A giant sperm whale the size of an ocean liner hangs in midair as beams of sunlight and the swirling maelstrom of the RiftStorm fill the world behind it, a perfect homescreen for any phone in the world. Moby hangs in the air longer than he has any right to, a giant pale dong in the sky. Camera drones swarm it, buzzing and circling, fighting for the best angle.
MOBY DICK: Sponsored by the Chubb Group
Level 101 Leviathan
Hold on to your panties, boys and girls! Armed with enough firepower to take out the Spanish Armada, Moby Dick is guaranteed to drag you down to Davey Jones’ Locker. Don’t try to fight it, Moby likes makin’ holes!
Music rattles the sky as if every storm cloud holds a concert stadium speaker.
? “Head Like a Hole” — Nine Inch Nails (1989) ?
I see a thousand harpoons sticking from Moby’s sides as he hangs in midair like a rocket that forgot to launch.
Sudden Deathmatch: Battle Royale!
Active Players: 172,550
Aye-aye, Queequeg! Thar she blows! Face Moby Dick head-to-head until only the last man, woman, or team is standing, or until there’s nothing left of you but a floating slick of chum! I’d wish you good luck, but let’s face it, you’re screwed, Ahab!
This is the E/I programming they’ve been promoting since the game began? Millions of dollars in government grants, all to pretend they’re teaching Herman Mellville.
I read the book when I was in school; it represents man’s failed hunt for meaning. It’s weirdly appropriate because I can’t imagine this whole spectacle being more meaningless.
Time starts again and the whale plummets for the surface.
Moby’s Big Load
Look out! You’re about to discover what happens when the big boy comes in headfirst! Act of God or act of Dick? You be the judge!
You have to hand it to RiftBorn: they know their audience. 14-year-old boys and dick jokes go together like peanut butter and jelly. Probably not Melville’s original intent.
The whale hits the sea like a bomb. Tsunamis radiate out from the impact zone in walls of water the size of skyscrapers. I watch twenty boats in front of us get engulfed by the splash zone. Ships don’t sink—they come apart. Wood, metal, bodies, all torn loose and scattered like confetti. The Quacken is swept up into the wave and thrown a quarter mile.
When the water finally settles, the ocean is empty where the fleet used to be.
Active Players: 4,850
Holy crap. Nearly everyone is dead. The armada is nothing but toothpicks.
“Whee!” Pepper giggles as we ride the wave. “It’s a water park!”
The entire fleet just stares at the carnage.
Charge!
You must attack Moby Dick! Put the white whale down, or you will be destroyed!
RiftElite boats surge forward. Terrified, I jam forward the throttle of the Quacken and head right for the damn whale. If it jumps again, we’re all dead. Moby turns toward us and lowers its head as if to charge. Suddenly, the thing’s blowhole erupts in a white geyser.
Blowhole Backfire
You’re not the only one with a weapon itching to go off! Moby’s blowhole is filled with pent-up acidic aggression. Sorry about that thing that used to be your skin!
I grab Pepper and throw myself behind a crate as white foam blows across the deck like a typhoon of soap bubbles filled with hydrochloric acid. One of the Trolls gets caught out in the open and I watch him dissolve to meat slurry. What’s left of him hits the smoking deck in a wet wad the size of a dishrag.
“Oh no!” Pepper screams. “Chad melted!”
I check over my shoulder to see the rest of the pirate armada in taters and slag. Some of the RiftElite ships like the Quacken were strong enough to resist the spray, but every non-Elite is gone. RiftBorn isn’t going to let this win go to a team that isn’t paying for the privilege.
All the Davids have fallen to Goliath.
The RiftStorm swirls around us, sucking the ocean into the sky. Text ignites in the purple lightning.
All F2P Players Eliminated!
Active Players: 1321
Live Views: 3.1 Million
Three million? Whoever wins this battle will have HypePoints to spare. I can only imagine what Pepper’s MemeQueen skill could do with that kind of audience. I glance at the RiftStorm, knowing it’s now or never. I spin the deckwheel and steer right for the pale Leviathan. “Fire!”
The Quacken and a score of RiftElite ships let loose a barrage of thunder on the white whale. Most cannonballs bounce off its tough skin or detonate on the harpoons that cover it like porcupine quills, but some get through. Boom-boom-boom! They explode along the thing’s side as it wails in pain. Still firing, the remaining ships close the distance, encircling it.
Moby takes a giant breath. But this time the whale inflates like a balloon at a children’s party. I watch the harpoons in its side quiver with anticipation. Oh no…
Harpoontang
Many sturdy seamen have tried to kill Moby Dick over the years! You weren’t the first, and you won’t be the last. Moby Dick can take everything you throw at him and use it for revenge.
Harpoons explode out of the whale’s body like shrapnel from a grenade. Forty boats are ripped to pieces, shredded in the barrage. Several harpoons ricochet off the Quacken, but one sticks in its blue eye. A squeee shrieks through the hole as the Quacken starts losing air.
The tale has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the violation.
“She’s sinking!” Pepper shrieks. “Big ducky is sinking!”
“We have to get to the whale!” One of the Trolls shoves me out of the way. He grabs the throttle and charges directly into Moby’s flank, where the deflating duck pecks the whale’s side with a sagging beak. Instantly, Moby turns.
Dick Slap
A whole new meaning to the term splash damage. Bye-bye!
I see the big white tail rise from the water. I have half a second to grab Pepper and dive overboard as the slap hits. The Quacken is smashed into a million pieces as the tail goes through it. The sheer force blows the Critical Trolls into orbit.
I hit the water with Pepper in tow. We come up to watch the remains of the Quacken spray into the water around us. “Oh no! Ducky!” Pepper squeaks.
One last cosplay Troll stands atop the Quacken’s head as it sinks, his hand over his heart, delivering Ahab’s final soliloquy: “From hell’s heart, I stab at thee; for hate’s sake, I spit my last breahublub—” and sinks beneath the waves.
Team [Critical Troll] Eliminated
“Sh§t!” How am I supposed to win without a team? The RiftStorm is so close I can smell the ozone, feel the crackle of the death magic inside. There’s nothing else to do but keep fighting.
As more RiftElite ships come broadsides with Moby, I swim for it. Pepper is better in the water than me, and she hauls me there like a little tugboat. I grab one of the harpoons and pull myself onto the side of the whale.
Sudden Deathmatch: Final Round!
Any player who does not do significant damage to Moby Dick every 15 seconds will be sucked into the RiftStorm.
RiftElite boats that have been hanging back realize their error. They try to attack, but they’re too far away to reach Moby in time, and the RiftStorm engulfs them in swirling tendrils of purple nightmare as their ships disinetegrate in the darkness.
Active Players: 48
Live Views: 4.3 Million
I recognize some of the remaining boats. I was on one of them a few minutes ago. The Ampersand Twins livestream the fight as they blast the whale with their rifles. Moby rears up and lands right on top of them. The Twins scream as their boat is crushed under the Leviathan. I see the notification blink, marking the team Eliminated.
Not knowing what else to do, I climb the harpoons onto the whale’s back.
I smack at it with the Kaboomerang. The explosions blow off some outer layers of blubber, but I’m only doing enough damage to stay in the game, not enough to kill it. There are only two ships left attacking; the rest of the armada is toast. On one of the boats, I see Anna S shouting commands at her team. Several players blast at the white whale with cannons and laser rifles, accomplishing nothing.
“Pep!” I scream, out of options. “Do you have anything?”
“Maybe we can make friends with him!” Pepper grabs hold of the whale and hugs it. “Hi buddy! How are you feeling?”
I climb up the harpoons to Moby’s head. Looking down, I see the mammoth tail come down on one of the boats and Dick Slap it into oblivion. Only Anna’s team remains. They charge at the whale and I hear a hurricane-strength rush of air rip by me. Moby is sucking air into his blowhole, getting ready for another Frothy Seaman attack.
There’s no way any of us can survive. Anna’s boat is a smoking wreck, half her team is dead, and I’ve got nothing to hide behind. This whale is going to kill us all and there’s nothing I can do about it.
Unless...
I swap my Kaboomerang for another item in my inventory and run at the blowhole. Praying this works, I throw myself into the suction of air, land on my gut beside the blowhole, and slam down my new item.
Butt Plug
You plugged Moby’s hole!
HukK! Moby’s blowhole is jammed shut as my sabot sinks into it like a wine cork. Interrupted mid-geyser, his entire body jerks, like it’s just been caught in the middle of a sneeze. Anna and her team take advantage of the opening and blast an armory of weapons down its throat, killing it from the inside.
Badge Unlocked! John Stockton
You made a critical assist at a critical moment! No one will remember you, but at last you’ll have this badge!
Thoom! My sabot isn’t enough to contain the rage-geyser. It pops and explodes into the air. I’m shot backward as acid bubbles spray all over my body.
Live Views: 4.5 Million
I watch my flesh melt off as I fly through the air, my Health dropping fast: 30%… 10%… 1%...
You Are Dead.
The world winks out, and everything goes black.
Bloop-Blip! I fall from the sky and land in the water.
EmpathyEngine?: You Are Eliminated!
You did not encourage your RiftElite team to victory. Your failure is the cause of their failure. Please stand by for LivingLegend status reassessment. Reputation -5
I can't move, paralyzed like I’m in the Icebox, but there’s no pain. Just the slow realization that I lost.
My RiftBorn experience is done. From the sound of it, the EmpathyEngine’s about to kick me out permanently. Game over, man, game over.
Well, I tried to break those HumanAsset shitheels, dammit. At least I did that much.
“Dave!” Something speeds through the water toward me like a little black-and-white torpedo. Pepper’s face pops out of the water with a smile. “There you are! I thought you were dead!”
“I think I am.” I flick my inventory and suddenly we’re back where we started: inside Boaty MacBoatface. It wobbles listlessly in the sea as I collapse in a pool of my own blood.
“No!” Pepper cuddles against my chest. For once, I don’t mind. “No! You’re fine!”
While the white whale recovers from its spasms, I watch Anna’s team jam some gigantic device down Moby’s throat. I realize it’s a giant oxygen tank the size of a small boat. As Moby chews on it, Anna’s team levels their guns at the tank.
I grin. “Smile, you son of a b—”
Ka-Boom! The tank explodes like it’s made of nitroglycerine, and Moby is sent to Heaven in fishy chunks. Its head blows in two separate directions. Blood sprays into the sky as Moby Dick, the great white whale, sinks into the waves and disappears into the depths.
As Anna’s team cheers, everything freezes, locked in a tableau of the exploding whale. Time halts. Even the RiftStorm stops for a moment.
World Deathmatch Complete!
Moby Dick goes down for the last time! Literature credit satisfied!
Anna’s team disappears and the world reanimates.
I watch the RiftStorm collapse on us, destroying the world as it comes. The sun itself disappears into the storm. Purple tentacles rend the remains with savage ferocity. The death I’ve been dreading has come.
I’m not ready for it to be over. I don’t want to die. I really don’t.
I try to mutter a prayer, but I can’t think of what to say. Mercifully, everything goes black before the storm reaches me.
The world has been destroyed.
Silence.
Well… so much for me.
The voice of God echoes across the universe.
Apparently he’s not done with me yet.
Congratulations [Diamond Doublers]!
You are the victors of the World Deathmatch and have earned the Unique Black Salt Corsairs Pirate Crown!
For everyone else, thank you for playing RiftBorn: Black Salt Corsairs! Pardon our dust while we allocate your points, adjust the Leaderboard, and stock the CoinRiver with brand new items as we set the stage for… Season 2!
Be sure to purchase your RiftBorn Season 2 Battle Pass for RiftElite status, premium access, and discounts at KFC, T-Mobile, & RageNectar – Drink Haaaard!
RiftBorn Reboot: Season 2 Live in 36 hours
“Wait.” I straighten in the bathtub. “There’s a Season 2?”