I heard more groaning protests in the background, presumably North trying to communicate through her broken jaw.

  "See? Useless vegetable sounds!" Shady announced proudly. "But I am EXCELLENT translator! Thought hook circle activate! Clarification circle: South, a vampire girl, sixteen years old forever. North’s younger and also older sister! She has THREE BUSINESS CATTLE TRUCKS! First truck: one hundred sleeping college humans in burial boxes! Second truck: one hundred more. Like presents but sad! Third truck: thirty dead-walking thralls with old guns! Bang bang circles! Very concerning fleet of death squares!"

  "Wait… North’s sister didn’t get nuked and she captured two hundred students?" I repeated. "Where is she?"

  "Amanda Park gas station!" Shady recited, switching to North’s voice for a moment. "South wants to put her grandfather consciousness in mine Emperor body! Make Emperor into vampire puppet! Very rude! Did not ask permission! No consent circles!"

  "How does she even know about me?"

  "North told her about necromancer Clifford before jaw correction! No, earlier… before she squared on porch with four thralls! I circle trick South that North captured you and your undead dog! Supposed to bring you in black car! But we are BEARS now! In forest! Being very bearish! Grr! But… Can we circle beep soon? Shady wants Emperor circle. Shady sad circle. Forest boring. Educational vampire latin progressing… but Shady… miss Ashy. Ashy… family.”

  The Wendigo knew exactly how to tug at my heartstrings.

  “Shady… I more or less sorted out the invader situation here. Want to meet me at Amanda Park gas station in a few hours then? Do you know how to use North’s GPS?”

  “Shady learn! Shady study North-thoughts hard for comprehension soup! Shady see Emperor at Amanda Park! YAY! No waiting, only circle BEEP!”

  I disconnected the call and stared at Kawathra and Nexxali, who had been shamelessly eavesdropping on my conversation with the Frontenachii Princess.

  "Right then, team. We have a new job to do," I announced. "There's a vampire with two hundred kidnapped college students and thirty thralls at Amanda Park gas station."

  Nexxali's golden eyes stared at me for a long, uncomfortable moment, her tail swishing.

  "Shady... Shady..." she muttered. "You... you're..."

  Her gaze snapped to Kawathra, who suddenly found my ceiling fan fascinating.

  "BIRD! You clearly KNOW things," Nexxali accused the magpie. "You know who he is!"

  "I know many things!" Kawathra chirped defensively. "I know that the optimal spreadsheet column width is 8.43 characters! I know that—"

  "She knows," I confirmed, cutting off what was sure to be a lengthy and irrelevant data rant. "It's fine, Nexy. We can discuss my various job titles later. Right now, we need to save college students from becoming vampire snacks."

  Nexxali's mouth opened and closed several times like a fish contemplating existential philosophy. "You're the fucking Emperor of Earth, you cheeky fuck!"

  "Among other things, yes," I shrugged. "Currently, I'm also a concerned citizen worried about his fellow humans. Let’s go. We're taking Corpse Seeker Kappa."

  Nexxali opened her mouth.

  "Vampire cleanup now, follow," I said firmly, heading for the stairs.

  We descended to find Galateya and Piotr engaged in a discussion about fantasy books and dragons.

  "—surface area to volume ratio would make flight impossible at that size—" Piotr was saying.

  "Magic," Galateya countered. "The answer is always magic. Real dragons have Syntropic hearts that allow them to bend reality, confusing gravity. The Elder dragons are harvested by the Frontenachii on doomed worlds to make Corpse Seeker engines and bodies.”

  "Hey," I interrupted. "We need to handle something. You two stay here, make yourselves comfortable. There's leftover salad in the fridge if you get hungry."

  "Where are you going?" Galateya asked, scales shifting to suspicious oranges.

  "Vampire pest control," Nexxali answered before I could. "Very routine. Definitely not taking your Royal consort on a dangerous mission!"

  Galateya's scales flashed red. "What?"

  "Ignore her," I said quickly. "She's still high on catnip. We'll be back in a few hours tops and we’ll be inside a Corpse Seeker."

  Before Galateya could protest further, I herded Nexxali and Kawathra outside to the crystalline tank.

  Once we'd climbed inside Kappa, I asked, "Is surveillance still disabled? This mission stays off the books."

  "Yep," Kawathra confirmed, talons igniting holographic interfaces. "Kappa is still disconnected from Weapon-Net.

  "The three of us were never here," Nexxali added, looking at me slyly. "Just like you definitely didn't win my heart by running me over, your majesty. Nope. None of that happened."

  "Good," I said, settling onto the crystalline-organic couch. "Kawthy, set course for Amanda Park gas station. Maximum speed. Full invisibility mode on."

  "Acknowledged!" the magpie declared. "Adjusting trajectory for maximum velocity.”

  The Seeker lurched forward.

  My phone buzzed. Again, North's number. I picked up.

  "EMPEROR!" Shady shouted. "Update circle! Currently twenty-one-point-seven-eight miles from gas station! Making excellent bear progress! North makes sad mmph sounds!"

  "Good work, Shady. We're en route too."

  "YAY! We? Emperor brings friends? New… circle members?"

  "Something like that."

  Nexxali leaned over, practically climbing into my lap to speak into the tablet. "Princess Aquillianne? Is that you?"

  "WHO DARES—oh! Voice circle! Who be?"

  This text was taken from Royal Road. Help the author by reading the original version there.

  “That's Marshal Nexxali,” I said.

  “Suspicious female! Better not be trying to square my circle.”

  “Dang.” Nexxali's tail twitched. "The Princess sounds worse than I do. And I'm high as fuck." She turned to me. "Does catnip work on Frontenachii Omnids?"

  I shrugged. "No idea. Never tested it."

  “No circling Emperor mine!” Shady demanded.

  “Yes, yes,” I said. “Relax, Princess. You’ll get to meet our newest entourage soon.”

  "Entourage? When Emperor find female entourage?"

  "We'll chat when I see you," I hung up on Shady, not wanting to explain my ridiculous morning house invasion over the phone.

  Through Kappa's view screens and transparent section, the forest blurred into green streaks. We covered the distance to Amanda Park in almost no time at all.

  "Target acquired," Kawathra announced as we crested a hill, summoning several screens. "One juvenile female crystalloid, approximately sixteen years of physical development. Three livestock transport vehicles. Multiple thrall signatures in vehicle three."

  Below us, zoomed in via one of the screens, a sixteen year old blonde teenager in flannel stood in the gas station parking lot, smoking a cigarette like she had all the time in the world.

  "Ramming speed," I ordered. “Don’t kill her, nor convert her, just absorb her. I need her alive for the interrogation.”

  “Can do,” Kawathra nodded.

  South must have had supernatural senses because she stared straight at us as we shot forward like a supersonic jet. Her eyes widened comically for a split second before—

  CRUNCH.

  The Seeker's maw opened and snapped shut around her like a massive, extra-aggressive Pac-Man. Her cigarette went flying as she was absorbed into the Seeker making a sound like someone stepping on bubble wrap.

  "Target neutralized," Kappa announced with satisfaction, waving a talon at the vampire girl currently suspended in one of the red, crystalline walls like a bug trapped in amber, mouth open wide in horror.

  "Now the thralls," I said.

  We plowed through one of the cattle trucks like it was made of cardboard and silly putty. Thirty reanimated corpses rapidly became one very compressed cube of former undead humanity, neatly packed into Kappa's storage compartment.

  “Zombie apocalypse handled!” Nexxali observed, grinning at the flesh cube through the Seeker's transparent wall. "He he. This gives us almost enough thralls to make up for my big fat mouth.”

  "Tidy," Kawathra agreed.

  I watched as Kawathra directed the Corpse Seeker to delicately peel apart the remaining livestock trucks like a kid opening Christmas presents. The crystalline appendages worked rapidly extracting coffin after coffin and laying them out on the grass in neat rows, snapping them open. It looked like the world's most morbid yard sale.

  I dialed 911 when she was done.

  "911, what's your emergency?"

  "Hi, yeah, I'm at Amanda Park off Highway 101. There are about two hundred college students in coffins here. They're alive but drugged. Pretty sure they were kidnapped from Olympic College residence halls."

  There was a long pause.

  "Sir, is this a prank call?"

  “No it isn’t. Check with the Olympic College campus for missing students.” I hung up.

  Another window manifested in the Seeker’s cabin in about twenty minutes of waiting. It displayed… a grisly, dark mass of bear bodies looming at the edge of the forest, staring at us with glowing silver eyes.

  "What in the Abyss is that?" Nexxali gasped, her tail puffing.

  "That," I said, "would be Princess Aquillianne. Kawthy, project my voice out.”

  “Done,” the magpie said.

  “Shades, we’re going to grab you,” I called out. “We’re in the Seeker!”

  “Yay!” The bear-mass waved a dark, clawed hand.

  Kappa's crystalline form stretched, rushing forward, mouth opening wide enough to accommodate the bear-monster. Shady barely had time to yelp before she was sucked inside along with her vampire-chair cargo.

  The moment the Seeker's walls resolidified, Shady was on me like a hurricane of fur, feathers and enthusiasm.

  "EMPEROR MINE!" She wrapped me in a hug that felt like I was attacked by a pile of bear corpses. The smell was truly horrendous. North turned her head, glaring at me with tear streaked eyes, jaw dislocated. A bear pelt was poorly draped around the miserable-looking vampire teen.

  "Shady, you're getting bear blood all over—"

  "BLOOD! Circle bear blood! Everything better with Emperor penguin!" She proceeded to smear more gore across my shirt with enthusiastic nuzzling.

  In the distance, I heard sirens. Another window flashed, summoned by our Datamancer, displaying police cars entering the parking lot.

  "Right, time to go," I announced. "Kawthy, take us to the other side of the lake."

  The Seeker shot off just as the first police cruiser crested the hill. I caught a glimpse of an officer's stunned face as he surveyed two hundred coffins laid out like dominoes before we plowed across the lake, directly over the waves, the Corpse Seeker moving faster than the water could swallow us.

  We emerged on the far shore of Lake Quinault, the Seeker settling onto a small beach surrounded by towering pines. Everyone piled out, escaping from the extra-smelly princess.

  "Princess Aquillianne," I said formally, "may I introduce Marshal Commandant Nexxali and Datamancer Kawathra."

  Shady, draped in six bears like some kind of apocalyptic fashion disaster, tilted her head at them, pulling off her chair with North. Her silver eyes narrowed suspiciously.

  "Cat circle," she declared, pointing at Nexxali. "Trying to steal Emperor?"

  "What? No!" Nexxali protested. "I mean, I—"

  "UNACCEPTABLE!" Shady's antlers lowered threateningly. "Emperor belongs to Princess circle! I have DIBS! Ancient dibs!”

  “Ancient dibs?” the serval blinked.

  “Thirteen-year-old dibs!"

  "Thirteen years?" Kawathra's head snapped toward me, talons clicking. "You've really known the Princess for thirteen years? That completely changes my probability matrices regarding—"

  "Bird circle talks too much," Shady interrupted, then turned to study Kawathra more closely. "Pretty black-rainbo feathers though. Acceptable. Can join circle maybe. After probation. Many tests!"

  "Tests?" Kawathra squeaked.

  "Yes! First test: Do you think Emperor is best Emperor?"

  "Obviously," Kawathra said without hesitation, probably thinking about my supposed divine status. “I am an Arch-Datamancer and I assure your excellence that…”

  "Bird! Second test: Can you make spreadsheets about Emperor's excellence?"

  "I... yes? I already created extensive data visualizations about—"

  "Do you wish to lick and paw Emperor mine?"

  "No, my Lady, I already have a local consort I'd like to—"

  "ACCEPTABLE BIRD!" Shady declared. "You pass! Welcome to circle! Cat still VERY suspicious though." She glared at Nexxali.

  "I have a collar from Ash," Nexxali offered desperately, pointing at the pink collar with black hearts. "See? That means we're… friends!"

  Shady's eyes went wide. She spun to face me, bears swaying dramatically. "EMPEROR COLLARED OTHER FEMALES?!"

  I considered my actions. “She was being uncooperative, so I… claimed her.”

  "Very suspicious! Must investigate thoughts!" She leaned in close to Nexxali, sniffing intensely.

  The catgirl trembled slightly as Shady’s eyes flashed brilliant silver.

  “You... like him!” Shady concluded. “A lot. Pawing desires detected! Death now or later?”

  “He… I’m his hostage!” The serval fell to her knees. “Don’t kill me! I... I belong to your kobold Administrator, Princess!”

  Shady sniffed the cat girl again, silver eyes slitted. “Hrmmmm… you do seem devoted. Still. Pawing circle mine not acceptable. Almost murdering Ashy too, not acceptable.”

  “I didn’t… I didn’t know,” the serval’s eyes filled with tears. “I swear. I thought him a mundane human! I didn’t know that he’s your property, my Lady! He never told me that!”

  Shady’s glare fired in my direction.

  "Shady, you need to wash off. You're covered in… bears,” I said.

  “You told me to dress beartastic, Ash!” Shady growled, advancing on me. “You send me to forest… while you circle with cat! Cat who like you too much for reasonability! You... you smell of dragon blood bond too! Death now or later?”

  I opened my mouth but before I said anything dark claws closed around me.

  "I..." I let out. "Shady..."

  "So you have chosen death," she concluded.

  Up became down and then up and down again. I was flying, spinning through the air.

  Serval and magpie shocked faces flashed in the distance before the chilling impact.