"And you've been body-hopping for how long?" I asked.

  “Millenia,” South sighed. “It took a lot of deaths to bring back all thirty three of us. We had to flee our original world to escape the wrath of the White Magi.”

  “You didn’t get to all thirty three here, right?” I said.

  “We would in time,” South said. “We do not age. This world’s shoddy Aether made the full family tree manifestation… complicated, slow.”

  “The other crystalloid colonies in other worlds,” I contemplated. “Are they your copies? The same cursed, undying family tree blooming on different worlds? What happens after you get all thirty three branches back? Do you spread further? Create… extra branches or something?”

  South's eyes darted between me and her sister and Shady who would inevitably pull the truth out of her regardless. "We... yes. Once all thirty-three are restored, we can create new, similar branches. They’re pretty much copies of a particular soul out of the original thirty three.”

  “Is there divergence?” I wondered. “Would two copies of your grandfather fight each other? Like if the Frontenachii orbital strike missed your grandfather and then you also made a copy of your grandfather in my body, which one would tell the family what to do?”

  “The older grandfather would rule,” South said. “The younger would be treated as a younger… brother. They would rarely disagree. There would be some divergence, sure, but it would be minor and it would vanish as the younger body would fully crystallize. There would be no infighting if that’s what you’re wondering about. Copies of the same branch, the same soul tend to agree on almost all decisions. The elder soul would eventually subsume the younger mentally. You’re still thinking of us as individuals… Emperor. We are not. We are a tree, united in purpose. We do not argue. We do not change after solidifying fully, do not age. We act as one. We bloom from snipped branches given enough time and… fertilizer.”

  “Fertilizer of mundane human souls,” I said.

  South nodded.

  “This is some effed up shit,” Nexxali voiced.

  “What, the Frontenachii never bothered to interrogate the vamps about their family lore?” I wondered.

  “Nobody asks cattle about its family lore.” The Marshal shrugged. “The Frontenachii don’t care for such things, they care about usability of a thing. Chatting with the vamps about their history is a pointless waste of time, they’re far more helpful as crystalline weapon processors.”

  “But they know things,” I pointed out. “Magical secrets.”

  “Which were probably pulled out of them long, long ago by the lucky Wendigo Commander who ran into them first,” Nexxali shrugged. “Probably. I dunno.”

  “Things are different on every world,” I said. “Your rules of magic don’t work on our Earth.”

  “I suppose,” the serval shrugged. “Regardless, the protocol is to blast ‘em from orbit to melt them to useful slag, otherwise they just scatter like roaches via their dimensional gates.”

  I leaned forward on my crystalline throne, studying South through the skull mask's eye holes. The teenage vampire's revelations had given me ideas, but I needed more information.

  "Tell me about your resurrection process," I said. "How exactly does bringing back a family member work?"

  South's eyes narrowed. "Why do you want to know?"

  "Because understanding your nature helps me decide what to do with you," I replied. "The Frontenachii see you as raw materials. I'm trying to determine if there's another option."

  "You mean besides melting us down?" South laughed bitterly. "How generous."

  "Answer the question."

  She sighed. "We need a host body with magical potential. The more potential, the faster the conversion. Then we inject our crystalline matrix into them via blood transfusions.”

  “The host's consciousness gets... overwritten gradually as the crystallization progresses." I said. “Plus you can shift your crystalline skin around to be prettier, yes?”

  South nodded.

  “Could you make a bear into a vampire?” I asked. “Bring your grandfather back as an… animal?”

  “That's insane and gross… grandfather would never…”

  “If there was no other choice?” I asked.

  “Maybe?” South shrugged. “That's not something we've ever considered.”

  I turned to look at North, who was trembling in her chair. "North, if I fixed your jaw, would you help us?"

  Her eyes went wide. She nodded frantically.

  "Shady, can you reset her jaw without breaking it worse?"

  "Can try!" Shady bounded over to North, studying her face. "Vampire vegetable, this might hurt like square."

  Shady grabbed North's jaw and—CRACK—snapped it back into place. North screamed, then gasped, working her jaw experimentally.

  "Thank you," North croaked, her voice hoarse. "Thank you, thank you."

  "North," I said. "Your sister just revealed that you're fragments, copies of copies of an ancient magical family that's been body-hopping for millennia. How does that make you feel?"

  "Like I want to get very, very drunk," North admitted. "I... I don't… really don't want to become someone else."

  "You're denying your true nature." South said. “You cannot escape what you are. You will remember yourself. You will want to bring the others back. They will haunt your every waking moment until you do as they say.”

  North shuddered.

  I considered the situation. Two vampires, one mostly converted and loyal to the family tree consciousness, one resisting with everything she had. There was potential here.

  The narrative has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the infringement.

  "South," I said. "Your family's been running from the Frontenachii for how long?"

  "Since their fleet found our colony on Seleniistar."

  "The Frontenachii see you as materials because that's all they know how to see. Tools, weapons, resources. But you're obviously more than that. You're a distributed consciousness with thousands of years of magical knowledge. That has value beyond being turned into gun parts."

  "You want to use us too," South guessed.

  "Yes, but I will also offer you a choice," I corrected. "The Frontenachii won't give you that. They'll just melt you. I'm proposing an alliance."

  "Against the Frontenachii?" South laughed. "You're mad. They have fleets, legions of blood-bound prads, planet-cracking weapons! What do you have?"

  "This entire planet," I said simply. "Eight billion humans who are very good at being very persistent and creative when threatened. Rare people with a particular mindset and skills who can be pushed in the right direction. And now, potentially, rare vampires who know things the Frontenachii don't."

  "Like what?"

  "Like how to make artifacts from souls," I said. "The Frontenachii don't know that's possible here, do they? They think Earth's magic is too weak."

  “You want us to make artifacts… out of your own people?" North let out, staring at me with a horrified expression.

  "I want you to help defend Earth in exchange for protection and a place to exist without being melted down," I said. "Your knowledge, our resources. A partnership, not enslavement."

  "Grandfather would never agree to that," South said immediately. "He doesn't partner with lesser, mortal beings."

  "Grandfather got his entire compound atomized from orbit," I pointed out. "Maybe his decision-making could use some… review. Besides, can you prove that I am your lesser or mortal?"

  South huffed.

  Shady, who had been listening intently, perked up. "Emperor mine is wise circle! Vampires help, vampires stay! Everyone wins except square Frontenachii Dominion!"

  "You do get that you need large numbers of human sacrifices to make artifacts, right?" South asked. "You'd have to cull your own people! Tens of thousands of them!"

  "None of that," I said firmly, thinking of the fate of the 50k Emperor. "We're not mass murdering people."

  "Then we can't make anything powerful or useful enough to matter!" The eternal teenager insisted. “Even after a century of living in Cascade we got insta-fucked by a single Corpse Seeker! Those fuckers have thousands of dragon tanks!”

  "What about people who are already dying?" Kawathra interjected. "Earth has approximately 60 million deaths per year from various causes. If even a small percentage volunteered their... essence... for planetary defense..."

  Everyone turned to stare at the chart-buried magpie.

  "What?" she said defensively. "It's just data optimization. Waste not, want not."

  "That's..." South paused, running mental calculations. "That could actually work. Voluntary donation of souls at death. We'd need infrastructure, collection methods, but..."

  "Alternative solutions clearly exist," I said, shuddering internally at the prospect of grinding souls of the dying into tools. "You just never looked for them because your grandfather was stuck in his old patterns. Because you’re all the same thirty three souls, making the same dumb ass decisions on every world you infest.”

  North stared. South frowned.

  “Hang on. Do local bugs have souls?” I asked. “Do animals have souls? Do plants have souls?”

  South opened and closed her mouth. Her eyes bulged.

  “What, you’ve never considered harvesting mosquitoes, algae or cows to try to make a Philosopher’s Stone?” I asked, smiling under my mask at South’s shocked face. “See, this is what I’m talking about!”

  “You’re all squares!” Shady stated with a regal nod like she was the wisest person in the room.

  “Abyss Eternal. Compressed biomass… to create artifacts,” Nexxali muttered. “Slayer, Emperor. If this is how your world works then this is very, very dangerous knowledge. Knowledge that the Frontenachii high command cannot be allowed to gain, or they will build human and animal compressing factories here to mass produce artifacts.”

  "Say we agree to this insane plan of… compressing mosquitoes or whatever,” South huffed after a minute of contemplation. “What happens to me and North then?"

  “You get to live,” I said. “In my mansion. As statues. Maybe inside suits of armor. Or inside bear pelts. Thinking very slowly. Experimenting with bugs, thinking outside your boxes, understanding the nature of magic on my planet, making artifacts and thralls for me to confuse the Frontenachii with.”

  "The Scruts will smell us eventually," South pointed out.

  "Not if you're thinking like trees," I said. "Slower thought patterns, different frequency. They're looking for active crystalloid consciousness."

  "That's... really fucking weird," South admitted grudgingly. “But not stupid weird, if it works… I suppose.”

  North nodded.

  "I have my moments," I shrugged. "So, do we have a deal?"

  South looked at her sister, then at Shady's intimidating form, then back at me. "I want guarantees. Protection. Resources. A place to rebuild the family without getting fucked."

  "You'll get them," I said. "But in exchange, you share your knowledge. Help defend Earth. And absolutely no murdering or compressing humans into artifacts. Also, no moving faster than people or thinking faster than people."

  "Voluntary donations… thinking slower…" South pursed her lips. "This is going to be so weird explaining to Grandfather when he manifests."

  "If he manifests at all," I said. "Thinking slower might delay and interfere with such. Hell, what if you learn a new language and think only in that? Would your grandfather even understand you if you thought in binary code, for example?”

  “He’s in every crystalline cell. He knows what I know,” South said. “So he obviously would.”

  “Whatever,” I shrugged. “This agreement is with you as your family’s primary carrier and with North as an independent vampire. Do we have a pact? Will you join our circle as our… equals?"

  South was quiet for a minute. Then finally: "Yes. Fuck it. Yes. Thinking slower is… better than being melted down."

  “Is she being honest?” I turned to Shady.

  “Yes, vampire square is terrified of being unmade,” Shady said. “She will cooperate. North will cooperate even harder. She truly does not wish humans to die to make magic rocks.”

  "Excellent." I stood up, "Kawthy release South but keep her under surveillance. We have work to do."

  As the crystalline wall released the teenage vampire, I couldn't help but think I'd just made either the best or worst decision of my odd new career as Earth's self-appointed Emperor.

  Time would definitely tell which.

  “Shady, snip North off the chair,” I added. The Wendigo let go of the cat, stood up and snipped the ropes and chains with her claws, freeing North from her bindings.

  South rushed to North and hugged her fiercely. The two sisters wept into each other’s embrace.

  “North,” I said.

  “Yes… my Emperor?” The immortal goth asked submissively.

  “As the crystalloid who’s still mostly human, you’re in charge of your sister,” I said. "Keep her human. Help her remember what it's like to just... be a person."

  North looked uncertain, wiping sparkling tears from her face. "I don't know how to—"

  "Start with normal sister stuff," I suggested. "When was the last time you two just hung out? Watched a movie? Painted each other's nails? Had a pillow fight?"

  South scoffed. "We're ancient consciousness blooms, not—"

  "You're also teenage girls," I interrupted. "At least physically. And North works at a grocery store. She's been living as humanly as possible. Learn from her. Don't get bogged down in your collective, repetitive thoughts.”

  "SISTER BONDING CIRCLE!" Shady clapped. "Very important!”

  I looked back to the vampire sisters from the happy Wendigo. "Look, you're going to be living in my house. I'd rather have somewhat normal roommates than creepy undead consciousnesses plotting world domination in my basement."

  "We don't plot world domination," South protested. "We plot... survival, growth."

  “Being human is essential to your survival here!" I pointed out. "The Frontenachii are but a few. Their weapons aren’t vast in number, limited by how many vampires they’ve scraped from other worlds. We humans, on the other hand, fill this planet in the billions. If you wish to live here with us you must enjoy human things, become more aligned with humanity. North, what's something normal you've always wanted to do with your sister?"

  North bit her lip, looking at South shyly. "I... I…”