A horde of frozen zombies lunge out of the darkness of the ice caves, intent on killing all four of us.

  

  Frostbiters lvl2 Undead

  With lips the color of windshield washer fluid, these space zombies’ mouths instantly bind to living flesh like a tongue to a frozen flagpole. Once they latch on, they won’t let go until you kill them… like herpes, but colder.

  I heft my frying pan. “Okay, Rex. Sic ‘em!”

  Rex smiles and steps into the darkness with his gigantic laser axe. As he beheads one zombie then another, Pepper stuns one that gets too close. Rincewind blasts the horde with the area-of-effect version of his Alacazam spell. I pop one with my Kaboomerang, wondering how many more ghouls are coming.

  Rincewind was right, the ice mountain is infested with more zombies than Wal-Mart on Black Friday. We are only a hundred yards into the ice cave and we’ve already killed seven hordes. Frostbiters are not worth much XP individually, but there are always at least a dozen, and we rack up experience slowly but surely.

  I wasn’t sure it would work, but I got around the payment rules by having Rex join my party, then I accepted Rincewind’s invite to join his party, and we all came bundled for 6 mil. The EmpathyEngine warnings stopped when we accepted the offer, but I can feel the HR program fuming, outplayed at its own game. It doesn’t offer any advice on being nice to Rincewind; there’s no money in brown-nosing a grinder. I get the feeling EmpathyEngine would prefer we all die, but it will need more than zombies to kill us.

  Convinced my new party has the rest of this combat under control, I go back to looking at the applicants on Pepper’s chalkboard.

  Over a hundred people have applied to the party since Rince put out the word on a social media platform called RiftCord. F2P grinders usually don’t have access to LivingLegends, so Rex and I are a big draw. Unsurprisingly, the most popular feature of the new group is the opportunity to be on a team with Pepper.

  A zombie tries to bite me, but Pepper casts Mirror Mirror and the ghoul gnaws itself to death. “How about her?” Pepper cheerily points at the next candidate on her chalkboard, Player #1,501,156: a woman with Gatling guns for arms. “Can she come to our party?”

  “She’s level 4, that’s good.” Rincewind looks over my shoulder as he lets fly another Alacazam. “And her weapon scores are great.”

  “No.” I shake my head. “She’s near Atlanta, we’ve already have the Eastern time zone covered.”

  My plan is designed for the ultimate grind. Gamers like Rincewind might play for several hours a day, but that still guarantees I spend most of my time in a fugue state, and I’m not interested in losing another 8 days. The problem is that LivingLegends can only be active when our party is online. No party, no grind.

  My solution: create a party spread out in different time zones all over the world.

  When one player goes to sleep, the next one logs on and keeps us online. That way, we keep farming XP to level everyone up, including ourselves. Most importantly, Pepper can grind Hype posts around the clock… and keep Rex and me out of the Placebo Protocols.

  So far, my rotating roster of wizards has Rincewind in Korea, a Death Sorceress in Dubai, a Pyromancer in England, and a Chaos Mage (whatever that is) in Ohio. One time zone left to go, and we’ll have the whole world divided into 5 parts.

  Then we can grind 24/7.

  It’s a pretty damn good scheme if I say so myself.

  Rex is having the time of his life, smashing every Frostbiter he sees. I prang one with the Kaboomerang just to feel like I’m helping, but the space barbarian’s got this zombie mob covered without us.

  “OK, what about her?” Pepper gestures to the next prospective player, a Battle Warlock from Alaska.

  “Veto.” Rincewind shakes his head. “She doesn’t even have a RiftTok account. She’s not going to get views. Next.”

  Rince is a good addition to the team; despite the lazy first impression, the kid is smart and willing to work. He recognizes the gift he’s been given and wants to make the most out of it while it lasts. He doesn’t just want XP, he wants something he calls “clout”, which, as far as I can tell, is something like gamer street cred. He wants the views, which is fine by me. The more popular our team members are, the more Hype points I’ll get.

  Rex splits the last Frostbiter down the middle. “Whoo!”

  

  VICTORY!

  Murder Payday! +158.4*XP ea. | 12 gold ea.

  *Plan Comes Together +10% XP

  My A-Team skills are starting to come into their own. With the RiftElite, it was always a bunch of me-first bros, but once Rince, Rex, Pepper, and I started acting like a team, we got the Plan Comes Together XP bonus for coordinated play, which is a helpful boost. The upgraded version gives us +10% to damage, accuracy, and the effectiveness of Rince’s and Pepper’s spells. We’re also getting off more Hannibal’s Gambit combat combos the more we work together.

  This is almost starting to look like a real team.

  “There,” I point at the next applicant on Pepper’s chalkboard. “Hawaii. That’s perfect.”

  Rincewind nods at the player stats. “Level 4. She’s a Rune Witch, too.”

  I glance at Rince. “Is that cool?”

  “Don’t say cool, you sound like whoever programmed you is a Boomer.” Rincewind shakes his head. “It’s fire.”

  “It’s fire, Dave!” Pepper claps. “We have a fire team!”

  “Okay, bring Hawaii on board.”

  Rincewind clicks the Accept button.

  

  Limit Reached! Your [5-Player] party is now full. Please give it a name.

  “I‘ve got something for this.” Rince begins typing.

  Okay. I take a breath. Here we go. “Get them all here as soon as you can, Rince. I want to talk to everybody at the same time, even if it’s just for five minutes. Can you do that?”

  I hear Rincewind’s keyboard clacking through his microphone. “On it.”

  “Pshew!” Rex wipes zombie blood off his laser axe. “I’m hungry!”

  I eye him. “Did you already run out of California Rolls in your quickbar?”

  “No, I just like it when she feeds me.” Rex goes to one knee and pops open his mouth like a baby bird. Pepper tosses in a California Roll and kisses his cheek like a mom. The barbarian makes a nommy sound as his Health bar recovers. “You’re the best. Thanks Party Pepper.”

  “You’re welcome, Tankpocalypse Rex!”

  Pepper’s doing great. She started receiving something called Focus Shards in her loot, which restore a Psi point, kind of like the Mana potions that restore Rince’s wizard points. Pepper isn’t using them, letting her Psi points regenerate naturally, but she’s got half a dozen shards in reserve for when we get in trouble.

  Reading on Amazon or a pirate site? This novel is from Royal Road. Support the author by reading it there.

  I make sure our path to the cave exit is still open, marked in neon flares. “Okay, same plan. We’ve got another 20 California Rolls, which should last us a while. If we bump into something we can’t handle, we run. No hero sh!t, right?”

  “Right,” they answer as one. I’m not worried about Rincewind; if he dies, he loses a few bucks. Rex and I are both at two hearts, and I want to keep it that way. But Pepper’s the one who makes me nervous. I don’t know what happens if she dies; she doesn’t conform to normal rules. Maybe she respawns and maybe she doesn’t, but I don’t want to find out.

  We get an extra combo during our next attack. Rincewind and Rex develop a specialty move called Axakazam that does double damage. On the fourth round, Pepper’s Imaginagerie produces a squad of red-assed goats that draw aggro, and we wipe out the next mob before they even attack us.

  Then we discover the source of the Frostbiter horde.

  The site is a huge crystal cathedral within the mountain, a scintillating edifice of ice. Inside the glistening cave, hundreds of zombies mill around a bunch of hairy undead trolls twice as big as the Frostbiters. Periodically, one of the undead trolls picks up a zombie and gobbles it down. In the center of the cathedral is a glowing pad that flashes magic every few minutes and produces a new Frostbiter.

  “It’s a mob spawner.” Rincewind whispers. “If we can destroy it, we can clear this place out.”

  “Yeah, but what about those troll things?” Rex grunts. “I don’t like the look of those.”

  I shake my head. “I don’t want to—”

  

  You Are Under Attack!

  I hear the thing before I see it, a shrieking wail that shivers my spine. The undead troll was hiding above us, disguised within the ice ceiling until now.

  

  Yeti or Not lvl11 Undead

  I don’t think you’re ready for this Yeti. Some say it began its career as a performing circus freak, but had to quit because it was an abominable showman. Fear Attack + Avalanche Attack

  “Hells bells.” Zombie Kong jumps down on us like a frozen bomb and we’re all blown off our feet. Claws rip through the air like buzzsaws and suddenly it feels like we’re inside a meat grinder. Rex gets hit first, then me, for a quarter damage. Then it hits Pep.

  She cries out and goes down. “Aigh!”

  I snatch her in my arms and escape before anyone can blink. “Run!!!” After 21 steps, my Parkour Pulse kicks in, and I’m suddenly moving faster than Usain Bolt. Worried, I pop one of my California Rolls in her mouth. “Pep? You okay?”

  “Owie!” Pep is back to 95% health, nothing more hurt than her feelings. “That Yeti is so mean!”

  I see the exit and slow down. I have outdistanced Rex and Rincewind way too quickly. I have to go back for them, but I’m not taking Pepper. I slide the penguin out of the exit on her belly like I’m an Olympic curler and she’s the stone. She slides, giggling. “Whee!”

  “Do like we planned! I’m going back for them.”

  “Okay! Be careful!”

  My Air Jordans skid ice chips as I change directions and sprint back toward Rex and Rince. The undead Yeti chases them, slamming its fists into the walls, dropping mini-avalanches to slow their escape.

  

  Abomilanche!

  DEBUFFS: Speed -50% | Knockback 10’

  Knocked off their feet, Rex and Rince hit the ground. The Yeti screams a caterwauling wail, terrifying enough to make anyone crap their pants.

  

  PARTY DEBUFF: Fear

  You’ve got cold feet! 0 movement + 0 attacks for :60/.5 Stamina

  Crap on a crap cracker. None of us can move. My feet are locked in place. Rincewind and Rex are paralyzed in fear directly beneath the Yeti; it will tear them apart before the debuff wears off.

  Come on. Please don’t make me do this.

  The Yeti screams again, victorious. It reaches for Rex to pick him up and gobble him down.

  “G§ddamnnit.” I lift my T-shirt and expose my belly. “F#ck it. Let’s get this over with.” I take a breath and scream at the top of my lungs.”HEY YOU GUYS!!”

  As they turn to look, I squinch up my face and heave my belly up and down as fast as I can. It wobbles crazily as my fat ripples like an out-of-control water bed flopping down a set of stairs.

  

  Truffle Shuffle

  +75% Fear Resistance

  PARTY DEBUFF: Fear

  Rex and Rincewind start laughing as my belly jiggles. Even the Yeti guffaws, pointing at my flabalanche gut and giggling. Humiliated, I yell at them. “Move, dammit!”

  Laughing, Rex and Rince run past me toward the exit. I throw my Kaboomerang into the ceiling and drop my own avalanche on the Yeti. I turn and bail for the exit. The wizard and the barbarian make it out into the sunlight before me; I’m the last one through. “Now!” I yell.

  Pepper pulls the rope and drops the giant ice boulder in front of the cave. The four of us set up the deadfall as a failsafe before we entered, and I’m glad we did. The boulder slams down in front of the exit, sealing off the Yeti. It screams, enraged, but it can’t break its way out.

  Rincewind and Rex are rolling on the ground laughing like a pair of idiots. Pepper eyes them. “What? What’s funny? Guys?”

  I tuck my shirt back in, humiliated. “Don’t. Say. Anything.”

  They can’t. They’re too busy laughing.

  “What happened?”

  “Nothing, Pep. Nothing.” I zip my jacket up, my face red. “Hey! Tankpocalypse! You still got any of those Embiggen potions?”

  “Ha—yeah, I—ha!” Rex struggles to get himself under control. “I’ve got three or four left.”

  “Good.” The zombie caves have given me an idea that might solve a few more problems. And I’ll do anything right now to make them forget the Truffle Shuffle.

  I pop two shovels out of my inventory and throw them at the wizard and the barbarian. “Get digging.”

  ***

  Two hours later, we have the first meeting of our round-the-world party, which Rincewind has branded the Night Shift. We gather around the entrance of the cave, right next to our freshly dug pit, which is covered with a snowy tarp.

  All the new party members, two girls and two boys, are some kind of magic-user, and all of them are dressed in crazy, colorful getups that look like they belong in separate universes, a motley crew if there ever was one. All of them sound like they’re thirteen.

  “Listen up!” I shout in my best substitute teacher voice. “We’re all here for the same reason. To grind, level up, and get a million views.” They all smile at that. “The three of us…” I gesture to Pepper and Rex. “...will keep you earning 24/7. All you have to do is show up on time for your shift.”

  “The Night Shift.” Rincewind reminds them. He’s stupidly proud of the name, probably because it’s the first time he’s ever been in charge of anything.

  “Miss a day, and you’re out. We don’t have time for slackers.” I raise a finger. “But if you stick to the schedule… we’ll take the Leaderboard from the RiftElites and make you grinder gods. Deal?”

  “Deal!” they all shout back. If only my real students were half so excited about the Revolutionary War.

  “So what’s the strat?” Asks the new Rune Witch from Hawaii, tagged Hang Ten. “Just go into the caves and start farming?”

  “No. We’ve got bigger strat than that.”

  “Like what, mate?” MatchStickMick, the British Pyromancer cocks an eyebrow.

  Queen WaqWaq, the Death Sorceress from Dubai, tilts her head. “Yeah, how are we going to get XP?”

  I turn to our wizard. “Rincewind?” He smiles, lifts his palms, and unleashes an OP Alakazam at the ice boulder. It shatters into pieces and disintegrates, revealing the Yeti and a dozen Frostbiters. They run at us screaming. The Night Shift leaps to their feet, terrified.

  I yank the tarp off the pit, revealing my masterpiece.

  Rincewind’s coffee-can drone, Ghost, reacted well to Rex’s Embiggen potions. It lies at the bottom of the pit with all the safety gear removed, a fifteen-foot fan spinning at 10,000 rpm.

  

  Ghost Grinder

  It’s not fair, it’s not nice, it’s a giant Cuisinart. As effective as it is disgusting, this deathtrap would make every OSHA safety inspector within 500 miles quit on the spot.

  The Yeti runs through the exit in a frenzied rage and is the first to fall into the hole. WHOOMPH—it’s sucked down into the rotor wash. In a millisecond, the zombie giant is liquefied into a strawberry daiquiri. Red spray flies out all around the rim of the hole as Yeti slurry drips down the side. The Frostbiters charge in after the Yeti and meet the same fate as arms, legs, and heads are churned to frothy zombie purée.

  Murder Payday lights up our HUDs as everyone in the Night Shift gets a percentage of the kill.

  “Help!” Pepper yells into the cave from outside the pit lip, trying not to giggle. “My leg is broken! Oh no! I don’t think I can escape!”

  Another horde of zombies emerges, hungry for blood, and is instantly whipped into a delicious ice-blended XP smoothie.

  “Meet the Night Shift Auto-Grinder!” I gesture at my zombie-chopper. “There’s a respawn point right inside, so we should get a few dozen of these things every hour.”

  “Free XP! That slaps.” Hang Ten Hawaii exclaims as Queen Dubai yells, “No cap!”

  Another group of Frostbiters falls into the spinning drone blades. “You guys should all be up a level or two by the end of the day.”

  I wait for the system to stop me. It stays silent.

  For now.

  “Now.” I slap my hands together. “Let’s get to work on our ship.”