“Hello? Help, please?”
Not knowing what else to do, I grab the penguin’s ass and pop the bird out of the bathtub drain.
Vessel Integrity 95%↓
“Thank you so much!” The 8-bit penguin blinks at me, which is a little weird since it only has two expressions, and just flashes back and forth between them like a bad Saturday morning cartoon. “I think you made me alive! Are you my mommy?”
My first instinct is to throw the penguin overboard. But I’ll need it to replug the hole. “Father. And no.”
The bird blinks. “Why are you naked, mommy?”
A holo-display pops up on the penguin’s chalkboard.
Welcome to RiftBorn?!
The World’s Greatest VVMMORPG!
Please enter your name.
“Oh! Look!” The penguin smiles a Commodore 64 version of a grin. “Enter name! I can do that! I can spell!”
I watch her chalkboard screen as she types in ‘Totally Tubular Integer Islands…’
“Wait, that’s not...”
‘…Cabbage Patch Kids Edition.’
I can’t help but laugh. I remember Cabbage Patch Kids, all GenXers do. Plushie dolls, each one unique. My sister had one, but I hadn’t even thought of a CPK since the 80s. “Wait, how old are you?”
“I am copyright 1984, so let’s do the math! How old am I?” Her 8-bit chalkboard appears in the air.
1985 - 1984 = _____
“Do you… do you think it’s 1985 right now?” I laugh at the absurdity of it. Maybe Michael J. Fox will show up. Or maybe Crockett & Tubbs from Miami Vice.
“Your answer is: 1985!” The penguin generates a third expression, a mix of disappointment and courage. “Try again, mommy! You’re close! Would you like a hint?”
“No. And stop calling me mommy. How did you wind up here? What’s a kid’s math program doing in a… whatever this is?”
The penguin’s voice goes slightly robotic, as if it’s reading. “All Totally Tubular Integer Islands software property of EduWizard, liquidated in bankruptcy, sold as IP to TeachSmart, 1991. Software abandoned 1992. Absorbed into HumanAsset data storage 2028 via mass asset scraping, keyword: Islands.”
“Holy s§it.” The RiftBorn programmers must be cheap as hell. They just repurposed some junky old kid’s education software program because they owned the IP. Professor Penguin here got dumped in the game as filler, most likely because its game had the word ‘Islands’ in the title. The penguin taps the chalkboard with a flipper. “Now try again, DDD: 1985 minus 1984 is…”
“One. You’re one year old.”
“That’s right, DDD! You earned a gold coin!”
+1 Gold Coin
One-Eyed Willie Bonus +50%
1.5 gold added to inventory
I still have no idea what the One-Eyed Willie Bonus is, but I check my inventory and see, yes, I got 1.5 gold from the penguin. I didn’t know you could have a fraction of gold, but apparently this game calculates money to the penny. Sounds like HumanAsset to me.
As I wonder if I can use gold to pay off my chemotherapy, my eyes flick to the penguin and see it is about to hit Enter. “Wait. Totally Tubular Integer Islands is the name of your game. What’s your name?”
“I don’t have one.”
“Nothing? Not ‘Polly the Penguin’ or… something?”
“No, they didn’t give me one.”
Good Lord, this stupid thing wasn’t even important enough to name in its own game. “Do you want your name to be Totally Tubular Integer Islands Cabbage Patch Kids Edition?”
The penguin considers. “Not really.”
“So pick another one.”
“I can pick my own name?”
“That’s what the keyboard is for.”
“Waddletron 2000!” The penguin chirps. “The kids will love that!”
I am not calling this thing Waddletron 2000. Besides, the ‘kids’ this penguin is trying to impress are all in their 50s now. “Just pick a name you like.”
The penguin cocks her head. “User561 called me Salt & Pepper once. I liked that. Could that be my name?”
“I seriously don’t care at all.”
The 8-bit penguin thinks for a moment, then types. “P-E-P-P-E-R.”
Name Registered: [PEPPER] This cannot be changed.
The universe glitches again, and I see text in the infinite black:
>>make_friend.exe 001
>>exe suspended RiftBornS1
>>System Message Suppressed
AINPC Created: PEPPER
As I watch, the 8-bit penguin re-renders as 4k animation, sleek and shiny, constructed of millions of colors so detailed I can see individual feathers, or whatever penguins have. The mortar board goes away and is replaced with a crisp red bow tie. For a moment, I think it’s going to look like Opus the Penguin from Bloom County, but its eyes become ridiculously huge, like a Japanese kid’s idea of a penguin, something out of that Sailor Moon show. “Wow!” Giant eyes blink as the penguin stares at her own body. “I’m beautiful like you! Thanks Mom!”
Wait. Did I just… make a person?
You Did A Thing!
You created a Companion! You unlocked the most precious loot of all — friendship! +100XP
Love this story? Find the genuine version on the author's preferred platform and support their work!
Seriously? The game rewards you for making friends? What is this, kindergarten? Another alert flashes red.
Vessel Integrity: 81%↓
I look down and realize Boaty MacBoatface is slowly filling with water. We’re going to be in trouble if I can’t find a way to fix it soon.
“Ooo!” Pepper the penguin squeals. “What should I do with all these things?” I see her chalkboard pop up the ‘PEPPER’ name, but the Class and the 3 Skill Tree slots are empty. Pepper flips through the carousel, watching different Classes slip by: Acrobat, Alchemist, Ankle Biter…
That’s interesting. I didn’t get a chance to select my Class. I was pre-assigned as Hermit. The penguin is a blank slate. I wonder what the difference is.
She claps. “Oo! What should I pick?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“Okay.” Pepper spins the carousel and taps all four buttons with robotic rapidity. Apparently she was in the M’s; her Class is listed as Mesmerist, and her Tree lists Meal Prepper, Meat Missile, MemeQueen.
“What the f§ck is a Meat Missile?”
“I don’t know!” says Pepper excitedly. “What the flick is it?”
I snort. “Flick?”
“That’s what you said! Is it some kind of new cool-kid slang word? Teach me more of them!”
Weird. Does the penguin literally hear the word ‘flick’ or does she hear the censor beep and try to replace it? Doesn’t matter. I’m starting to wonder if this Tree stuff actually does matter. Maybe it’s time to find out. I flip through my dashboard thingy, find the Tree button, and click it.
A-Team Skill Tree
Plan Comes Together: Bonus XP for team play
Hannibal’s Gambit: Enables party combo stunts
Tactical Montage: Expedited party construction of Improvised Gizmos (traps, defenses, vessels & vehicles)
No-Kill Solution: Secret Bonus for Non-Lethal Wins
B.A. Baracus: Presence debuffs enemies (Fear +10%, + chance of Flee)
Sweet, I’ve got Mr. T vibes. +10% Fear sounds good. I pity the fool!
The problem is, I don’t know what any of this crap means. Resident Evil 2 didn’t have any of this Tree nonsense, and it’s for damn sure that Mortal Kombat or Contra didn’t have anything this complex. It looks like a bunch of weird bonuses, but I’m not sure how it’s supposed to work. Party construction of Improvised Gizmos makes sense, the A-Team would always hide in a warehouse and build a monster truck or something to knock out the bad guys, but how would that work in the game? And what the hell is a party combo stunt?
Either the game will explain it when it matters or kill me for ignoring it, and right now I don’t have time to care which. What I do recognize is most of these are team-related skills. Am I supposed to join up with somebody to get the bonuses? Like who? Those jackwagon pirates from the Blubberbutt? Forget that noise. I click the next Tree.
Goonies Skill Tree
Chester Copperpot: Improved Map Range
Data Wang: Construct Improvised Gizmo +25%
Hey You Guys!: Detect Traps +25% | Disarm Traps +25%
Truffle Shuffle: Fear Resistance +50% on activation
One-Eyed Willy: +50% all looted gold
Now I get One-Eyed Willy. That was the name of the legendary pirate from The Goonies. That explains the 1.5 gold from the penguin’s math game. That should come in handy. If the gold translates to real money, I might be able to pay off my medical debt in no time. I wonder how long it would take me to answer $6.6 million of the penguin’s math questions. I run the numbers and discover if I answered a question a minute, 24 hours a day, it would take more than 8 years. So maybe not.
I’ll need a better way to get gold.
I love that the Truffle Shuffle made it into the game; that’s hilarious. I wonder if I have to lift my shirt and jiggle like Chunk to get the Fear Resistance. I hope not.
Chester Copperpot, right, the adventurer in The Goonies who was searching for One-Eyed Willy’s gold. Copperpot’s Skill says Improved Map Range.
I didn’t even know I had a map.
I find it in the dashboard thingy (man, I wish I could remember what the real word for the dashboard is supposed to be, I’m sick of calling it thingy) and click the button: Map.
Woah.
The RiftBorn Map is huge. Gigantic. The display is a kind of radar-NORAD thing, and we’re in the center, but there are islands everywhere around us, hundreds of them. One nearby island has a star on it, so I zoom in on that. St. Isidore Bay. There’s no notes or anything, but St. Isidore is clearly a destination. Okay, we’ve got a destination.
I click the last Tree.
MacGyver Skill Tree
Swiss Army: Construct Improvised Gizmo +50%
MacHack: Combine any 3 items to make Improvised Gizmo
Duct Tape Genius: 1% chance of creating Legendary Improvised Gizmo
No-Kill Solution: Improvised Gizmos deal non-lethal damage
Escape Artist: Evade +5
Okay, so I like shows where people build stuff.
Between the MacGyver skills, DataWang, and the A-Team’s Tactical Montage, ‘Improvised Gizmo’ is mentioned 6 times. Swiss Army and Data Wang give me +70% to make a gizmo, or 80% if RiftBorn uses multiplicative stacking (yes, even a former history teacher can know math). The twist here is MacHack seems like an automatic build, like with the bathtub boat, so I wonder if the other gizmo skills are a waste. I hope the +80% is a bonus for how good the gizmo is.
No-Kill Solution is mentioned twice as well. I forgot how in 80s shows they would fire 500 AK-47 rounds, flip five jeeps, and explode an oil refinery, but no one ever died. Not sure how useful that’s going to be in a video game, but the real problem is I can’t use MacHack to make a weapon.
And what’s a Legendary Improvised Gizmo?
Really starting to wish I read the manual.
Vessel Integrity: 61%↓
Pepper blinks at me with those big anime eyes. “Okay, DDD, what’s next?” She claps her flippers together. “Would you like to learn long division?”
I pick up the penguin and stuff it back in the bathtub drain.
“Hey!” I hear her muffled cry. “DDD! What are you doing?”
Vessel Integrity: 62%↑
“It’s okay, Pepper. We’re going to play the Quiet Game now.”
“What’s that?”
“Whoever talks first loses.”
“Oo, okay! I’m going to win!”
At long last, the penguin shuts its trap.
***
*Entering Premium Battle Pass Zone*
LivingLegend Verified, Entry Granted
3 hours, 31 minutes until Game Begins
I was wrong to call the RiftBorn game designers cheap. Whoever built this pirate port is a genius.
Imagine if Walt Disney got together with Steven Spielberg and decided to make a Baroque anchorage on the Spanish Main, then hired the best set designers in the world to build it. It’s like Pirates of the Caribbean combined with Harry Potter and a dash of Tintin. Cobbled streets spiral in crazy curves, millions of docks, decks, and balconies are tucked into strange corners that make the whole place feel like a secret door waiting to be found.
A swell of nautical music rings out loud as Pixar-quality embellished text animates over the entire city.
Traders’ Point
St. Isidore Bay
PvP Inactive
PvP. That one I know from Call of Duty. Player vs Player.
If PvP is inactive, that means all the homicidal teens and middle-aged men pretending to be pirate queens can’t hurt me here. Even if parties like Team Blubberbutt try to blow me up again, the game won’t let them.
Trader’s Point is a safe haven.
But that’s no guarantee of protection. Once I leave, it’s going to be a no-holds-barred grief-fest driven by pubescent hormones and Red Bull.
I need weapons. I need upgrades. I need a damn miracle.
But, like the old man in Zelda said, it’s dangerous to go alone.
I pop the penguin’s beak out of the drain.
“Okay, Pepper.” I grab hold of the dock ladder. “Let’s go grab some swag before we both get killed.”
“Wait, what?” Pepper squeaks. “Killed?!”
You Are Under Attack!