We teased back and forth a bit about the upcoming twins. “But not to change the subject, Joyce. With twins. Shouldn't you be taking it easy already?” Joyce shrugged. “My role isn't as heavy as Sophia's,” she replied. “He's right, Joyce,” Jonas began. “I think your maternity leave should start.” She rolled her eyes. “I know my body. I listen to my body. If it says 'take it easy', then I'll take it easy,” she snapped.

  “Come on, Sophia,” said Joyce. “We're going to work,” she said resolutely. Pulled me up and forced me to the set. are you all coming?” Joyce snapped. Lucas shook his head laughing. He knew better than to go against her now.

  Weeks seemed to go well. Until Joyce suddenly doubled over in her eighth month. “Are you okay?” Sam asked her, who was just playing a scene with her. She nodded painfully. “Yes. Yes, it's fine,” she said. I immediately saw she was lying. “No,” I called. I walked onto the set. “These are contractions, right?” I called. She shook her head. “It's too early. Still 4 weeks,” she said. “They don't stick to the schedule,” I said and took her to the edge of the set.

  Jonas took her to the hospital soon. The rest of the day filming was out of the question. Lucy became restless from the tension and got whiny. Alexander was in panic. Emma and Victor started mutinying because of this. So we decided to watch a movie with the kids to keep them calm.

  After hours, we decided to take Alex home. It would still take a while. And a child in the hospital who's panicking isn't really handy. I kept Alexander as calm as I could by playing games with him. And playing with Lucy together.

  When evening turned into night, it became a disaster. Alex didn't want to sleep. He wanted to go to his mommy and daddy. And he thought those babies were stupid, because they made mommy hurt. This woke Lucy and she cried loudly. She naturally felt the tension too.

  After 2 hours of struggle, I managed to get the 5-year-old boy into bed. Lucy slept like a rose. She even slept through the night for the first time. Not that Lucas and I got much of it. Because it all took so long, we both didn't sleep.

  The relieving word finally came early the next morning. After hours of trying to stop the contractions, which somewhat succeeded, they decided around 5 o'clock to go for an emergency cesarean anyway. At 5:30 my niece Danielle was born. A minute later Ruben came into the world. Both healthy as can be, but had to stay in an incubator just to be sure. We could visit that afternoon, though it was wiser to leave my little girl at home.

  Because of this, I was a bit at a loss. My mother-in-law naturally wanted to see her new grandchildren too, so she wouldn't want to watch Lucy. Lucas and I discussed this briefly and decided to find an emergency babysitter.

  We found one not too far away: a 17-year-old girl who wanted to earn some extra money. Jessica Vermeer. She turned out to be a young blonde girl with gray eyes. A bust that made me suspect she stuffed something in her bra to make it look bigger. A bit too much makeup to look older. She wore regular jeans and a shirt with a V-neck that stopped just above her bra.

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  I found it very hard to leave my 3-month-old baby with her. I didn't want to admit it. But I was just as attached and protective of her as Lucas was, though he showed it more. “She gets bottles from the fridge if Sophia can't breastfeed. They shouldn't be too hot, then she'll burn her little mouth and throat, and if too cold she'll get a tummy ache,” Lucas began.

  Jessica smiled and pretended very well to be interested. “And after her bottles, she goes to bed. Then she really likes hearing a lullaby.” I pulled Lucas along. “We're only gone for an hour or two,” I said to him. This triggered a 'but she's never been away from us this long' from my husband. “In about 13 years, that's all she'll want,” I said teasingly.

  In the car to the hospital, Lucas didn't get calmer. “Does she know how long Lucy should stay in bed?” He almost wrung the steering wheel. “And what if she gets scared? And calls for one of us?”

  I laughed softly. “Forming words at 3 months? Then we'll call the Guinness Book of Records,” I said teasingly. “Luke. we're only gone a couple of hours at most. Not days,” I said, taking his hand. He sighed and said nothing more. Though somewhere I was sure he still wasn't at ease.

  In the hospital, we were soon led to Joyce's room. They had to do an emergency cesarean because the boy of the twins seemed to be having a hard time, but the children were now healthy as can be. My mother-in-law sat next to the bed with one of the two in her arms. rocking the baby back and forth.

  Joyce held the second of the twins, but she looked exhausted. “It all seemed so fun, twins,” she began. “Until I realized I'll have to feed these at night too.” She said lightly complaining. “Jonas helps you, right?” asked Lucas. “Does he have breasts?” she snapped. I laughed softly behind my hand. “Where is Lucy?” my mother-in-law asked. “At home. We thought: one more baby is a bit much,” I explained.

  Joyce had a look in her eyes. That look that said she felt invisible at that moment. “And these two want all of grandma's attention too,” I said. Joyce looked at me gratefully.

  “And what are the two new future little rascals called?” asked Lucas. “Luke!!” his mother said suddenly. “That's not nice to say!” Lucas chuckled. “Why not. I'll spoil them myself.” Jonas had to laugh pretty hard at this. “The one with mommy is Ruben. And the little girl with grandma is Danielle,” he said proudly.

  “And which of the three is your favorite? Alex, Ruben or Danielle?” he asked Jonas grinning. “Why?” asked Jonas. “Then I'll spoil that one the most,” he said clearly teasing. But Joyce didn't find it really funny. She even found it so bad that she had Lucas thrown out of the room.

  “He doesn't mean it,” Jonas said immediately. “Yeah, take your brother's side. Not your wife's who just brought 2 children into the world!” she snapped furiously. Danielle, who apparently got startled by all the noise, started crying. Causing her brother to do the same. “See what you've done!” Joyce snapped.

  “If you calm down, they will too,” said Jonas. “What do you know about it?” Joyce snapped. I quickly took Danielle over and rocked her. Within a minute, she calmed down. “See, even my daughter prefers her aunt!” I sat next to Joyce. “No way. But she's picking up your tension now and reacting to it.” “Yeah right! Three months a mother and already an expert!” she snapped at me.

  I let it go. I understood she was still full of hormones and exhausted from the birth. And thus quite irritable. My mother-in-law calmed Ruben quickly. “I think it's better if I go.” I looked around my in-laws. “Is it okay if I take Jonas for Alexander? Then he can decide if Alex stays over or takes him home.” I said. I just didn't feel like more yelling from Joyce.

  “Yeah, go ahead!” she snapped. Jonas seemed grateful he could come along. In the car home, the brothers chatted away. He had decided to spend the night with us. Though that was only after hearing that Lucy had now slept through the last night.

  In the weeks that followed, we couldn't film, so I picked up teaching again. It was wonderful to inspire the young actors and actresses to get better. Which made me itch to write my first real play.

  This filled months. During the day I taught the children. In coffee breaks and after work I wrote. I had a few rough ideas. I had been inspired for one of them by an old series I watched. I found it unfinished. So I wanted to make a kind of conclusion on stage.

  A second idea I was toying with was that I wanted to write a fantasy-like play. But that was still very vague. A third idea was an ambitious actress who leaves her husband and abandons her child to get big roles. And the more famous she gets, the lonelier she becomes. And how much more regret she gets for having left her husband and child behind.

  I would give this to Teddy because he worked with the adults. I played my rough final scene for Lucas. “Imagine a spotlight, otherwise darkness.” He nodded. I stepped into the middle of the living room imagining it was a theater.

  “Ambition. Yes, I had that. Fire. That was there too. Fame. The silver screen. Wealth. Luxury. Yes, that was it all wasn’t it? The ideal.” I smiled at my imaginary audience, but abruptly let my smile drop. “Ambition is not a disgrace. Not if it makes you make the right choices. I had it all. The fame. The luxury.” I sighed dramatically. “But that's an empty shell if you can't share it.”

  I took a paper from my pocket. This was supposed to be a photo. “My beloved Ron. In that miserable little house in the city. His unconditional love and support.” I laughed sadly and managed to coax a tear. “How is he doing?” I looked at the audience. “My baby.” I picked up a teddy bear and held it like a child.

  “The greatest happiness is your child's love, they say. Now too old to experience it, I realize.” I looked at the audience again. “That I never should have given that away. What would she look like?” I sobbed. “My eyes. His chin? Who knows. What will she think? What is she now? Is she still alive?” I sat on a stool. “I may know the bright light of success. But it has extinguished the fire I once had.” I looked at the audience again. My gaze intense. “Look,” I said pointing. “A shooting star! Now I can make a wish.” I stood up and closed my eyes. “Let me return to that day. Let me choose what really matters. Love. That of my child. And that of my ex-husband. Give me riches that cannot be expressed in money.” I looked at Lucas.

  “And here she wakes up in her bed, like at the beginning. But then she chooses not to lie to her ex about their child having died and chooses to raise it together.” He nodded. “And then?” he asked. “Then we see her again on that same stage. The same moment, but then that she has chosen differently.”

  I looked at my imaginary hall again. “Happiness.” I began now. “Yes, I know that.” “The love of my husband. The love of my child. But also of my talent. From that poor apartment, with hard work, the support of my family and some luck, I still became the actress I wanted to be. We moved to beautiful big houses. Parties. Galas. Premieres. Yes. I have it all. The silver screen. Beautiful houses. Luxury. Wealth. But I also have the most precious thing in the world. The love of a partner. And the love of my child.” I looked at Lucas again. “Then the light goes out.”

  Lucas nodded. “Powerful. Wow, and you're just giving that to Teddy.” I nodded. “He has the adults. You can't have a child play this.” He took me in his arms. “You're right. What are you going to do now?” He asked, hugging me. “Write for the children. But right this moment?” I asked. “Enjoy your arms.”

  I laid my head on his shoulder.

  “It was beautiful to see you so full of passion again,” he said.

  “Yes,” I smiled. “Too long away from the stage, I think. TV is nice, but it's about perfection — about control. Theater is something else. It's about passion. About making something imperfect into something great.” I began.

  “And about daring,” Lucas added.

  “Yes,” I whispered, while I softly kissed his arm. “But now, here, with you. Then the world outside can wait until tomorrow. Tonight I just want to be alone with you.”

  I nestled into his arms, felt his breathing calm and deep under my cheek.

  Someone once told me that today is already a memory tomorrow. And while I lay in his arms, I knew this would be such a memory — one I never wanted to forget. Here, with him, life felt exactly as it should be again. Amazing.